Arnold Rimmer quotes from Red Dwarf

Now then: justify yourself.

Well...first, I've -

Liar!

We're locked out!

Kryten

This is not a malfunction, there's something controlling the craft!

Rimmer

Holly, any traffic around?

Nothing on the local scan.

Kryten

This isn't possible! There must be -

Cat

What happened to him? His voice finally break?

Kryten

The Inquisitor?!

Kryten

That is the Inquisitor; he prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched and deletes the worthless!

Rimmer

We're in big trouble!

Kryten

Sir! Sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist, or a missionary worker, you simply have to seize the gift of life!

Rimmer

Oh, God.

Kryten

Make a contribution.

Rimmer

Oh, God.

Kryten

No matter how small.

Rimmer

Oh, God.

Kryten

You simply have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self-serving.

Rimmer

You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?

Kryten

I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir.

Rimmer

Well, shut up then!

You have been granted the greatest gift of all: the gift of life. Tell me - what have you done to deserve this superlative good fortune?

Well, I - I say this with the highest respect, but...what gives you the right to ask - no, actually, demand - that answer of me - your magnificence? (this last is delivered hurriedly with a bow)

ALL must answer to the Inquisitor!

But how do I know I'll get a fair hearing?

Because...like all who stand before the Inquisitor...your judge shall be...(he flips up his visor revealing...Rimmer!)...yourself!

Oh, smeg.

'Oh, smeg' indeed, matey!

Everyone is judged by their own self?

It's a bit metaphysical, I know, but it's the only fair way. Now then: justify yourself.

Well...first, I've -

Liar!

Rimmer

I don't loathe myself. What is there one could possibly loathe about me?

Kryten

Would you like the list, sir?

Rimmer

What list?

Kryten

Well, there was the fact you were despised by your parents for failing to achieve their standards. The fact your three brothers were all such high-flyers in the Space Corps and you ended up servicing chicken soup machines. There's your inability to form long-term relationships with anyone, your cowardliness, your lack of charm, honour or grace and the awful knowledge that throughout your entire life nobody has ever truly liked you because you are so fundamentally unlikeable.

Rimmer

Oh, that.

Kryten

Please don't interrupt, sir, I'm only half-way through my list.

Rimmer

Is this the British Embassy? Does it even look the remotest bit like the British Embassy? I want to know who you are, what I'm doing here, and I want to know now!

In accordance with the appetites of the Dark One, malicious ruler of this domain, we, the Hooded Legions, proffer up this sacrifice to slake the vile depraved thirstings of the Unspeakable One.

Rimmer

Well, that's cleared that one up.

Rimmer

Err, where are you going? Err, what are you doing? My God! Are you going to take a flying leap?

We are going to summon the Master.

Rimmer

The Master?

You have been prepared for him.

Rimmer

This 'Master' character - and I acknowledge that I may not want to know the full answer to this one - but why does he want me oily in particular? Obviously, whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my being slippery and pliant, yes?

He always likes his victims to be oiled. An oiled body is so much better for conducting the electricity.

Rimmer

Not the best news, but it could have been worse.

Rimmer

They've been naughty, haven't they, Mr Flibble?

Yes.

Rimmer

What happens to naughty boys who've been naughty, Mr Flibble?

Uncle Arnie fries them alive with his hex vison.

(over radio) Hello, my name is Doctor Hildegarde Lanstrom and I'm quite, quite mad.

Rimmer

(jokingly) Are you really? How absolutely splendid.

I have a riddle for you. What's dead, and dead, and dead all over?

Rimmer

Give in Doctor Fruitloop, do tell me.

(Sing-song voice) Yoooooooooooooooooooou! (The console explodes)

Rimmer

Well we know what to get you for Christmas: a double lobotomy and ten rolls of rubber wallpaper.

Rimmer

Gentlemen... your conversation makes interesting listening.

Lister

Rimmer, is that you?

Rimmer

Oh, yes...

Lister

How long have you been listenin'?

Rimmer

Two, maybe three hours...

Lister

Well nobody's got any disease, man.

Cat

We're clean.

Kryten

You have to re-screen us, sir, as per directive 699.

Lister

No-one's got any virus, and no-one's smeggin' nuts!

Rimmer

Well that's good.

Rimmer

Is something amiss?

Lister

Hell no! What could possibly be amiss?

Rimmer

You don't think anything's amiss? I'm wearing a red and white checked gingham dress... and army boots... and you think nothing is amiss?

Rimmer

I can't let you out.

Lister

Why not?

Rimmer

Because the King of the Potato People wont let me. (laughter) I begged him, I got down on my knees, and wept. He wants to keep you here... Keep you here for ten years.

Cat

Can we see him?

Rimmer

See who?

Cat

The King.

Rimmer

Do you have a magic carpet?

Lister

Yeh...a little three seater!

Rimmer

So let me get this straight: you want to fly on a magic carpet, to see the king of the potato people, and plead with him for your freedom... and you're telling me you're completely sane? I think that calls for two hours of W-O-O.

Lister

[panicked] What's W-O-O?

Cat

You had to ask...

Rimmer

With... Out.. Oxygen! Two hours without oxygen. That'll teach you to be breadbaskets! (fades)

Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database. Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat: This is not a daffodil.

Rimmer

Well, thankfully Holly's unaffected.

Kryten

These are our higher selves. They are who we could have become if all the negative aspects of our characters were removed.

Rimmer

You mean hippies.

Kryten

With respect sir, you think Jesus was a hippie.

Rimmer

Well, he was. He had long hair and he didn't have a job. What more do you want?

Kryten

That's eighty klicks. We should be clear of any possible blast zone.

Cat

You really think it's gonna blow?

Rimmer

This can't be happening.

Lister

Nothin's gonna happen. We're just here as a precaution. The whole ship's full of fail-safes anyway. Cooling systems, containment panels, vacuum shields. The actual chances of it blowin' are about one in -