Red vs Blue · Season 3
I learned a very valuable lesson on my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem...
They could be worse?
Nope, no matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer bitching.
Where have you been?
You want the long version or the short version?
I will take the easy version please.
I want to hear the long version but can I hear it in 3 parts?
Time... line? Time isn't made out of lines. It is made out of circles. That is why clocks are round!
(After hearing a Distress signal from the radio that Simmons gets credit for)
I just think it's important to receive credit for working while some people are in the back seat monkeying about.
Okay, first of all, monkeying 'about'? Second, I don't think sitting in the jeep and listening to the radio counts as working, and thirdly, monkeying 'about'?
Well I can see why we don't have lots of meetings. The only person who doesn't know is Donut. He's not even here.
That's because I asked Donut to distract the Blues so we could have this secret meeting!
And that's how I saved Christmas.
I did not even know the North Pole was in San Francisco. This changes everything!
Yeah and I don't think Santa's outfit is a leather biker's outfit.
Church (to Tucker): What's your first name?
Lavernius.
Lavernius? Well then, who is this Andy g… wait a second… Are you black?
Me?
Yeah.
Does it matter?
No, just curious.
Well, if it doesn't matter, why are you curious?
I dunno; I guess it's just something I should have picked up on after all this time.
You know what else you should have picked up on? My fucking first name!
Say something Andy, you are embarrassing me in front of my friends.
Caboose I think you're losing it.
Also I wouldn't really call us friends more like acquaintances or people who work with other people they hate.
Andy's the bomb?
Uh... Andy prefers the term "Explosive American"
[Caboose tries to calm Andy down]
Ah uh... Think calming thoughts, uh... Let's count backwards from ten! Ten, nine, eight—
No!
[at the same time] Duck!
You may be the dumbest person I've ever met.
And I think you're just covering your ass.
Hey, Sarge...
What?! I'm not covering my ass! You're the one covering yours!
No way.
Stop arguing you two! Simmons isn't covering his ass and Grif certainly isn't covering his. No one's ass is being covered. Got it? Donut, what do you want?
Uh.... Is that a trick question?
You are in a cool river, where noone disturbs you, or calls you names. Like "Bomby." Or, "The Exploding Jerk." There are sheep nearby, the kind that don't blow up, you are happy. But not overly happy... Regular happy.
Breathe in through your nose (takes a breath, and exhales through her mouth) and out through the mouth. Again, in through the nose (takes a breath), and out through the mouth.
Uh, maybe I'll get some candles, would you like some candles, or some incense? How 'bout that?
Hey, Andy, knock knock.
Who's there.
Inner peace and serenity.
I already heard that one.
[O'Malley is annoyed at the slow speed of the robots]
This isn't what I asked for.
Dices des qué quieras esta día de victoria.
You said you wanted a day of victory.
A este velocidad, va pasar veinticuatro horas para ganar.
At this speed, they will win in exactly 24 hours.
Sounds like you're patronizing me.
No, it's me. I'm a bitch.
Heh, keep talking.
And I need to stay calm all of the time.
Or what happens?
Or... else I get so mad, I start to kill people on my own team.
I see your point.
Oooh, tell him about the moodiness, and the crankiness.
Also, mention how you like to punch people in the head while they're sleeping!
That was you?! I thought the tooth fairy was mad at me!
Grif, don't interrupt me when I'm leading in a battle situation!
... We're in battle?
Course we are! Now get ready for your orders. Donut!
Yes sir!
Scream like a woman!
Caaaaan do. AHHHHHHHHH!
[Donut continues to scream in background while running around]
Grif!
What?
Prepare to sacrifice yourself to save a nearby superior officer.
I don't think I've been trained on that.
Simmons, kiss ass at will.
You're both an excellent leader and a handsome man, sir!
Excellent work Simmons! Incoming!
[Both Grif and Sarge duck to avoid a rocket]
Grif, you're up.
Permission to assist Donut sir!
Permission denied. Continue with operation Meatshield. Remember, just cause your bones are broken doesn't mean it won't stop bullets from hitting me. Now get out there!
Good call sir!
You're on your way to a medal Simmons. In fact, medals all the way around! Purple heart for Grif, pink heart for Donut, and a brown nose for Simmons.
I'm too young to die! I'm too pretty to die! I haven't even seen Paris yet...
Mmm… why don't you just give me your sword?
No way, I can see right through your little ploy. You just want me to give you the sword.
That's what I just said.
Yeah, but it's the way you said it.
You know, it's a good thing that that sword doesn't run on brainpower. Oh my God! Tucker, look! Hot chicks!
Nice try, you just want me to turn around so you can knock me out and take the sword.
Now the hot girls are makin' out!
Okay, that's worth the risk. [turns around] Aw, crap!
[Tex knocks him out]
Whoa, Tucker, are you okay?
[groans] Damn. Okay, new rule. We start rotating knockouts. Next time, it's your turn.
Hey, good idea. And next time Caboose decides he wants to go around team killing, you can take that one.
Maybe we should all stick to what we know best.
Hey, where's your weapon?
You think she knocked me out for fun? This isn't Tuesday, dude. She took it.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red vs Blue pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
