Red vs Blue Season 3 quotes

Sarge

OK, listen up dirtbags. If we’re gonna invade this fortress, we need a good game plan. I’ve got two options we can use. Number one, we all run straight at the base in a single file line, screaming at the top of our lungs. [scene goes black and white and shows everyone running in slow motion toward windmill while yelling]. The enemy will be so flabbergasted, by the time they have a chance to regroup, we’ll already be inside.

Oh yeah, right, they’re not gonna get surprised, they’re just gonna start mowing us down.

Sarge

That’s the inherent beauty of the single file line. They can only kill the person in front, [scene goes black and white and shows them all in a line being shot with a sniper rifle], so if we order from least important to most important, with Tucker being in the front and me being in the back, then we just might make it through.

Don’t you think Caboose should be in the back since he’s the one carrying the bomb?

Sarge

Nope, Caboose is in front of me. We need someone in the back who can objectively evaluate how the plan is working.

How are you going to know if it’s not working?

Sarge

If Caboose dies, I’ll know we’re in trouble and immediately abort.

I think that’s a good plan.

Sarge, while that’s the most retarded idea I’ve ever heard, I just wanted to thank you for not putting me in front of the line.

Sarge

Don’t get misty, Francine. We’ll have already killed you and used your corpse to jam up the windmill.

Sarge

I think we can all agree given our current situation it’s the perfect plan.

Sarge

Well let me tell you about my other plan, using parts from the warthog we create something I like to call ... the Grif Cannon. Utilizing the power of the Grif Cannon, we make a Grif sized hole in the outer wall, or paint it a very disgusting color.

Ooh! A sniper rifle!

I got it! [Picks it up]

Fuck.

You know what? I miss the old days, when we didn't risk our lives, and you guys were just a bunch of nameless assholes I would yell at with Church.

It's okay. We hate you too, man.

(on radio) Copy that Sarge.

Sarge

You and the two bullet magnets go up to the right side and cause some kind of distraction.

Any suggestions?

Sarge

As long as it draws attention away from us and towards you I-don't-care. (Donut walks behind Sarge)

(on radio) Try some dance moves-Oh-you could do a musical number!

Sarge

Get off the radio Donut!

Why do I have to go up against a machine gun and you guys get to go play hide and seek?

The guy we’re seeking has a rocket launcher.

Ohh, right. Have fun doing that

Okay, Grif, we just need to jump through here.

Okay, go for it.

Me? Why me first?

Because, I don't wanna die?

But this thing's moving super slow. See?

Nice knowing you, Simmons.

HELLO. YOU ARE EARLY. YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE FOR ANOTHER 1,856 YEARS.

What is this place?

THIS IS THE HOUSING FACILITY FOR THE GREAT WEAPON. I AM THE KEEPER OF THE GREAT WEAPON. YOU ARE THE GREAT DESTROYER. YOU WILL DEMOLISH THIS FACILITY, KILL ME, STEAL THE GREAT WEAPON, AND BRING ABOUT THE GREAT DOOM FOR BILLIONS OF PEOPLE. ...WELCOME! HOW MAY I BE OF ASSISTANCE?

What're you talking about?

YOUR COMING HAS BEEN FORETOLD BY THE GREAT PROPHECY.

Does your society have any other adjectives besides great?

And you found that in a hole?

Yeah, dude. I was just walking along, following Tex, not really paying attention you know. I fell in some hole. And uh, Tex didn't help me out, she figured she was better off without me, and that's when I found this.

You know, most people would tell that story in a way that makes it sound a little better.

Yeah but, you know, that's not really my style.

Man, I've never found something that cool in a hole. And I've explored just about every hole you can think of!

Hey dude, do me a favor and don't talk like that when I'm playing with my thing.

I'll tell you who your enemy is, gentlemen. Apathy. Pacivity. Indifference. Oh, an those red guys too.

[proudly] Men, your delightful tomfoolery puts a spring in my step, and a bounce in my britches. If I weren't your commanding officer I'd pick you both up, give you a giant bear hug and make you call me Daddy.

Uh… thank God for the chain of command?

Target locked. [Fires main cannon]

Hey, what are you guys doing up here? [Several gunshots are aimed by Future Church to get Donut's head but he misses every time]

OH MY GOD! How the hell did I miss?!

That chick with black armor is back.

What chick? You mean the chick that stuck the gernade to my head? [Church misses again]

God damn it!

That's the one.

Oooh, oh I've been waiting for this. [Donut runs over to the edge of the base that faces Tex.] HEY BITCH, REMEMBER ME?! I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA! [Donut throws a sticky grenade at Tex. Everybody watches the grenade fly slowly threw the sky while Future Church tries to shoot it down but misses every shot.]

FUCK. THIS. HORSE. SHIT!

Man, that girl has a really good arm.

[The gernade land on her] Aw, crap.

Alright, that's it. I quit. I'm going to go live in a cave. [Church runs toward the caves. And Tex blows up.]

DIOS MIO NO!!

Um, maybe somebody should say something.

Okay, go ahead.

Not me jackass. I'm not going to eulogize myself.

What, why not? I eulogize myself all the time. Wait. (pause) I think I don't know what the word eulogize means.

Wait, I know how to do this! Dearly Beloved we are gathered here, today, to witness, the joining together of Tex, and Church, in eternalness together, smuh- speak now, or forever rest in peace! With liberty… and justice… for all. The end!

[Church runs into several other Church's who have failed to change the sequence of events leading to episode 49] What the hell is all of this?

Dear God in heaven.

Oh here he is, late again.

Who are you guys?

We're you, dumbass! We just keep screwing up and being blown back to the computer terminal. Than we teleport here to try again.

I know that man, you told me last time!

I'm not talking to you I'm talking to the new you.

Oh right, sorry I'm still getting used to all this.

Dumbass,

Hey shut up.

How did all you guys screw up?

Well when Tucker points the rocket launcher at us, I try to explain the situation to everybody and oddly Caboose was the only one who understood it right away. Anyway by the time I got finished answering questions the bomb went off and I went back in time.

Right, then I teleported back to Sidewinder and thought if I could shoot Wyoming before he shoots Tucker I could fix everything. But I shoot Wyoming then Tucker shot me, the bomb went off anyway, and I got sent back in time.

Then I teleported back and just decided to kill everybody that I could see.

Why'd you do that?

Well... I don't know, it seemed like fun. I think I went a little nuts there for awhile.

Well then what did you do?

Dude don't ask, trust me it... it didn't work.

So now we all come back here beforehand to discuss we did and to see if we can collectively figure out a better plan beforehand.

You said beforehand twice.

Well in that case what I was thinking about doing was-

That won't work.

So what did you do?

Aw man, it seemed like such a good idea at the time.

What can I say, dipshit. For better or worse, I'm back.