Arnold Rimmer quotes from Red Dwarf

Rimmer

You know, it could have worked. It really could. Where's the Cat?

Lister

He won't be long. He's...you know...in the bushes.

Lister

We've got to stop him!

Cat

DON'T ASK!

Well, the thing about a black hole - its main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour, is black. So how are you supposed to see them?

Rimmer

But five of them? . How can you manage to miss five black holes?

It's always the way, innit? You hang around for three million years in deep space and there hasn't been one, then all of a sudden five turn up at once.

Rimmer

[While Lister is examining his 19th century toy soldiers] Please be careful with those, they're antiques! How's General Dumuoriez going to look with goat vindaloo all over his tunic?

Lister

It'll make him look more realistic, it'll look like he's got dysentery.

Rimmer

He told me that in a previous incarnation I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.

Lister

You know what? I believe you.

Rimmer

To have lived a life alongside one of the greatest commanders of all time! No wonder the military's in my blood!

Lister

No wonder you're such a good singer!

Rimmer

Twelve?! (pause) You can't have been a full member of the golf club, then.

Lister

Of course I wasn't! It was just a place to go!

Rimmer

You did it (i.e. have sex) on a golf course and you weren't a member?

Lister

It wasn't in the middle of the Ryder Cup or anythin'!

Rimmer

Imagine getting your golf ball stuck in Lister's buttock crevice. You'd need more than a niblick to get that out.

Lister

Are you saying I've got a big bum?

Rimmer

Big? It's like two badly parked Volkswagens.

Lister

[on losing his virginity] Michelle Fisher. The eighth hole of Bootle Municipal Golf Course. Par 4, dogleg to the right, in the bunker behind the green.

Rimmer

You lost your virginity on a golf course? How'd you have the nerve?

Lister

It wasn't in the middle of the Ryder Cup or anythin'! It was midnight.

Lister

She took all her clothes off and stood there in front of me, completely naked. I was so excited I nearly dropped me skateboard!

Rimmer

Skateboard? How old were you?

Lister

Twelve.

Rimmer

Twelve?! Twelve years old? Twelve?! (pause) You can't have been a full member of the golf club, then.

Lister

Of course I wasn't!

Rimmer

You did it on a golf course and you weren't a member?

Lister

'Course I wasn't!

Rimmer

Didn't pay any green fees or anything?

Lister

It was just a place to go!

Rimmer

I used to play golf, I hate people who abuse the facilities! I hope you raked the sand back nicely after you'd finished. Imagine getting your ball stuck in Lister's buttock crevice. You'd need more than a niblick to get that out.

Lister

Are you saying I've got a big bum?

Rimmer

Big? It's like two badly parked Volkswagens.

Rimmer

So Holly managed to navigate through five black holes?

As it 'appens, there weren't any black 'oles.

Rimmer

But you saw them!

They weren't black 'oles.

Grit. Five specs of grit on the scanner scope. Y'see the thing about grit, is it's black. And the thing about the scanner scope...

Rimmer

Ohhhh!

Rimmer

Kryten, get the hacksaw and follow me.

Kryten

Where are we going?

Rimmer

We're going to do to Lister what Alexander the Great once did to me.

Kryten

[watching Rimmer's old home movies] Who's that there? An old girlfriend, Mr Arnold, sir?

Rimmer

Hardly.

Kryten

No, not really your type, I suppose. Silly old trout like that.

Rimmer

She's my mother.

Kryten

Oh! Oh God- I am SO sorry, sir!

Rimmer

Just forget it.

Kryten

Oh, how can I forget it, sir?! I compared it to a foolish aged blubbery fish! I said she was a- A simple-minded, scaly old piscine! I intimated she was an ugly, lungless marine animal with galloping senility! A putrid, amphibious, gill-breather with- with- with less brains than a mollusc!

Rimmer

Forget it! Freeze. Ah, there she is. Magnificent woman. Very prim, very proper. Some thought austere. Some took her for cold, thought she was aloof. No, not a bit of it. She just despised idiots, no time for fools. Tragic really, otherwise we'd have got on famously.

Kryten

Well, if you'll excuse me sir, I'll go now. This is very clearly a private family moment. I've no fish to embarass you further, I'll let myself trout. [beat] OH SIR, I'M SO-

Rimmer

Just. Go.

Cool it, Arn...

Rimmer

ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI?!

Rimmer

David, do you have anything you want to bring to this forum?

Lister

Well yes, I have actually, Arnold. Why don't we go down to the ammunition stores, get a nuclear warhead and then strap one to my head! I'll nut the smegger to oblivion!

Lister

[having jumped into a slide showing Hitler at Nuremburg] Ignore him, he's a complete and total nutter, and he's only got one testicle!

Rimmer

What is he doing? He's scuffling with Adolf Hitler. You can't just stick one on the leader of the Third Reich!

Lister

[comes back out] I nicked his briefcase!

Rimmer

Anything?

Got 'im.

Rimmer

And?

Tension Sheet, inventor of: Dave Lister, aged 17.

Rimmer

Damn!

And he died tragically in a plane crash, aged 98.

Rimmer

Ninety-eight?!

His own fault, apparently. He was making love to his fourteenth wife and he lost control of the plane.

Rimmer

Have you got any photographs?

(Shocked) Not of that, no!