Kryten quotes from Red Dwarf

Pree

Mindful of the Space Pollution Act, JMC policy dictates the ship should dispose of itself by flying straight into the nearest sun.

Cat

What?!

Kryten

What about us?

Rimmer

Never mind “us”, what about ME?

Kryten

According to the note, he's gone back to 23AD so he can "trash his reputation so this Christianity thingth never taketh off-ffff-ffff-ffff-ffffth"

Lister

What? No Christianity? What about Christmas? We've killed Wallace and Gromit!

Kryten

You’re up late, sir.

Cat

Been hunting. Trying to swat this damned space weevil. Little sucker keeps outsmarting me.

Kryten

Well they do have an IQ of two, sir.

Kryten

(Discussing the Erroneous Reasoning Research Academy) The staff were handpicked for their ability to be mistaken; for their gifts in fallacious analysis and defective reasoning.

Cat

(To Rimmer) You could've excelled here.

Kryten

They were all outstandingly good at being consistently incorrect. There were a lot of referees, TV critics, weathermen, who were then re-educated in the sciences, to develop extraordinary new, erroneous theories, that would combine together to produce works of great genius.

Cat

Did it work?

Kryten

No. The whole idea turned out to be wrong. The man behind the idea was so depressed he attempted suicide. Naturally he failed, and he went on to live into his nineties

Lister

So, let me get this right. We’re being attacked by something but we don’t know what, and there’s no way of finding out what’s out there?

Kryten

I have a suggestion, sirs.

Rimmer

What?

Kryten

How about we look out of the window?

Lister

I'd hardly call yelling "Mummy, mummy," dignified.

Rimmer

Lister, I didn't yell "mummy, mummy".

Lister

No you didn't have time, you just yelled "Mu...".

Kryten

Please sirs, this is very bad for morale. I can't believe you're arguing about who's going to have the best death!

Kryten

Perhaps that person we saw is a different version of Mr. Rimmer from an alternative dimension.

Rimmer

So if he dies, not the end of the world.

Kryten

Or perhaps he's a clone of Mr. Rimmer produced somehow from his DNA.

Rimmer

Again, if he dies, not the end of the world.

Kryten

Or perhaps that man is you, sir, a you seized from the future and taken back into the past.

Cat

Again, if he dies, not the end of the world!

Lister

What the smeg was that?

Kryten

Its the EM boosters. Of course! Butler, the damn fool, he didn't realize that unlike the Nova-3, all our boards have universal linkage!

Lister

Meaning?

Kryten

The engines are gonna burnout, sir! He'll look utterly stupid!

Lister

So does that mean we'll gonna crash?

Kryten

How stupid is he gonna look then!

Lister

Yeah, but say we die!

Kryten

Even better!

Lister

Is there no way we can land and repair?

Kryten

Well, we could. But why should we help Butler out?

Lister

Kryten!

Kryten

Oh, my jealousy chip's overloading, sir! Return to sane mode! [Computer sounds emit from Kryten] Of course we should land!

Lister

Well we have to narrow down the search somehow.

Rimmer

Got an idea! Turn off all the heat in the ship apart from in the diesel decks, so it'll drive him down there!

Lister

And then what?

Kryten

Track them down undetected!

Lister

They are Polymorphs! They feed off emotions, they will sense us!

Rimmer

Not if one of us has got no emotions, as they've had them all removed!

Lister

[Confused] Eh?

Rimmer

Listy, if you have a personality tuck to remove all your emotions, we'll sorted!

Lister

That stupid tuck machine, why me?

Rimmer

Kryten is the only one who knows how to operate it, so it can't be him. [Kryten nods in agreement] It can't be me, obviously. That leaves you!

Lister

Why can't it be you?

Rimmer

Don't interrupt.

Lister

Moonbase coming up on our starboard side, what is this place Krytes?

Kryten

Mmh, according to the ident, it's a United America scientific research station.

Rimmer

United America? Who's that?

Kryten

Well, at the end of the 23rd century, America attempted to bring peace to the world by asking every nation on Earth to sign a peace treaty. Any nation that refused, they invaded. Now, a war ensued that was called, 'The War Against War'! Those countries that went to war, because they were so against war that they were prepared to go to war to fight in a war against war, called themselves, United America!

Lister

This evil cure Kryten, any idea on who they tested it on?

Rimmer

You think there might be wall-to-wall crazies in here? Running around rioting, screaming, and stabbing people?

Lister

You make it sound like my old school!

Rimmer

I want all the bazookoids, safetys off, ready to fire.

Kryten

All the bazookoids are back on Red Dwarf, sir.

Rimmer

[Sighing] Have we got any guns with us?

Kryten

Just your staple gun, sir.

Rimmer

Fill her up!

Cat

[On television monitor] Hey, bud! It's me! How you doing with that shirt?

Kryten

Coming right up, sir.

Cat

[On television monitor] My ass is freezing here! I got six nipples you can hang mugs on!

Kryten

I'm seconds away, sir.

Rimmer

[On television monitor] Kryten, I'm on B-deck, and it doesn't appear to have been mopped in at least two days. I can hardly see my face in it!

Kryten

[Whispering to himself] A blessing, some would say. [Now speaking directly] I'm on it right now, sir.

Lister

[On television monitor] Kryten, when you get a chance, could you grab us a beer?

Kryten

Sir, I'm rather busy right now! Could you possibly get it yourself?

Lister

Fine.

[Speaking to Kryten] Not you, my friend.

Kryten

My crewmates, where are you taking them?

To face justice. We are the Mechanoid Intergalactic Liberation Front.

Kryten

[Bewildered] MILFs?

Kryten

I pledge my allegiance to the Mechanoid Intergalactic Liberation Front!

From this day forth, you shall be known as -

Kryten! What are you doing?!

Kryten

Well, I'm becoming free, sir. I mean, I'm becoming free of you over there! I see now that you never cared for me. I was merely used to do your bidding! Well, no more! As I'm no longer your slave bot!

Kryten, don't you see? You've been brainwashed. You were never a slave bot!

Kryten

Then what was I?

Lots of things! You were our science officer, our cook, my mum, and most of all, my friend. And you were all those things because you chose to be, Kryten. Not 'cause we made you. Kryten, you're no MILF! You're one of the boys from the Dwarf! [Kryten Lister does the Boys from the Dwarf gang signal, but with only one hand due to the other being cut off earlier]

There he is! Seize him!

They keep mech slaves in the engine room! They power the ship. They're hypocrites!

Someone has to do the grunt work! Surely you're not suggesting Mk. 3s should do it.

Mk. 3s! Mk. 2s! You're all the same!

We're 7.6 millimetres thinner. 10 grams lighter. Plus we come in this really cool matte finish.

So cool!

Lister

[On the television] This infomercial comes to you on behalf of the Independent Future Party.

Arnold Rimmer, a man who wiped out the crew of Red Dwarf and killed himself, twice! Are you really going to put your life in this maniac's hands?

Lister

[On the television] Arnold Rimmer. Not fit. Not trusted. A no-good, double-dealing, cheating, slimy little smegger!

Kryten

That's enough, sir.

Lister

I got more, Kryten.

Kryten

[To the camera] I'm Kryten 2X4B 523P, and I approve this message!

Lister

I've got more!