Grif quotes from Red vs Blue

Wow. Back so soon? You guys win the war already?

Yeah, uh, do you want to finish telling me the plan now, Sarge?

Sarge

If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya. Slowly.

Hell yeah! Three points, ya dirty whore! [Tex explodes]

Dios Mio NO! [Church runs off to go save Tex]

Uh, where's Lopez going?

Sarge

To fight the enemy head on. In hand to hand combat, mano a mano. What a brave little conpadray. Lopez, I never understood a word you said, but I do know one thing. You hated Grif, and that's the most important thing there is. Adios amigo, adios.

Shouldn't we help him?

Sarge

Nah, that would just ruin the moment.

(shaking from constant weapon recoil) Simmons, I can't feel my hands!

Then maybe you should lay off the trigger dumbass.

Can I ask you a question? Did they put something in the water here?

Water? We ran outta water six months ago.

No water, then what do you drink?

Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual.

Sarge

I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a strawberry yoo-hoo. Or a sasparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. Occasionally I do enjoy a sex on the beach, or a pina colada. [Singing] If you like pina coladas... and gettin caught in the rain... if you're not into yoga... Grif just has half a brain.

I would just like to let everyone know that I suck...

And?

And that I'm a girl...

What else?

... and I like ribbons in my hair ... and I want to kiss all the boys...

Sarge

This may be the best surrender of all time.

Come on, Sarge, he doesn't even have a gun.

Oh, well, you two will be great friends, then. He doesn't have a gun, and you didn't bring any ammo!

Hey, thanks, kiss-ass! If I wanna take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you!

Oh shut up. Your armour's pink.

Aqquire Target..Red.

Uh Sarge... you may want to start running... now.

Sarge

Ahhhhhh.......Fudgebumbs

[looking through the sniper scope while standing on the upturned Warthog] Aw, crap. Hey, they got a guy fixing their tank.

Sarge

Impossible! Our intelligence clearly states that-

[interrupting] We have intelligence?!

Sarge

That the only soldiers in this canyon with mechanical training are that dead freelancer and Lopez- oh, wait a minute!

Sarge, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Lopez runs away, the jeep starts driving itself and suddenly there's a new guy on the blue team?

Sarge

Yes, Simmons I am. Why, obviously the blue team has constructed some kinda diabolical mind-control ray beam that they used on Lopez and now he has to do their evil blue bidding.

[jumping down from the jeep] Or, since he's a robot, maybe they just reprogrammed him.

Or maybe that blue guy who got killed by the tank has come back as a ghost and now he's possessing Lopez's body. That could also explain why Sarge went nuts when we had the prisoner, the blue ghost probably possessed him too. And the jeep going nuts was probably a weird set of coincidences while the guy learned how to use Lopez's body.

I think I like the ray beam idea better.

Yeah, rookie. Your idea sounds a little dumb.

Right. I know it was Tuesday, because that's the day I washed my underwear. And since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on the account of I chafe really easily, I remember thinkin', [turns towards the Warthog] "Where can I hang out with no pants on?"

[horrified] Oh God.

I can not take any more of this.

So after I clipped my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended, but I don't know. It just smelled really funny. So, I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe.

That's it. I'm committing suicide. [Walks away]

Hey! I didn't finish retracing my steps yet. You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh.

[to Sarge] Where did you get the leftovers?

Sarge

Why, from our other subject, of course!

Subject my cyborg ass.

NO WAY.

Yeah, I'm real happy about this myself, numb-nuts.

Sarge

Yeap, those too

Did I get your lips? Because then maybe I'll figure out how to kiss Sarge's ass.

This doesn't seem physically possible!

Sarge

Nonsense. Modern-day technology makes anything possible! It was as easy as Shake-'N-Bake!

And I helped!

Sarge

...actually Donut, I don't really know if snickering in the corner all night like a prepubescent monkey actually qualifies as help...but it sure was entertaining.

Donut, there's no way you can jump that high.

Yes I can. (jumps) (while jumping a second time) Yes I can.

What the hell is he doing?

Losing a bet.

Grif whats wrong? Are my lungs ok? Wait a second, are you smoking inside of your helment again?

What? No. (Exhales smoke)Oops.

I knew this would happen. And how many snack cakes have you had today?

None.

: ...

Okay five. ...or more. Baker's dozen at most.

Do you even know how many there are in a baker's dozen?

By my count? Forty eight.

Look, instead of just running straight in to enemy gunfire like we usually do, why don't we try some reconnaissance this time?

You mean like spy stuff? That would be cool! I could wear, a spy tuxedo...

Sarge

No.

With a hidden spy camera...

No.

Inside a tiny spy bowtie...

No.

Or, I could wear a flower on my lapel...

Sarge

Said no.

That sprays water in people's faces, oh man...

Shut up Donut.

No- secret spy liquid, hahaha. That would be awesome!

No!

Maybe! ...Uh, I mean... noooooo.

Oh come on, I could be double-O Donut!

You mean like Doonut?

The license to thrill! Or be thrilled!

Sarge

Alright, since you're both so in to the idea, Grif, Donut, you're on recon. Find us a way to break in to their base, and report back on the double.

Great, more time alone with the idiot.

Grif, Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif. Let's pretend, we're wearing super-spy jetpacks!

(sighing) Huhhhhhhg...

No, no no no, like this- (jetpack whooshing noise) Phschewschhhhhhhhhhhwewwwww...

Hey, can you not stop that for two seconds?

Come on agent- (clears throat, resumes in a deeper voice) Come on, Agent Grif. We've got to hurry if we want to save the Princess from the evil goblin.

What Princess? I thought you were pretending to be in a spy movie?

Look, my secret spy character gets to marry a beautiful Princess in a castle, alright? Deal with it!

Donut, can you just go find some higher ground or something?

But we're on higher ground now.

Why don't you use your jetpack to go to the highest ground?

Good idea! I bet the blues won't think of that!

No, if they were that stupid, we probably would have won by now.

Secret Agent Donut, to the rescue! Phschewshhhhhhhhhhh... (heads off)

I could just shoot him. No one would ever have to know. No one.