All right, time for your assignments. Skips, set up the table. Muscle Man and Hi-Five Ghost, go buy balloons. Mordecai and Rigby, you're picking up the cake.
Yup, it's prepaid and everything. All you have to do is pick it up. Just give them the receipt and bring the cake back. That's it.
BBoth
Pickin' up the cake, pickin' up the cake!
Pickin' up the cake, gonna do it great!
Just pick up the cake and try not to ruin my big day.
MordecaiI though it was Maellard's day.
JUST PICK UP THE CAKE!!!!!!!!
Thomas; Oh, There you guys are.
Benson: (turning red) DID I NOT MAKE MYSELF PERFECTLY CLEAR?!! PAPA EAGLE IS OUT THERE AND NO CAKE AND NO GUESTS! WHAT KIND OF "SURPRISE PARTY" DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!!?
Mordecai
It'll be fine! We just had a few setbacks. There was this angry woman...
And these shaggy-looking business guys...
Mordecai
But C.J. and Eileen helped us to make this better cake. It's just a little too big to get out the door.
But now we got this teleporter, so--
Red ARE YOU Red THIS WHOLE SURPRISE PARTY PLANNED OUT AND NOW THERE'S NO SURPRISE!!!!
Red FORGET THE TELEPORTER!!!![Benson snatches the teleporter]
Mordecai
No! We can still save the party!
[The three wrestle over the device teleporter which finally goes off and the teleports the cake and everyone else out of the room]
Mordecai
[through walkie-talkie] Bad news! Benson, come in!
[on walkie-talkie] This better be important. I'm in the middle of something.
Mordecai
It's the statue! It's gone!
What?! [cut to the gang standing in front of where the statue of Curtis Montgomery has been stolen; throws his clipboard on the ground, angrily] Ugh! I can't believe Gene did it again!
Gene's the prank obsessed manager from our rival park. Every year, he and his goons steal the statue of Curtis Montgomery, and we have to go recover it.
Wait, who's Curtis Montgomery?
He's the park's founder. [shows him a postcard picture of Curtis Montgomery punching a bear in 1851]
Thomas, you're just an intern. You're not necessary in this one. Besides, we already have a backup plan. Suit up, you guys, we're going with Operation Alien Strike Force.
Yes! I knew we'd do one of mine eventually.
Mordecai
Well, we only have enough costumes for the six of us.
Plus, there's no time to brief you and this plan is air tight! You'll just be dead weight.
[Everyone runs off, except for Thomas and Benson]
Just go take a seat in my office and wait for me there, okay? I still need to talk to you when we get back.
I am necessary. I just need to prove it.
[Mordecai walks up to the front desk, and the concierge hands him the phone]
Mordecai
Hello?
MMMatchmaker McIntyre
Matchmaker McIntyre here, CEO of Couple Corral. This is not a recording.
Mordecai
Uh, hi?
MMcIntyre
We noticed earlier you deleted your profile. So sad to see ya go. We really appreciate your business, so I'm beggin' ya to rejoin.
Mordecai
[Talking over McIntyre's voice] Hello? Hello?
MMcIntyre
If you come back to us today, you'll get free romantic coupons. To rejoin, say "yee-haw!" To cancel, say "adios".
Mordecai
Adios! Adios!
[Mordecai hangs up, and the screen pans over to show McIntyre standing behind him]
Mordecai
Aah!
MMcIntyre
Told ya I wasn't a recording! What do ya mean "adios", pardner?
Mordecai
Uh, I don't need Couple Corral anymore. I'm in a relationship now, so...
MMcIntyre
Here's what I'm thinkin'. Break up with CJ.
Mordecai
[Angrily] Excuse me?
MMcIntyre
Break up with her and rejoin my site! [Wraps an arm around Mordecai] Couple Corral could help you find somebody better.
Mordecai
Dude, I'm happy with CJ.
MMcIntyre
Will you be though after we dredge through her profile? [Takes out his phone] Okay, let's see what we dig up here.
[McIntyre shows Mordecai photos of CJ with different hairstyles.]
Mordecai
Isn't keeping her information, like, really illegal?
MMcIntyre
You'd think. [He stops on a photo of goth CJ] Whoa! How do you expect her to be committed to you when this girl can't even commit to a hairstyle?
Mordecai
[Shoves McIntyre away] So? I like CJ. Now leave me alone.
[Mordecai walks away, and McIntyre glares at him menacingly.]
Mordecai
That's what you called me down for? No, Mom. No, she isn't.
