Red vs Blue quotes

(whispering) Psst! Hey! They stopped firing.

Why are you whispering?

(whispering) Ummm...I don't know.

Aw crap! I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way.

Tell me again... uh, why did we get out of the jeep?

Well, I guess it was this, or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long.

Well at least that was fun.

Ho-ly crap. What in God's name is that thing?

Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out.

No they're not! Look! They left the jeep. They're gone!

Well... I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy but... a'ight, screw it! Let's go get it.

Dude, hold still. I don't think it sees us.

What happened?

(panting) Big... tank... shooting... Whoo!

Damn, man, we only ran like 300 feet. You are really out of shape!

(panting) Fuck... you!

Where's your car?

General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind.

Hey, it would've worked if that tank hadn't shown up.

You lost the jeep? Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?

What the hell?

SON OF A BITCH!

Oh crap! What the hell is that thing?!

That's the tank!

Hey, uh...Grif, uh, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?

No! Keep that away from me!

Why do you keep firing at the jeep?

Because it's locked on!

Target locked.

Well, unlock it!

Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED CHURCH!

Oh, right... keep shooting the jeep then.

I hate to be the one to point this out guys, but i think we're screwed.

Yeah, I have to agree with the rookie on this one.

Sarge

[Radio sounds] Blood Gulch outpost #1, come in Blood Gulch outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sergeant-

Oh my god, Sarge, is that you?

Sarge

Roger that, private. I am currently inbound to your position from command.

Sir, this is Simmons.

Sarge

Hello, Simmons. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone.

Actually sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived and somehow he managed to infiltrate the blue base. And now we have their flag, the warthog is damaged, one of their guys is dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base.

Sarge

Am I talking to the right base?

Sarge, we are going to die here!!

Sarge

Well then hold tight boys, I think I gotta solution to your little tank problem.

Uh oh.

Hey, Caboose, you might wanna get out of the tank like right now!

I can't figure out how to GET THIS THING OPEN!

Night vision engaged.

Rookie! Get out now!

(desperate) Ok... open the... ok... uh, Sheila will you please open the door?

Driver canopy open. Thank you for using the M808V Main Battle T-

Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!! Running, running, running! Man... That was close.

Look at your tank though.

[in a fading voice, referencing 2001: A Space Odyssey] I'm scared Dave. Will I dream? Daaaivvvvy... Daaaivvvvvy...

(screaming) SHEEEEIIIIIILLLLLLLAAAAAAA!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

What? No! Sheila! Sheila! Wait, who's Sheila?

(devastated) Shiela's the lady in the tank. She was my friend.

Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!

Alright, well... one day when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember I was out on patrol with my partner Jimmy. That Jimmy was a real good kid. Everybody liked him.

Do you think I was a good kid, Church?

Tucker, don't get jealous, man. Just listen to the story, okay? Like I said, guys were hanging around, waitin' for some action, bitchin' about the cold...

Man, it's fuckin' cold. I hope we get some action.

Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home.

Yep, soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me.

And that's when Tex showed up. Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of a sudden, he just started screaming bloody murder.

Bloody murder! Bloody murder!

The whole thing was over before it even started. Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head and beat him to death with it.

Wait a second... how do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible.

That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.

This doesn't seem physically possible! Hurrk... Blehhh

Bottom line is: these freelancers, they're bad news. And Tex is one of the worst.

If he's such a badass, why didn't he kill you?

To tell you, I don't know why I'm not dead. Could have killed me at any point. But maybe it's because Tex and I have run into eachother once before.

Where?

You, uh... You remember that girl I told you about back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married. [starts to fade away] Guys, I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning. Don't let Tex get involved here.

Okay.

I mean it, Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing! You'll regret it. [fades away completely]

So! Tex and Church were after the same girl.

I told you his girlfriend was a slut!

Sarge

[sighs] Grif, do you have any godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?

I... I don't know... Like ten... Ten-twenty? Twenty-five bucks? ... You're gonna kill me now, aren't you?

Sarge

Tell you what, Grif. I'm a fair man. I'll give you a 10 second head-start before I let Lopez do anything he wants to you.

Guys, I just want you to know, I'm really, really sorry about-

Sarge

5 mississippi, 6 mississippi.

Okay, I guess I'd better get going.

