Kryten quotes from Red Dwarf

Kryten

[Singing a rendition of Happy Birthday to You] Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, Mr. Lister! Happy birthday to you!

Lister

[Waking up from bed] Today?

Kryten

[Setting down a birthday cake] It's the big one, sir!

Lister

What, I'm thirty?

Lister

Forty?

Lister

Oh, what am I doing? I don't want to know! Don't want to know. Brain, I'm not listening. [Covering his ears and miming singing] La la la la la la la.

Kryten

The years pass, but with them comes the soothing balm of new found grace and maturity.

Rimmer

Anything on M-Corp?

Kryten

They bought Earth in the late 26th century.

Rimmer

Bought Earth? Bought what exactly?

Kryten

They bought the entire planet, sir. And everything on it. Including fixtures and fittings. Oceans, countries, animals, houses, curtains, you name it. They even bought all the stuff nobody likes. Maggots, quicksand, even the American chocolate.

Cat

Where'd they get all the dough from?

Kryten

M-Corp owned all the electricity and oil and gas and wind. Even the rain water.

Rimmer

But the rain water belongs to Earth. To everyone and everything on it. My God, I've turned into a hippy.

Cat

And the Earth dudes just stood around and let this happen?

Kryten

Well, by then, M-Corp had introduced a law to tax thinking.

Cat

A Think Tax?

Rimmer

[Points to Cat] You'd have got a rebate every year.

Rimmer

[Looking at scanner screen] What is that?

Kryten

It appears that some kind of anomaly has penetrated our universe.

Rimmer

I hate people who use the word anomaly. They think they're so cool. "Oh look, here's an anomaly anomalling away. I'm really cosmologically on-trend because I know what anomaly means." It's just a fancy-schmancy word for Weird.

Kryten

Sir, something weird has penetrated our universe which appears to have caused a giant lesion across the space-time continuum. Is it okay to say "lesion" sir or would you prefer "cut"?

Rimmer

Lesions, cuts, they're both the same to me. It's people who say "continuum" that I can't stand.

Lister

I'm a nobody really. Come on guys, back me up here.

Kryten

Well, he's a nobody.

Cat

He's less than nobody!

Rimmer

An absolute zero.