Oh, good! She can have some of my prized meatloaf.
Mordecai
Can you just be normal?
Mordecai
Yeah, normal. Ever heard of it? Let's not go nuts here, okay?
Don't worry. Let me show you the dessert. [shows him a cream pie topped with berries spelling C.J.'s name and he gasps mortified] See the berries spell out-- [Mordecai quickly scarfs the pie with his bare hands] Hey! Stop! What are you doing?!
Mordecai
[with his mouth full] Sorry. It just looks so good you know? I couldn't wait. You still got it, Mom!
You're lucky I have… a backup! [shows him a gelatinous dessert of C.J.'s likeness] Think she'll like it? It was hard to get all her features. Gelatin is such an unforgiving medium. [as Mordecai quickly runs back upstairs to his room] But luckily, I got a bunch of her photos off the Internet.
[turning dark grey with anger] HOW DID I MISS THAT SHOT?! [angrily throws the putter out of the golf course, breaking someone's windshield] It was so easy!
Mordecai
Whoa, whoa, CJ. No need to get upset.
I can't help taking mini golf seriously. It kinda runs in the family. [sighs] My dad is Carl Putter.
Mordecai
Whoa, Carl Putter? The world champion mini-golf pro?
Wait, so your last name is Putter?
No, that's just his mini-golf name. Look, it's not something I really like to talk about. Growing up with a mini golf legend as your dad, well… it can be pretty tough.
Mordecai
You're dead, dude.
Yeah, man. Don't you remember?
[In another flashback, Benson hangs Halloween decorations on a ladder at the top of the stairs. Mordecai, holding up the beast mask, and Rigby walk up]
Mordecai
Benson, look at this mask!
[Benson falls down the stairs and dies. His ghost leaves his body]
RRigby (voice-over)
You've been haunting the house for months.
[Benson's ghost scares Rigby while he's eating cereal. When Rigby screams, Benson flees as if he's also scared. The same happens with Mordecai while he's carrying a box up the stairs. Cut to Mordecai and Rigby in the hallway, with Rigby trying to open a bottle of soda]
No, dude. It's "lefty locky, righty relaxy".
Mordecai
That doesn't even rhyme!
[Benson's ghost appears again. It sees Mordecai and Rigby and moans in fright as he leaves. The flashback ends]
Then what are you guys doing here? You've ruined my office!
Mordecai
We're not in your office. This is our office.
Mordecai
And this isn't our office. [screen zooms out from Mordecai's face] It's a cemetery. [points down as lightning strikes] And that's your grave!
[Cut to Benson's tombstone, which reads "R.I.P. BENSON. 'YOU'RE FIRED'". Benson falls to his knees next to his tombstone]
And somehow this just got creepier.
[Mordecai, Rigby, CJ, and Eileen run toward the window, but Wyatt stops]
Come on, Wyatt! What are you waiting for?!
WWyatt
[He looks at his reflection in a mirror] He might not be trying to kill us. And I really need a haircut...
Mordecai
What?! You look fine! Let's just go!
WWyatt
[He backs up into the hallway] No. He might be cool. I'm gonna chance it! [He runs toward the barber]
[Wyatt and the barber's shadows are cast on the wall]
BBarber
What'll it be, sir?
WWyatt
Just a little off the top.
BBarber
You got it! [laughing maniacally]
[Wyatt's severed head rolls into the morgue]
[Mordecai, Rigby, CJ, and Eileen scream]
WWyatt
Oh, come on. It's not that bad, is it?
Mordecai
You havin' fun, buddy? Enjoying your wings?
Honestly, bro, they taste bittersweet. But I just wanted to have them-[sadly]-one last time.
[covering his eyes] I can't watch.
[places his hand on Rigby's shoulder] Don't look away, Rigby, look at him! Look at this…Muscle Man! This guy, from who we've all learned so much--from this guy, his joke telling, his loyalty…
[near-crying] I never wanted to be anyone's best friend, until I met you.
[stands up] No, let me finish! What we'll remember most about you more than anything else is- [holds in a vomit] Excuse me. Your passion, Muscle Man. Your passion! If you'll all join me.
[after Muscle Man proposed to Starla and start kissing]
Mordecai
Wait, so Muscle Man was fine this whole time?
I'm as healthy as can be.
Then what was all the stuff with Dr. Henry?
I just had to make sure I was fit enough to keep up with this she-lion. Thanks a ton, you guys, for helping me finish my bucket list.
[enraged] "Thanks?!" I BLEW TWELVE GRAND ON YOU TODAY!
Do you even know what you put us through?!
Mordecai
Yeah, Muscle Man! We all thought you were gonna die!
What are you talking about, bro?
You had an appointment with Death!
You had to get your papers in order?!
My toilet papers. I had to fold 'em into little triangles so my place would look nice for the after-party.
[enters] And I'm only here to deliver his aunt's ring from the underworld.
Mordecai
Not cool, Muscle Man.
Oh, come on! This is textbook engagement story. You shed your bachelor self before you get married and be a husband. All that death stuff was a metaphor.
[grabs Muscle Man by the shirt] "I LEAVE THIS WORLD TONIGHT" IS NOT A METAPHOR!!
Ohhh. Oh, I see what you're saying. Sorry about that.
Next time you die, you're on your own!
[Everyone leaves disgusted, save for Benson]
[sternly] You owe me $12,000. [leaves]
[at Hi-Five Ghost] You get it, don't you, bro?
[beat, smiles] Best proposal ever!
We get it! (to Mordecai) It's a good thing you're here. I'm gonna need you to help Rigby change the lightbulbs.
Oh, I can do that myself.
[sarcastically] Ha ha. Yeah, sure you can.
Yeah, I can! I help all the time!
[Everyone including Catra and Scorpia laughs at Rigby]
CCatra
It sounds even stupider the second time! Seriously? Tung Lashor? Pfft! Who came up with that?
SScorpia
[chuckles] Right? It's like, what, did you lose a bet?
Yeah, bro, without Mordecai, you'd be totally useless.
Wha- Come on, Mordecai, tell him how useful I am!
Mordecai
Uhh...yeah, I mean, you're fun.
What? No, tell him I'm useful!
Mordecai
Yeah, you're my friend.
Why aren't you saying the word useful?!
Mordecai
Well, I mean there was the time with the chairs, the limousine, the pretzel. You're basically the opposite of useful pretty much anytime we do anything.
But we did those things together!
Mordecai
Yeah, I mean, you were there.
So the whole time I've been covering for you and CJ?
Mordecai
Well, I mean, it's the least you could do.
The least...I could.....I quit.
Mordecai
What?
I quit! I can get a paycheck anywhere!
[Everyone laughs at Rigby again]
Mordecai
Dude, you can't get a job without me. It's my references that got you this job in the first place.
Reference this! I'm gonna go out and get a job, and I'm gonna make money at that job. and that money's gonna come in the form of a check! And that check's gonna be in an envelope, and the envelope's gonna be sealed, and I'm gonna rub that sealed envelope all up in your face, Mordecai! PEACE!
[Rigby makes a raspberry noise from the park all the way to the Local Temp Agency]
AAnnouncer
Okay. Let me get a "honk-honk" in here 'cause you goosed (guessed) it!
[a guy honks his horn and goose flies away]
AAnnouncer
It's time to announce the winner of the City College Modern Dance Competition. [pigeon flies by to give the man an envelope] Now, I don't want to "pigeon-hold" anyone, but first place today goes to Eileen Roberts with the dance "Chewed Gum"!
[Eileen screams excitedly and the audience cheers]
AAnnouncer
To say you blew away the competition wouldn't be Ostrich (a stretch)! [Eileen squeals/screams again] Let's see how well you dance after a year of sitting in front of your very own flat screen TV!
[joyous squeal] This is the best thing that's ever happened to me!
MRMordecai, Rigby, and CJ
Flat-screen! Flat-screen!
AAnnouncer
Thanks for coming everyone and for all of you losers today, don't Rooster (Brewster) on your laurels 'cuz there's always next year!
Joanne! I thought you were at the beach!
I was at the beach, until I realized something like this might happen! How could I enjoy the surf and sun knowing you could be here, messing with my TV?
I'm sorry! I didn't think it-- [gasps as Joanne smacks the remote of her hand]
[to Eileen; threateningly] Next time, that remote will be your face. To clarify, next time I'll slap your face.
[End of flashback]
I didn't even make that up, that's exactly what happened.
Okay. [puts the snowglobe back in its place] So, I guess we shouldn't touch any of Joanne's stuff.
Yeah, I think we'd just put the flat-screen on the wall over here, it'll be cool.
Mordecai
[looks closely at Joanne's TV] I can't believe she still has one of these junky old Hanatronics. This must be first generation it's so old.
I told you, she's a beast. Her TV's probably too scared to die on her.
Regular Show · 562 quotes