Hey guys! Not funny, somebody could get hurt here!

That's basically it sir. They have five guys over there and a big jeep.

[Speaks through a voice filter] And your flag. [reloads gun]

...Right. That too.

Hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try to not use other soldiers as target practice here.

I'm scared...

[talking to Tex but Tex is not listening] So you've got the special forces black armor I see... Were you in the special forces at some point? [Tex reloads some more] Yeah, I used to have black armour too. It was black because I got this stuff all over it from th- [Tex leaves] Okay, you gotta go? I'll see you later.

[whispers] I don't think he likes you.

Did you hear that?

Yeah.

[whispers] Hey, what's going on?

What the fuck?

What?

What is that thing?

What thing?

There's something on your head.

What, is it a spider? Get it off!

No, it's not a spider. It's like a blue thing...

What, like a blue spider? Get it off!!

It's not a spider! Now calm down! It's some kind of fuzzy, pulsating thing...

That doesn't sound much better than a spider!

Does it hurt?

No.

Maybe we should try to take it off.

Good idea. Go for it.

Me? By "we", I mean you, asshole.

Well, someone needs to get it off. It might be dangerous.

SON OF A BITCH!

[Watching Tex through a sniper rifle] Man, he's really kicking their asses.

How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?

I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.

Sure makes things a lot easier on us.

Yeah... I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.

It definitely seems like your killing Church is working out for us.

You think so, I was gonna say something but uh, but you know.

Did Tex get into the base?

Yeah.

Blue team flag returned.

What the?! Who said that?

[clears voice] Sorry that was me. I uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back by the way.

Hey, its Church!

Yeah, its me, hey Caboose.

Hey Church, what are you up to?

Caboose, hehe, I'm not really hear to make small talk, ok, how did you guys manage to get your flag back?

W-What, oh, that flag? We've always had that.

Tucker, who do think your trying to fool...hey wait a second, where's Tex?

Um, I'm not really sure he said was going to the store, uh something about elbow grease.

Oh great, this is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?

That sidewinder is cold!

argh, what was the other one thing I told you.

Not to let him get involved?

Right, and what did you do?

We let him get involved.

And not just a little involved, how involved?

Very, very involved.

Sarge

Freeze.

Sarge

Drop your weapons.

Hey buddy.

Sarge

What?

You really better hope the first one knocks me out.

Ow, what the? Frickin head, Jesus.

He's hurt Grif, but he'll make, but we'll need to get him some help, fast.

Yeah, yeah, hold on a second, what happened here? First Donuts head exploded and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up-

[Simmons interrupts Grif] Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, I did not faint, something knocked me out.

Ok fine, just keep lying to yourself, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut out of here.

[Sarcastically] Yeah sure, oh and uh, I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking.

Whatever no one likes you anyway.

Yep, he's definitely captured....We're dead......Captured or dead [sigh]....Or captured and dead!

Well, that's just perfect!

What?! What is your problem?! Why do you even care if he's captured, I thought you hated that guy for stealing your girlfriend?

I never said I hated Tex. I just said she was the reason we never got married.

She?

Sarge, we need to get Donut airlifted outta here.

Sarge

Can you put that in a memo and title it, "SHIT I ALREADY KNOW", get on the horn command! Well, look who's up, rise and shine buttercup!

[Voice filter broken] Oh great, you broke my voice filter, you cockbitting-fucktards!

Ah ha! I knew it, only a chick could give me a headache this big!

Let me get this straight... you're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose and beat the hell out of the reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?

In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary.

I should have known... She didn't like me... Girls, never, like me.

Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.

(Dejectedly) I like me...

I don't think I've ever seen a girl that mean before . . . are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like part guy, part shark?

I'm pretty sure I would know if Tex was a guy. And I'd definitely know if she was part shark.

But you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with.

Right, you should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now half-women, half-sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!

Will you shut up with that? She got recruited in to some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where they infused her armor with this really aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell.

A.I. What's the A stand for?

Artificial

What's the...

(Interrupting Caboose) Intelligence

Ohhhhhh, what was the A again?

Let's move on.

So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer. But underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?

Oh hell no. She's always been a rotten bitch, it's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements.

Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there buddy, she's a keeper.

So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?

I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot.

Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot.