Arnold Rimmer quotes from Red Dwarf

Lister

I mean, what kind of holy writ is this, Rimmer? 'It is a sin to be cool.'

Rimmer

LOOK, I'M SICK TO DEATH ABOUT HEARING ABOUT THESE STUPID CATS! MY CONCERNS ARE SLIGHTLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT KIND OF CARDBOARD HAT I'M WEARING! I'M TRYING TO DECIPHER THIS! THIS IS SCIENCE, LADDIE! You can smirk, Lister, but I believe the Quagaars!

Lister

'Quagars?'

Rimmer

Quagaars, it's a name I made up! Double-A, actually! I believe the Quagaars'll have the technology to give me a new body!

Lister

Never mind this tot, where's the Cat?

Rimmer

Tot?

Lister

Tot.

Rimmer

Tot?!

Lister

Tot!

Rimmer

TOT?!

Lister

TOT!

Rimmer

TOT?! TOT?! WE'LL SEE HOW TOTTY THIS IS, LADDIE, THE QUARANTINE PERIOD'S NEARLY UP! ....BASTARD!

Rimmer

I always hated that pus-head Hollister. He always resented my popularity. That's why he never put forward my proposal to reduce the minimum haircut length by an eighth of an inch. Small-minded, petty-thinking modo!

Arnold, I'm picking up an unidentified object.

Rimmer

"Constantly fails the exam"? I'd hardly call eleven times "constantly"! I mean, if you eat roast beef eleven times in your life, one would hardly say that person "constantly" eats roast beef. No, it would be a rare, nay, freak occurrence! "Possibly mad"?! What is he driveling about?!

It's on the screen, Arnold.

Rimmer

What is?

The UO.

Rimmer

What is it?

I don't know.

Rimmer

Well, you'd better find out, hadn't you? It's obviously beyond me; I've got more teeth than brain cells, remember?!

Yes, you have.

Lister

Hang on, hang on. Are you saying you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed?

Rimmer

Obviously not just that, Lister. Everything! Everything you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me.

Lister

Like what?

Rimmer

Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray.

Lister

I didn't know! I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.

Lister

Yo, I didn't know you had any medals. What are they for?

Rimmer

Three years long service. Six years long service. Nine years long service... Twelve years long service.

Rimmer

Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly.

Lister

C'mon, that was a joke!

Rimmer

Yes Lister, the same kind of joke as putting my name on the waiting list for experimental pile surgery.

We're getting a signal. It's probably nothing but I just thought I'd mention it.

Rimmer

Aliens.

Lister

Oh God, aliens... Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys - it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall - it's aliens. That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day, you thought that was aliens as well!

Rimmer

Well, we didn't use it all, Lister. Who did?

Lister

Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?

Rimmer

Just 'cos they're aliens, doesn't mean they don't have to visit the little boys' room. Although they probably do something weird and alien-esque, like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.

Lister

Well, I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema!

Lister

Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when they are properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings should not bounce!

Rimmer

True, but after the way I thought they were going to turn out they were quite (does a little kiss) superb! (French accent)

Lister

So how's the Cat?

Rimmer

Oh, he's just sleeping off the stomach pump...He'll be alright, the lamb was a bit of a flop though.

Lister

The Lamb!? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese! And that Lemon Meringue Pie, man, what was in that?

Rimmer

I thought you liked that! You bought some back.

Lister

Yeah....I wanted to try some out on my Athlete's Foot!

Rimmer

[while Lister is sorting through the mail] You'll send away for every bit of tat, just so you'll have some mail to open.

Lister

Me... Me... Me...

Rimmer

"Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit! Four super brushes for cleaning even the trickiest of sea-bound mammals! Yes, I am over 18, although my IQ isn't."

Lister

Smeg! Outland Revenue!

Rimmer

[sarcastically] Oh, oh, oh, oh! Outland Revenue!

Lister

8500!

Rimmer

8500? That's a lot of tax, isn't it, Listy? How on Titan are you going to pay for that?

Lister

I'm not. It's yours.

Rimmer

What? This is wrong! This is dead wrong!

Lister

Relax, it doesn't matter now. Not gonna catch you now, are they?

Rimmer

What? Just because we're three million years into deep space and the human species is extinct? That means nothing to these people. They'll find us.

Rimmer

I'm just trying to rehabilitate myself, trying to do the everyday, normal things that most living people take for granted.

Lister

You've got the skutters to help you.

Rimmer

What? Pinky and smeggy Perky? What use are they? It's like giving Blind Pew contact lenses.

Lister

They only do what you tell them to.

Rimmer

Ah, but they don't, do they? You say, "Keep an eye on that lamb", and they do - they sit there for three hours and watch it burn!

Lister

[returning to mail sorting] Another one for you. "Rear Admiral Lieutenant General Rimmer".

Rimmer

That's from my mother.

Lister

"Rear Admiral"?

Rimmer

Every time I take an exam, I tell her I passed. It's getting embarrassing now. I should be Commander in Chief of the whole universe.

Lister

What time is it?

Rimmer

[blearily crawls over to the clock on the bedside table] ....Saturday.

Lister

That the best you can do?

Rimmer

There are some numbers beside it, but they could be anything.

Rimmer

I want a triple fried egg sandwich...

Lister

With chili sauce and chutney!

You what?

Lister

It's a state-of-the-art sarnie!

It's the state of the floor I'm worried about.

Rimmer

It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery.

Lister

It's well naughty. The trick is to eat it before the bread dissolves.

Rimmer

It's amazing Where did you get the recipe?

Lister

I'm not sure.... I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare.

Rimmer

I feel like I'm having a baby!

Lister

It's good, innit?

Rimmer

It's incredible! Where did you get the recipe from?

Lister

I can't remember...I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare.

Rimmer

It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery.

Lister

It's well naughty. The trouble is, you've gotta eat it before the bread dissolves.

Lister

So, aliens came on board.

Rimmer

without question!

Lister

They broke my leg.

Rimmer

For some reason.

Cat

They broke my leg.

Rimmer

Yes.

And then they did a jigsaw...well that's cleared that up...