[off-screen] What are you doing?
[turns around and faces her; frightened] AAHH! Joanne!
[walks towards him and jabs her finger into his chest] You better not, because the hand that touches my TV, is a hand you'll never get back. And by that… I mean I'm ripping it off your body, and keeping it.
[covering the outlet] What's what?
[walks forward] Move it, shrimp.
[shoves him aside, notices the moved plugs] I KNEW IT! You mess with my TV, I mess with yours. [jumps onto the flat screen on the wall, takes it down, and runs away with it]
[worried] NO, NOT THE FLAT SCREEN!
MordecaiJoanne, stop! We can talk this out! She's already half way up the street!
HGrandpa Hanatronic
[gets out of the limo, angrily] Joanne, what have you done?!
Grandpa Hanatronic, I can explain!
Mordecai
Wait, is your last name "Hanatronic?"
Uh, yeah, hello? Joanne Hanatronic, heir to the Hanatronic Television Dynasty?
[to Rigby] Did you know that was her name?
[shrugs] I just thought it was a weird coincidence.
Mordecai
Rigby, staff meeting! Did you go in a pizza pouch bender again last night? Come on!
Last night? [gasps] Thomas!
Guys, it finally happened. I met the perfect girl. Her name is Natalie, and she's a preschool teacher. I'll be showing her around the park today. So your only duties are to leave us alone. Just leave me and Natalie alone, people.
[Rigby raises his hand]
No, you can't use the bathroom, Rigby.
That's not what I was gonna sa—
Mordecai
[interrupts Rigby] You know, Rigby has a point. What about Audrey?
[Everyone can't remember]
I was sad for months? I loafed around the house? [scoffs] Muscle Man and Pops, you took me to get ice cream. Skips, you made me train for that marathon. In fact, all you guys had a role in my lengthy healing process.
I don't remember any of this.
[yells] SECOND ORDER OF BUSINESS! [calmly] Today is Thomas' last day. Now keep this under wraps, guys, 'cause I want to surprise him. At the end of the day, I'm offering Thomas a full-time job!
[Everyone cheers except Rigby]
Oh, yeah, I can't wait to see look on his face when he sees how I prank the new hires!
You know, we don't normally hire interns. But Thomas is really killing it lately. Killing it in the Park!
What're you guys doing here? And what room is this? What's all this stuff?
We don't know, but we're pretty sure Thomas has something to do with it. There was a guy in the cupboard, and pretty sure he did that too!
Mordecai
I think we stumbled on something really big.
What guy? What are you talking a—?
[Natalie enters the room, clapping slowly]
NNatalie
[Russian accent] I know you Americans love the ironic slow clap.
Natalie? What's with the accent? What is all this?
NNatalie
I am not Natalie! I am... (takes her clothes off) Natalia! And I am not lowly preschool teacher! I am Russian spy!
NNatalia
So clever, you Americans — only took two years to figure out things at park were not what they seem. And I am not only one right under your ignorant noses. One of your own has been conspiring against you.
What?! Who would do that?! Natalie, you're acting crazy!
NNatalia
Oh, sweet Benson. Why don't you let him tell you yourself? Nikolai!
[Thomas enters the room; Benson, Mordecai and Rigby gasp]
Thomas, why'd you step out when she called for "Nikolai"?
NNikolai
[Russian accent] Because my name is not Thomas. It is Nikolai. And I am Russian spy.
[The guys react in shock in finding out that Thomas/Nikolai is actually a Russian spy; End of Part 1, beginning Part 2]
Mordecai
Dude, for real?!
NNikolai
[clearing throat] Yeah, I am Russian spy.
Oh, snap! Now we're all boned! And guess who didn't believe me? You, and you, and you, and-! [Natalia punches him in the arm, silencing him]
Mordecai
(imagining Margaret and CJ meeting each other at the Christmas party): CJ, this is Margaret. My girlfriend. (the ground gives way beneath him) I mean, my ex-girlfriend. (the hole gets deeper) I mean, a girl I kissed a bunch in the past who's my friend. (the hole gets even deeper) Should I stop talking now? (Screams as egg nog pours out of Margaret's and CJ's cups)
[disgusted] I never want to speak to you again, Mordecai!
[also disgusted] Yeah, way to make things weird!
Mordecai
(screaming) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
(Flashback ends)
Mordecai
(In reality) NO!!
[Benson in his office writing on a paper, then his phone rings and he answers it]
VVoice
Will you accept a collect call from... [Mordecai and Rigby are panicking on the phone for help]
Mordecai
Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, Oh, my gosh! We're in trouble, man. Benson, we're in Australia!
