Simmons quotes from Red vs Blue

Sarge

What's this business? The Blues are giving up? I smell a trap. Or rat. Or rat in a trap. Don't accept, Simmons.

You can't surrender, Blues! We haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack and then you can surrender!

Wait. If we accept, that means we will have two surrenders and they will have none. That means we WIN!

Win what?

Uh, I don't know. The war... or something, right?

You're an idiot.

[shouting to Reds from a distance] In exchange for not killing us, they, them, we, they would like to (Tucker turns to him and stares at him) release the robot guy and me. [pause] The pink guy.

Are you becoming retarded?

What should we do, sir?

Sarge

I'm torn, between my intense distrust of the blue team, and the need for plans stored in my favourite robotic creation. No offense, Simmons.

None taken, sir. You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Grif.

[crying] I CAN'T, I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

I don't think they're going for it.

Oh, MOTHERFUCKER!!

OKAY, NOW YOU'RE UNDER ATTACK! GO AND SURRENDER, BITCH!

Sarge

Nice thinking, Simmons.

[crying] The humanity!

ALRIGHT, THEY SURRENDER!

Fuck that. I'm pissed. Let's fight!

Sarge

Gentlemen allow me to introduce :Francisco Monteque Zanzibar, and this one over here is Robot #2.

Sarge

Let's just say somebody has an overclocked sass-fact chip and rejected all the names I came up with.

*Stick it. You're not my real father.*

Sarge

But that's OK, I mananged to use that to my advantage. I made some special modifications to numero dos. Check it out. Robot #2. Codewooooord: DIRTBAG!

Meep. [hits Grif]

OW! HEY!

Sarge

Heheh. Pretty nifty, eh?

That's awesome, sir! Let me try, let me try! Codeword: DIRTBAG!

Meep. [hits Grif]

OW! OK fine, two can play this game. Codeword: DIRTBAG.

Meep. [hits Grif]

Gah! Son of a bitch!

So now we're forced to work together. How ironic.

No, that's not ironic. Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other.

No. Ironic would be instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him.

Sarge

I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.

I think it would be ironic if everyone was made of iron.

Okay. [slowly] We're all agreed that while the current situation is not totally ironic, the fact that we have to work together is odd in an unexpected way that defies our normal circumstances. Is everybody happy with that?

What happened? The last thing I remember was a very mean kitten, and then we were in this janitor's closet, and my throat hurts, a lot.

What was that weird place Sarge?

Sarge

Simmons, I have absolutely no idea.

Sarge

Don't worry Grif and Church, here comes the cavalry! YAAA! [jumps through the teleporter and reappears a short distance away] AAAA-huh?

Uh sir, the teleporter I reprogrammed is over there.

Sarge

Oh. Watch out evildoers! Here we come to save the- oh forget it, lets just go.

What can I do Sarge?

Sarge

I need you to run right at O'Malley.

And shank him with my shiv?

Sarge

No, when he blows you up with a rocket, try to see if you can get your dismembered limbs and guts to clog the barrels of his rocket launcher.

You're kidding?

Sarge

It's a remote chance, I know, but it's worth a shot.

(Catching the two behind a rock) OBLIVION IS AT HAND! HA HA!

(Points the rocket launcher at them) Cover your ears guys. This thing is really loud.

This is it!

Not so fast O'Malley! (Everyone turns to Simmons) Maybe we can't stop you, but I know who can! (A teleporter comes from nowhere, letting in the Zealot Solders)

ALRIGHT, NEW LEVEL! YEAH!

YAHOO! YAHOO! YEAH!

Hey guys, you want your flag? (All the zealots turn to Simmons) He's the one who has it! (Screen panel turns to O'Malley)

(Zealots turn to O'Malley) The crusade has begun! Our hour of glory is now at hand! Let all who would stand against us be washed in our divine light! (All the Zealots shoot at O'Malley)

NO, GET, GET AWAY FROM ME! NO, MY POWER IS DROPPING, STOP, DOWN!

We need to disarm Church's bomb Sarge.

Sarge

Right.

(Church gets struck by lightning) Yow woo hoo hoo! (Reds run up to Church)

Sarge

Hold still son, this will just take a second. (Sarge kneels down to Church's crotch)

Seriously, don't you ever install anything above the waist? (Sarge pops up again)

Sarge

OH NO! That last lightning bolt fused the detonator! There's no way to turn this thing off!

Can you do it manually?

Sarge

Impossible. I specifically designed it so I wouldn't be able to defuse it.

Why?

Sarge

In case I fell into the wrong hands, and was brainwashed to help the blues.

Nice thinking Sir.

You just had to get one last ass kiss in before we die, didn't you?

("tea-bagging" O'Malley) HUP HUP HUP!

NO, NOT, THAT'S DISGUSTING, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Let me try, let me try, heh heh heh, take that dude!

I'M BEING VIOLATED!!

