A character in Red vs Blue
Leonard Church
Red vs Blue · 504 quotes
Most-quoted character in Red vs Blue: in 209 of its 504 quotes
Most scenes with: Tucker (99), Caboose (82), Tex (33)
Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe it's better that Church isn't here this year.
Yeah, Christmas is the one day of year you should never miss Church.
Ah, forget it, douchebags! You'll all still getting lumps of smoal.
Ah, crap.
(wearing his white "ghost" armor, next to Caboose) Hi, everybody. I'm Private Church from the popular web series, Red vs. Blu- (Donut enters) Hey, Donut! What are you doing, man? You're supposed to be wearing your old red armor so that we can be red, white, and blue. This isn't very patriotic.
I'm being patriotic...in my own way!
Alright, let's just start alrea-
Hello, everyone. I am Private Church from the popular web series, Red vs.-
Caboose, that's my line.
You can't prove that!
As you probably know already, this weekend we celebrate July 4th, or as it's known in Mexico, Cinco de Mayo.
Many of you may take this oppurtunity to enjoy your weiner.
I know I will!
But the real reason we celebrate the 4th of July isn't for the food, or the fun, or even the picnics with the nonstop binge drinking.
What?
There's only one true reason we celebrate the 4th of July: to have a lot of explosions.
Yay! It's fireworks day!
Kick-ass! I've still got 3 fingers left from last year!
For this last bit, the part of the bottle rocket will be played by Sheila. Enjoy.
Hey Donut, want to see my awesome bottle rocket?
Totally! Just remember, don't point it directly at me! Okay?
Okay, and I promise I won't forget whatever it is that you just said.
(Donut gets blasted by Caboose):
I forgoooot!
Okay, aaaand end scene. Well, I hope you've all learned a lot about fireworks, and maybe even a little bit about yourselves. (hissing of grenade)
Oopsie.
Uh-oh.
Running time!
Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the most important safety tip. If you have small children around, or even very very stupid adults, never ever let them play with fireworks without proper supervision.... Hey, what's that hissing noise?
(Church explodes):
CABOOSE!!!
Simmons did it!
What are you talking about? I wasn't even in this video!
Happy fireworks day everybody!
There's nothing wrong with the Olympics that modern science can't fix.
Right, like using aerodynamic computer modeling to develop better ski jumping techniques.
No, like replacing the skis with heat-seeking missles and the jumping with exploding.
Well that seems a little extreme. How would you improve curling?
Replace the big rocks with grenades.
Figure skating?
Landmines.
Downhill skiing?
Laser gates.
Speed skating?
Everyone gets a bayonet.
Snowboarding?
Fewer hippies. And add polar bears. In fact, every event could use more polar bears.
Ok, well, what about the luge?
Ahh, allow me to demonstrate. Let's suppose Griff over there is our lugey. Alright Grif, just like we rehearsed it!
Yeah, I'm going for the gold! (gets hit by rocket) Tell Michelle Kwan I always loved her!
(after blowing up luge athlete Grif) I call it, "Rocket Luge". In Europe, it's called the space program.
I also think we should give medals out to the losers.
You want to give the symbols of Olympic victory to losers? That doesn't sound very much like you, Sarge. So what would it be? Gold, silver, bronze, and...?
Enriched Uranium! The losers will be forced to wear radioactive isotopes, making sure they die the excruciatingly slow and painful death they deserve! I also think if you beat a country in an event, you get to keep it. Or at least burn it down.
Yeah, that's the Olympic spirit.
Gas prices are so high right now that some people are having to cut back on basic necessities just to afford to drive to work.
Not me. I just quit going to work.
Everyone knows that gasoline comes from dinosaurs, and if we're running out of gas, the solution isn't to drive less; it's to kill more dinosaurs.
All the dinosaurs are already dead.
It doesn't have to be just dinosaurs, moron. Any animal turns into oil when it dies. So remember, if you want to be environmentally friendly, just kill every living thing you see! And bury it.
But that process takes millions of years.
I've got time.
(In a grave marked "HERE LIES GRIF" which has been crossed out with spray paint and replaced with the word "unleaded") Let me outta here! There's worms!
Gentlemen, we can debate the fine points all day, but the fact remains that a gallon of gas still costs less today than a gallon of milk.
Yeah, but you don't drink three gallons of milk every time you drive to work.
Maybe you don't.
(Explaining a Turducken) It's a chicken in a duck in a turkey.
You know, because the holiday isn't quite gluttonous enough on its own.
Sounds awesome, is that what we're having?
Nope. Although impressive, I decided they stopped short when designing the turducken.
Yeah. They seem like real underachievers there.
So I decided to make my own variety.
What's that, a polecat stuffed in a possum?
Nope, first we start with a hummingbird-
A what?
Put that in a sparrow, stuff them both in a cornish hen, then put that in a chicken. Put all that in a duck, then a turkey, then in a bigger turkey.(Picture shows Michael Moore)
Two turkeys?
Hey, it's Thanksgiving. Put that in a penguin, stuff that in a peacock, then an eagle, shove it all in an albatross, then an emu, next comes an ostrich, then a leopard! Put all that in a pterodactyl, and then stuff it in a Boeing 747.
(Short Pause) Cool. I get a wing.
I call the turbine.
Alright! Hunker up boys, hey Grif! What kinda meat do you like? First class, or coach?
You know if we cook this thing at three hundred and fifty degrees at ten minutes a pound, it's not gonna be done for 11 years.
That's why we're going to deep fry. (Oil Tanker Horn) There's the oil now!
What was the leopard for?
Presentation.
Hey Church, how long do we keep this up?
When they all go into hiding, grab their flag and run.
[speaking like a zombie] Briiiian. I want Briiiiiian!
Caboose, it's brains, not Brian!
Oops, sorry. I must have read the script wrong. Moaning. Moaning!
Shut up you guys! They're gonna hear us!
Hey Tex, I bet it's been a while since you had some fresh meat!
Up yours.
Bow-chicka-bow-ugh [groans like a zombie]
You know, this is a time of year when we all try to figure out ways to avoid spending any more time with our families than we absolutely have to.
And there's no better way to do that than hiding from them in a big dark room with a bunch of strangers.
We're talking, of course, about going to the movies. Or, if you find today's movies to be too sexually explicit, a strip club.
Nowadays, most people treat a movie theater like their own home. And they treat their home like a gas station bathroom, which is gross.
Previews? What the hell is that? I don't want some previewed movie that other people have seen already! Those are the sloppy seconds of cinema!
Aw, shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up!
Silence is golden? Ain't there any dialogue in this picture? That's okay, I got my own soundtrack: This sucks! Zing!
No, you suck!
This isn't open mic night!
I heard this movie got two thumbs up. My question is up what? Oooh! That burns!
Why don't you go kill yourself?
Hey, can we wrap this up? I gotta get to a movie in a few minutes and I need to get a new tape for my video camera.
You're going to video tape the movie?
Yeah, so?
Oh man, you gotta go digital! You'll get a much better copy for the black market.
Oh, good idea, man. Thanks. You know, I just hope no one makes too much noise during the show. People who talk during movies are really ruining the industry.
Yeah, there ought to be a law.
Actually I just came back from the future. I got this new wristwatch, it's got a pedometer and a built-in time machine. Oh and it also plays MP3s. But in the future we don't call 'em MP3s. We call 'em MP48s
Sweet
Yeah, you can also play MP48s on your HHDDVVDD BVD player
Dar dern They stole my idea!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red vs Blue pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
