Kryten quotes from Red Dwarf

Kryten

[about Kochanski] And another thing is that she keeps her pants in her sock drawer! Do you know how time-consuming that can be to put it all back?

Cat

You mean you've seen her pants?

Kochanski

Do you think I like living in this big skip with thrusters? Do you think I even enjoy breathing in on this ship?! And to top it all off, I am faced with a neurotic droid who is completely obsessed with my pants drawer!

Kryten

You mean I'm not alone? Oh, I see. You mean me.

Lister

[about Rimmer] I never wanna see or hear from that scum sucking, lying, weasel minded smeghead in my entire life.

Kryten

Sigmund Freud, eat your heart out.

Kryten

Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. I said supper is ready! (He fires, completely destroying the gazebo) Is anyone still unclear as to the supper situation? No? Excellent!

Lister

Didn't know robots got PMT!

Lister

It's nice, Kryts, really nice.

Kochanski

It's really great!

Lister

In fact it's better than nice, it's fantastic!

Kochanski

Isn't it great!

Lister

It's really great!

Kochanski

It's really really great!

Cat

Are we eating the same stuff?

Kryten

I don't know why I make the effort? No one appreciates the hours I put into food prep. My fingers are practically worn down to the exoskeleton!

Lister

Is there any Ketchup?

Kryten

Any what?!

Lister

Ketchup, I thought it could do with a bit of ketchup, just a dollop...

Lister

Ketchup?!

Kochanski

Oh my god..

Kryten

You want Ketchup?!

Lister

Emmm... Brown not tomato, Brown. It's not like I've got no class?

Kryten

With Lobster? You want brown ketchup?!

Lister

It's really nice Kryts, but you know me. I just thought it could do with a bit of a pep up...

Kryten

I can't believe it... I simply cannot B...! (His head explodes)

Cat

Oh well done bud! Now we'll have to do the washing up.

Kochanski

He's literally blown his top. Cat, can you go and get a spare head?

Cat

How come I have to do everything around here? I can't get a second to myself. Cat do this, Cat do that. What am I, a dog?!

Lister

Can you explain it to me? Something a bit more confidence-stirring than "Can I hack off your limb?"

Kryten

The plan is to inject antivirals in a precise pattern through your body, forcing epideme into your arm.

Lister

And then you cut it off. Great plan. What choice have I got?... Okay, but make it my left arm, okay. 'Cause my right arm does all my favourite things.

Kryten

I take it we're speaking with the Epideme virus?

Give that man an eyebrow! Hey, I'm feeling generous -- give him two!

Kryten

Sir, you're awake!

Cat

Buddy you look great! (Puts out hand to shake Lister's before realising he put his right hand out)

Cat

Forget Red -- let's go all the way up to Brown Alert!

Kryten

There's no such thing as a Brown Alert, sir.

Cat

You won't be saying that in a minute! And don't say I didn't alert you!

Kryten

First, we sabotage the date.

Lister

What, "we"? You mean you're gonna help me?

Kryten

Step on board the "love express," sir! Now, we get to his quarters through the air vents; I've paid off the guards. Then you make him look like the nerdiest slob in the entire universe. This is what you leave in his quarters. A half-eaten onion sandwich. That's always a passion-killer.

Lister

Is it? I like those.

Kryten

Then there's this: "Morris Dancer Monthly." What a total dweebo nerdmeister he'll look with those!

Rimmer

They're mine!

Kryten

And then there's these: tragically unfashionable underpants.

Rimmer

[exasperated] They're mine!

Kryten

And finally: Christian rock music. It that doesn't scare her off, nothing will.

Rimmer

Have you been going through my things?

Rimmer

I want no part of this.

Lister

Me neither.

Rimmer

We've gotta go.

Lister

Right now.

Rimmer

Not a minute to lose.

Lister

I'm dust.

Rimmer

Me too. After two. One, two, go!

Kryten

And now, I'm going to stare at a cracked floor tile. [He does so. The other inmates yell in displeasure.]

What's he doing that for?!

Kryten

Remember: Shower Night is a Pay-Per-View event. Start filling those buckets!

Rimmer

I don't believe this! He's running it like a business! There's even a bloke there selling ice creams!

Lister

Never mind him. Now. We got to go RIGHT NOW.

Rimmer

I'm going, I'm going.

Kryten

And now, I'm going to get close and personal with one of the showers, Miss Kristine Kochanski!

Rimmer

Fancy a choc-ice?

You think you outsmart me, yes? But you don't, I here. Cut a second hole.

Rimmer

Science officer, excellent. So pleased you've caught up with us.

You gave me slip, I know. You not want to be erased. But you won't defeat me, I too smart.

Rimmer

Erase me? I thought it was murder to kill a hologram.

No, hologram already dead. Morally, ethically, hologram killing fine!

Rimmer

Fair enough. [Rimmer suddenly pushes her into oncoming traffic, and her image shorts out] Come on, we haven't got all day.

Kryten

She didn't see that coming did she. I did.

Cat

Whats going to happen to everybody in the reality we left? The guys all watching us on T.V?

Kryten

Well, they will continue to exist as a consequence of us creating them in our hallucination, sir. Its quantum mechanics, every decision that is made creates a new universe, as do all dreams and hallucinations, its multi-verse 1.0.1.

Rimmer

But those sad suckers will live out the rest of their lives convinced they're the real ones and we are characters from a T.V show.

Lister

And you know if you tell them the truth, you know what they would probably do?

Rimmer

Laugh.

Lister

Yeah. [They all snigger] They probably would.

Kochanski

Kryten, do you realise what this means?

Kryten

No, ma'am.

Kochanski

It means you're a real man.

Kryten

It does? Why?

Kochanski

Because now, like all men, you have absolutely no control over your penis.

Rimmer

[explaining a lateral thinking question.] 'It's 1971, a Swedish man crashes into a tree, what causes the accident?' There's nothing medical, nothing wrong with the car.

Lister

[deadpan.] Riiiight, so, um, this Swedish guy drives into a tree, what caused the accident.... Answer's in the back, right?

Rimmer

Right.

Lister

[milking it.] Well... That's a really hard one, that. I mean, probably gotta be pretty damn smart to get a question like that right. You know what, I'm gonna go for a moose.

Rimmer

A moose?! [scoffs.]

Lister

Yeah, it was in the road, he swerved to avoid the moose.

Rimmer

[checking.] Are you insane? That's never gonna be - it's a moose.

Lister

[wandering out.] Sometimes life is good.

Kryten

Ah, sir, you asked me to remind you, it's ten minutes til your exam-

Rimmer

Kryten, lateral thinking question, just got it myself. It's 1971, a Swedish man drives into a tree, what causes the accident?

Kryten

Well, it's a moose, sir, he swerves and hits a tree.

Rimmer

Is it me? How did you get that?

Cat

Get what?

I've got something for you. A lateral thinking question.

Cat

A lottery what?

Rimmer

Ahhh, I knew I could rely on you. What caused this accident?

Cat

[alert.] What accident?

Rimmer

No, no. It's a question, alright? Are you ready? It's 1971, a man-

Cat

Was he Swedish?

Rimmer

... Yes?

Cat

A moose! [Rimmer sags in resignation.] It was a moose! He swerved to avoid it, and hit a tree! Oh, and the moose is on the road, by the way - not in the car driving. Oww! Yea-ah! [dances out of the room.] Oww! Yea-ah!