Arnold Rimmer quotes from Red Dwarf

Lister

OK, professor, what does it mean?

Rimmer

Right, breaking your leg 'hurts like hell'. HELL, okay? They do it beLOw the knee, LO; 'HEL-LO', get it? They do it twice, twice; 'TWO'. HELLO TO. And jigsaw must mean YOU. HELLO TO YOU!

Cat

...I'd hate to be around when one of these suckers is making a speech!

Rimmer

On the morning of Febuary the 26th, at 0800 hrs, did engage in conversation with second technician Rimmer, Arnold J...

Captain Hollister

For crying out loud, Rimmer!

Rimmer

- the outcome of which was a proposal by the aforementioned Lister to the aforementioned Rimmer to cook him breakfast.

Captain Hollister

Okay, I'm getting the picture.

Rimmer

Breakfast comprised of two eggs, three rashers of bacon, a grilled tomato, two sausages, a small portion of fried potatoes... and a large quantity of mushrooms. Having consumed this repast, second technician Rimmer, Arnold J. experienced what can only be described as a "voyage to trip-out city". To whit, a major hallucinogenic fit.

Captain Hollister

Lister, is this true?

Lister

No, sir. I'm sure it was only one egg.

Rimmer

The aforementioned Rimmer, to whit, me, then attended inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving gloves and some blue swimming goggles. Under the influence of this psychadelic breakfast he went on to attack two senior officers, believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous

Rimmer

It's a rent in the space-time continuum.

Lister

The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.

Rimmer

It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.

Lister

It's a hole back into the past.

Cat

Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?

Rimmer

Look... In three million years, you'll be dead.

[mock surprise]: Oh, will I really?

Rimmer

Yes, unless you do something about it now.

Oh, and what do you suggest I do, then? Eat less white bread? More roughage?

Captain Hollister

Rimmer, make this quick.

Rimmer

Sir, I wish to place on record that third technician Lister, David-

Captain Hollister

Quicker than that, Rimmer.

Rimmer

-smuggled aboard the mining vessel Red Dwarf a consignment of a hallucinogenic fungi Titan Mushrooms, more popularly known to the Space Beatnik community as "Freaky Fungus".

Captain Hollister

Is this true?

Lister

Erm, sort of.

Rimmer

On the morning of February the 26th, at 0800 hrs, did engage in conversation with second technician Rimmer, Arnold J...

Captain Hollister

For crying out loud, Rimmer!

Rimmer

- the outcome of which was a proposal by the aforementioned Lister to the aforementioned Rimmer to cook him breakfast.

Captain Hollister

Okay, I'm getting the picture.

Rimmer

Breakfast comprised of two eggs, three rashers of bacon, a grilled tomato, two sausages, a small portion of fried potatoes... and a large quantity of mushrooms. Having consumed this repast, second technician Rimmer, Arnold J. experienced what can only be described as a "voyage to trip-out city". To wit, a major hallucinogenic fit.

Captain Hollister

Lister, is this true?

Lister

No, sir. I'm sure it was only one egg.

Rimmer

The aforementioned Rimmer, to wit, me, then attended inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving gloves and some blue swimming goggles. Under the influence of this psychedelic breakfast he went on to attack two senior officers, believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous.

Captain Hollister

You'd better have a good reason for this, Lister.

Lister

I have, sir.

Captain Hollister

Why'd you do it?

Lister

I thought it'd be a laugh.

Captain Hollister

Right. Two weeks PD, Lister. Dismissed.

Rimmer

With respect, sir, the penalty for a crime of this nature is fifteen years imprisonment.

Lister

Thanks a lot(!)

Captain Hollister

Rimmer, I said dismissed.

Rimmer

Two weeks?

Captain Hollister

That's enough.

Rimmer

Two smegging weeks?

Captain Hollister

I said, that’s enough!

Rimmer

[salutes] With respect, sir, you've got your head right up your big fat arse!

Lister

Listen, man, I'm sorry about those mushrooms, you know. I mean, I didn't know... I'm not totally reckless and irresponsible, for God's sake. I mean, when it comes down to it, I'm a pretty straight and honest geezer.

Rimmer

Where did you get them?

Lister

I nicked them. They were in a locker. They must have belonged to Headbanger Harris.