Haha, very funny, guys. Listen up, I missed you at work yesterday. If you don't come in Monday, don't bother coming in at all. [hangs up]
Mordecai
If we don't come in to work on Monday, we're fired.
Mordecai
Dude, come on. We need to get to an airport.
Mordecai
[gasps when he looks out and sees CJ on the ground, looking devastated] Uh, I can't be here, I-I gotta hang with CJ. [takes off his seat belt and stands up] CJ, hi! [the chopper jerks, making him lose balance and fall on Margaret's lap]
[furiously annoyed] Oh, come on! [turns grey] Did you think I wouldn't find out, that you could just make a fool of me forever?! [turns into a full on storm cloud and flies up towards the chopper] This is the LAST TIME!
Hey, Benson, what's with the fancy spread?
Mr. Maellard said he needed to give an announcement this morning. You know, you all could learn a thing or two about boss appreciation… [Mr. Maellard's limo suddenly crashes through the sweets; sighs and facepalms as Mr. Maellard gets out of his limo] Mr. Maellard! How nice of you to visit us today.
No time for bollocking Benson. Take a seat. As you all aware: Park attendance has been declining for years. With no visitors, I'm basically just paying you boys to babysit Pops at this point.
And they're doing a bang up job.
With that in mind, I've decided to shut down the park.
[The guys all start complaining]
Mordecai
No visitors?! Well, what about, uh, that guy? [points to Huge Head and everyone looks at him]
HHHuge Head
Wait, not yet!
One ugly guy, plotting revenge on my son for the last four years isn't enough to keep the park open. You guys all had a good run, but I'm afraid you're all fired. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go rig a yacht race.
(groans) Optical illusion.
FFireman
Don't worry, sir! Thanks to the jaws of life, you'll never get trapped in an enclosed space again.
MRMordecai and Rigby
Whoa!
FFireman
It came with the truck.
What were you two thinking?!
Mordecai
Yeah, we were going to paint over it after our break!
Well, how's this for a joke? Buy a new garage door by the end of the day or you're fired!
Hmm. You OK, dude? You seem a little on edge. You and CJ?
Mordecai
What's to decide? I'm with CJ. We're happy. It's good.
Mordecai
(slightly annoyed) What? I said it's fine. Just leave it. Besides, no offense, dude, but what would you know about relationships, anyway?
Well, actually, smart guy, l -- Eh..
Mordecai
Actually What?
Mordecai
SPILL IT!
[shouts fastly] EILEEN AND I ARE DATING!!
FOR LIKE, A COUPLE OF MONTHS NOW!!
WE HAVE MATCHING BRACELETS!!
Mordecai
Ah, dude! That's crazy! Why didn't you tell me until now?
We didn't want to shove our happiness down your throat too much. Well, I mean, I wanted to shove our happiness down your throat, but Eileen told me not to.
Mordecai
Ah, dude. I'm happy too. I swear. Everything's fine.
Mordecai
[interrupting] Muscle Dad is right! Finding the right person is hard. You know, for a while, I've been telling myself there's no such thing as soul mates, but now I'm not so sure. Look at Muscle Man and Starla. [pans to the couple as they look at each other] It's like they were designed for each other. [cuts to Mordecai with the wedding crowd in front of him] So where's my soul mate? Are they in this room? It could be anyone. [points towards Quips and Monica] Maybe it's you. [points at an old lady] Maybe it's that really old lady, I don't know!
[whispers angrily] Why are you talking?!
Mordecai
Oh, uh, right. My point is, I...
Mordecai
[stammers] I don't know if there's one perfect person out there for me, but I know that for a long time, I've been ignoring my gut. [cut to CJ, who’s look of shock turns into a glare] Because I didn't wanna hurt anyone, but instead of saving their feelings, it's just made everyone around me miserable. For the first time, I'm gonna take Rigby's advice. [walks over to CJ] CJ, I need to tell you--
[stands up in an embarrassed manner] Mordecai, just stop! I already know what you're gonna say, so save it.
Mordecai
I--
(tears welling) You don't know who your soul mate is?
(sighs) Here. (She hands him the charm bracelet from "Real Date") You didn't even point in my direction.
Mordecai
CJ!
[angry] Yo, Mordo, if you're finished hijacking my wedding, is it okay if we get married now?
[angry] The sooner we finish this, the sooner we can start up these fryers!
Mordecai
Oh, uh, sorry. (runs off)
Regular Show · 562 quotes