Church, (Tucker points a rocket launcher at Church) there's only one thing I can do.

Hey, what the hell?!

There's only twenty seconds left!

If I blow you up before the bomb goes off, there's at least a small chance the rest of us will live.

But the rocket will kill me!

TEN SECONDS!

YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ANYWAY WHEN THE BOMB GOES OFF!

Hey, what can I tell you pal? Misery loves company.

FIVE SECONDS!

Sorry Church.

Aw man, this blows, you guys suck. (Tucker suddenly gets shot at the side)

WHAT THE HELL?! (Screen panel shows Agent Wyoming with a sniper)

Sorry Privet Tucker, but I always get my man. Say good bye.

Uh, guys, I hate to interrupt but, zero seconds.

Uh oh. (Church's bomb makes a series of beeps and dial noises)

What? Oh, son of a b- (Camera pans out to show the entire map, a small explosion is seen, then the camera fades to white)

Sarge

I represent the past, where stuff cost less and people knew the value of a hard days work, but they only lived to be 28 years old.

I represent the future where we have no morals and no emotions, but we have a lot of kick-ass gadgets.

And I'm the present which sucks. We have nothing cool and also no morals.

Sarge

Ah, quit yer bitching. I have atrocities and a crapload of wars which seemed very important at the time, but now seem trivial and stupid.

Yeah, and I have apocalypse. That's way worse than anything you two dipshits have! ...Sorry sir, that "dipshits" was in character.

Sarge

Oh. Well, bravo Simmons.

Destroyed the present? Then where are we?

We're in the future numbnuts.

Aren't we in the present right now? Aren't we always in the present?

Unbelievable, he can't cope with the loss. He's in denial.

The bomb attached to Church sent us into the future. Good thing he was facing forward at the time.

Of course he was facing forward, what other way do people face?

They destroyed it all Simmons, those damn stupid bastards, they blew it all up! Damn them! Damn them to hell! Those damn dirty apes!!!

Calm down Grif, we don't know that the whole world is like this.

Yes it is, they destroyed it all. I guess the society of men just wasn't meant to survive.

Hey how about this, how about we explore more than 2 square miles before we jump to any conclusions?

It was definitely nuclear weapons, that's what did it. And the explosions caused massive power outages that caused the failsafe to fail, which released a super bacteria from a secret lab!

Oh come on!

Then that caused a human plague, and as the victims died, they rose from the dead 12 hours later to roam the Earth and feast on human flesh!

WHAT???

A handful of witty survivors from all walks of life were able to keep the legions of the infected radioactive undead at bay, using only their wits and an inexplicable comphrehension of agricultural science and engineering. Everything was looking good. And that's when the meteor hit!

I think you just quoted every crappy Hollywood apocalypse movie ever.

Hollywood doesn't understand apocalypse. They think that just one thing from everyday life goes away and that changes everything. Like in Road Warrior it was gas, and in Waterworld it was land.

What went away in The Matrix?

Sunlight.

I thought the missing element was plot.

I'm talking about Matrix 1.

Oh, right.

Face it Simmons, the age of Man is done.

But if all that happened, where are the zombies? Why aren't they still around?

The meteor killed them!!!

And what about the super bacteria?

It was infected by alien bacteria that was on the meteor and was wiped out in a massive bacteria-on-bacteria plague! Very ironic...

Ok then why haven't we been infected by the new alien bacteria?

It only infects other bacteria! Are you even listening to me!?!

Do you guys ever get anything done? Or do you just stand around and talk all day?

We don't get paid enough to do stuff.

No, I don't think that getting new rims for the jeep is a good idea.

Oh, come on! If we all kick in, we can get some spinners, some kick-ass subs, hydraulics!

I'm in.

Why?

Uh, for style.

For chicks!

What chicks? There's no one for miles. We don't even know if anyone's still alive!

What, suddenly you're a pessimist?

Yeah, but if we do find some women, we will literally be the last men on earth for them.

He's right.

All my life, I've had girls tell me 'Not if you were the last man on earth!' [Laughs] Well that may be true, but let's see what happens when I'm the last man on earth with a sweet-ass pimped-out ride, bitch!

What's the rush of getting this thing fixed anyway?

Sarge

Listen, dirtbag. I know on blue team, you like to lollygag a beer-

There is no blue team. It's all a lie. Red and blue are the same.

Oh, don't start that crap again.

You sound like a conspiracy nut when you talk about that stuff. [sarcastically] The government put a chip in my brain!

[also sarcastically] The president can hear my thoughts!

[sarcastically, while also in great pain] We never landed on the sun!

[sarcastic gasp] They put fluoride in my water!

Actually, that one's true.

It is? No wonder I listen to so much pop music.

But you guys think I'm your enemy, and I'm not preparing to do anything. Cept' get L.A.I.D.

...

...

Laid.

Yeah, we can spell. We just think that was fucking weak.