Rimmer

Good book?

Lister

Yeah, it's alright.

Rimmer

I didn't think you read.

Lister

Don't much, but this is good.

Rimmer

What is it?

Lister

It's your diary.

Rimmer

WHAT!?

Lister

I didn't know you sent secret love letters to Carol McCauley.

Rimmer

Lister, that is my private, personal, private diary; full of my personal, private, personal things.

Cat

It's gone public.

Rimmer

I don't believe it! You've been reading it to the Cat?

Cat

Only the best bits!

Lister

[reading] "Carol McCauley, your eyes are like two limpid pools in the mornings".

Rimmer

Stop it.

Lister

"Your hair is like a golden waterfall".

Rimmer

Oh man!

Lister

"Plus, those short skirts you wear make me really horny"?

I just don't know where we are. There's no two ways about it: I flamingoed up!

Rimmer

What do you mean?

It's like a cock-up, only much much bigger.

Rimmer

What color is it supposed to turn?

Lister

Blue for not pregnant, which is the color it's gonna turn.

Rimmer

And red for pregnant?

Lister

Yeah.

Rimmer

[chants]Come on, you re-eds!

Rimmer

It's changing colour!

Lister

What colour?

Rimmer

It is! It's changing colour!

Lister

What colour!?

Rimmer

I's blue for not pregnant, right?

Lister

Yes!

Rimmer

Good news Listy, excellent news!

Lister

Oh, thank god!

Rimmer

I'm going to be an uncle!

Rimmer

[trying to demonstrate his flirtation technique] Would you like to join me in a cocktail?

Lister

No.

Rimmer

You can't say no... it doesn't work if you say no, you've gotta say yes!

Lister

Right, okay, go on.

Rimmer

Would you like a worm-do?

Lister

What's that then?

Rimmer

What's what?

Lister

A worm-do.

Rimmer

What about it?

Lister

...Is this still the opening line?

Rimmer

You're not giving me the right reply!

Lister

What is the right reply?!

Rimmer

I ask if you want to join me for a cocktail, you say yes; I ask if you want a worm-do, you say 'what's a worm-do?' and then I say-

Lister

'Oh, it wriggles along the ground like that.'

Rimmer

You know it.

Lister

Rimmer, you could not pull a rotten tooth out of a dead horse's head with that one!

Lister

[holds up the Holly Hop Drive] Is this it?

What do you think?

Lister

It's just a box with "stop" and "start" on it!

It's fairly straightforward. If you want to start it you press "start". I'll leave you to work out the rest of the controls for yourself.

Rimmer

It's absolutely pathetic.

Right. Let's Holly Hop. Engage drive... drive engaged. Initiating ignition sequence... ignition sequence initiated.

Rimmer

Get on with it.

It takes time, this. One slight error in any of my thirteen billion calculations and we'll be blasted to smithereens. Here we go, then: 10, 9, 8, 6, 5-

Rimmer

You missed out the seven.

Did I? I've always had a bit of a blind spot with sevens.

Rimmer

[sing-song voice] We're going to di-ie.

No problem. I'll start lower down. 1, blast off.

Lister

[on not everything being right in the backwards universe] What about St. Francis of Assisi? In this universe, he's the petty-minded little sadist who goes around maiming small animals! Or Santa Claus? What a bastard!

Rimmer

Eh?

Lister

He's the big fat git who sneaks down chimneys and steals all the kids' favourite toys!

Kryten

I think there's something wrong with the gearbox. The thing is, I learned to drive in Starbug 2. I'm not used to the controls in Starbug 1.

Rimmer

They're exactly the same.

Kryten

Yes. That's the problem.

Rimmer

Holly? Is it possible? Could this be Earth?

Certainly seems that way. Constellations match, gravity exactly one-G.

Rimmer

What's the time period?

Well, it's difficult to pin it down exactly, but according to all the available data, I would estimate it's round about... lunchtime, maybe half-one.

Rimmer

What period in history, dingleberry-breath? I mean can we expect to see Ghengis Khan and his barbarian buddies sweeping across the hill? Or a herd of flesh-eating dinosaurs feeding off the bones of Doug McClure? What is the year?

Well, I'd need some more data before I could give you a precise answer.

Rimmer

Like?

Well, this year's calendar'd be 'andy!