Red vs Blue quotes

Any last words?

Yeah: you guys suck!

Ready, aim...

Killed by our own men, couldn't see this coming.

Sarge?

Yeah, what?

Sarge

What in hell are you two doing?

We're being executed by our own men, sir.

Sarge

Well cut it out, I need you guys to come with me. Command has a secret mission for us.

Who the hell is this guy?

Sarge

Ahh, what is this? Insubordination? Hi-yah! [Smashes the soldier in the face] Come on you two, let's get a move on. Where's your commanding officer?

He's right there. [Motions toward Grif]

Sarge

Where? Behind Grif?

Sergeant Grif is our CO, sir.

Sarge

Your Sergeant has the same name as Grif? That's a disturbing coincidence.

No no, listen to me. Grif is our commander, he was promoted to Sergeant when you refused to relocate with us.

Sarge

But who's in charge?

Sergeant Grif!

Sarge

Okay, see, I hear you saying words, but it's like they don't match up in a way that makes sense... Did you have a stroke?

Grif is a Sergeant! He's the same rank as you now!

Sarge

That's what I'm talking about, where is he?

He's right there! [Motions toward Grif again]

Sarge

...So, he's invisible?

Dude, I don't think he's physically capable of understanding what you're telling him.

Does this mean we get a new Sergeant now? Awesome, cause this one sucks!

Sarge

Yah! Never talk that way about a superior!

Did Sarge just call me superior? I heard it! Simmons is a witness.

I don't even want to get involved...

Sarge

What the hell's goin on in this base?! Insubordination! Invisible Sergeants!

Shotgun!

Hi. My name is Leonard Church. But nobody calls me Leonard. Most people call me Church. Sometimes they call me Alpha, and a few people even know me as the Director. But I haven't been called that in a really, really long time. You see, I know that when you look at me, I know I look like a super badass space warrior, but I'm not. I'm actually a-

(From off-screen) Hey, Church!

Uh... (Clears throat) Just, uh, ignore. Uh... I'm actually a computer program that's been reincarnated in the memory of-

Church!

I'm actually a computer program-

Hey, Church!

That's been reincarnated in the memory of a-

Where the hell are you?!

OK, I'm just gonna start over. I'm just gonna... Just go back to the beginning.

Church!

Hi-

Church!

My name is Leonard Church-

Church!

But nobody calls me that-

(Appearing on the cliff face) Hey, Church, come on!

(Grunts in annoyance) GOD DAMN IT! WHAT!? WHAT DO YOU WANT!?

Come on! Get up here!

Yeah, okay, hold on! For God's sake, I'm coming!

Our operatives are in position, Director.

Good. Send them in.

If I may say sir, my testing indicates that this might not be the best...

The system will determine what's best, Counselor. The system will determine the order. Send them in.

Hey, we clear?

(Looking through his sniper rifle's scope) Yes, South, you're clear, but watch your corners. The smoke is good for cover but it's playing hell with my thermals. The cold isn't helping.

What's the time?

Don't worry about the time, worry about the objective. Next patrol's in 20 seconds.

(Scoffs) I'll be gone before that. (Begins running)

Okay, slow down, South. Set your motion trackers.

(Tackles a guard and grabs his gun) Nah. Takes too long.

So does getting caught. Set your trackers!

South? I do not have a visual in there! I can't be your eyes if I can't see!

Just trust me, North. I got this.

Ok, how about this? Donut gets to shoot you in exchange for you getting to say what you need to say.

Five minutes of talking, for one shot. Where do you want it, Blue? The shoulder or the foot?

Well, obviously I would pick the foot, but I don't want you guys to shoot me in-

Deal. (Fires his pistol)

OW! Son of a bitch!

Okay, your five minutes have started. Go.

What happened?

One of the Reds just shot Church in the foot.

Ow, that fuckin' hurt!

I don't really see how we can, I can't really get a clear shot of Church from this angle.

Ow, man you guys are a bunch of dicks. I just got this foot.

Incoming transmission.

I got it, this is vehicle Four Seven Niner, go for secure.

Secure, hello Agent Carolina.

Good morning, F.I.L.S.S. Nice to hear your voice.

(Limping back to base) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Church, you're home! Welcome back.

Yeah, yeah, thanks for helping me while the Red's just shoot me in the goddamn foot.

Yeah, well you told us to stay on the cliff and I did...Yeah that was helping.

Oh really? Then why aren't you on the cliff right now?

Oh, I thought the helping part was over.

Okay, Caboose, think back. When you called Command about the special forces person, what did they say to you?

They said, "This is Command. We read you Blue base."

After that.

"Roger. Over and out."

Before that. Somewhere between those two. "Goodbye" and "Hello" are not the important parts of the conversation.

No, I know, and my name isn't even Roger...although that is a very cool nickname. I wonder if it fits? Roger shut up. Roger, don't put that in your mouth. Roger, put that down. Roger, will you please be my best friend? Signed, Church. P.S. Your new name is the best. I like it. Signed, Church...again.

(Aggravated) What did they tell you in the middle? What did they say? I need you to focus, Caboose.

Ugh.... I need you to focus, Roger.

Mwhahaha!! Blarg blarg honk, haha!

Mwhaha! Blarg honk, you say? hmm haha fools.

Sarge

Blargity blarg... Ya honkbag.

Honk honk blarg blarg. Honkhonkblargblarg. Honk-honky blarg?

Sarge

Blarg. And also, honk. Are these really my lines? This is ridiculous! Who wrote this?!

Line...

Sarge

Enough blargin, when do I get to beat up Grif? He's got a honking coming to him!

Whats the motivation here? Is there like, a boss alien whose ass I should be kissing? Honk honk blarg, sir!

Hey Simmons. Is it just me, or do you have your head halfway up Sarge's blonk?

Hey, guys! Honk honk blarg blarg. Honk blarg blarg, blarg honk!

This is stupid. This character has less lines than I do.

Blargever, dude.

What am I talking about?

I'm an alien.

Well, what do the alien chicks look like?

I AM AN ALIEN!

Do they like to honk?

(not pausing) I'm an alien, I'm an alien, I'm an alien, I'm an alien.

Honk honk, blarg blarg, goddammit, honk.

[As a Wraith tank] Honk honk. Firing main blarg

[Fires sniper rifle] See? I'm telling you, there is something wrong with this honking thing. It doesn't work as an alien or as a person.

(after a long pause) ...El honk.

Hey reds, you honk! Blue blargs!

Who wants to see my honk honk? Go on, give it a blarg!

Shut the blarg up!!!

Sarge

When you kill your enemy, you wanna look straight in his eyes so he knows that you're the one who beat him to death! It also gives you a chance to deal out some really zippy one-liners. Like, "I hope you brought your wallet, 'cause the rent in Hell gets paid in advance!"

(sighs) Oh, my god...

Sarge

Or my personal favorite, "You just got Sarged!"