Arnold Rimmer quotes from Red Dwarf

Rimmer

If you miss, we're going to get a planet in the face.

Lister

I'm not going to mish.

Rimmer

"Mish"?

Lister

What?

Rimmer

"Mish", 'I'm not going to mish' you said. You've only had 4 cans and you're steaming!

Lister

Rimmer, will you relax? I know what I'm doing, I am not pished!

Rimmer

You don't like Reggie Wilson? What? Not even "Pop Goes Delius" or "Funking Up Wagner"?

Lister

I prefer something slightly more melodious, like the long, drawn-out death rattle of a man suffering from terminal flatulence.

Skipper?

Ace

Thought he deserved a nickname, Skipper sounded good.

Ace and Skipper? You sound like a kids TV series about a boy and his bush kangaroo.

Rimmer

What is it about me? It's always been the same old story. It's not easy to look in that mirror and see a guy nobody likes.

Cat

How do you think we feel? We gotta look at it all day!

Lister

[lying] We just thought you wouldn't wanna come.

Rimmer

I try to be liked, God knows I try. I regale you with amusing stories of my time in the Hammond Organ Owners' Society. You never laugh. I offer to talk you through my photo collection of 20th-century telegraph poles. You've always got some excuse. None of you like Morris dancing. Would that break your hearts, every once in a while, getting our knees in the air, the jingle of bells, the clonk of wood on wood? Every time I suggest it, you pretend to be ill.

Lister

You've got it wrong, man. We just thought you wouldn't want to come. Now we know you do, great, you can come. The way you're going on about it, it's like some major conspiracy, we've been planning it for days. We haven't. (which of course is a lie)

Rimmer

Really?

Lister

Really.

Rimmer

All right, then, I'll come. I'll just get changed. Holly?

Rimmer

What's your name, soldier?

Kryten

His name's Ghandi, sir. Mahatma Ghandi.

Rimmer

Well, get him out of that damn nappy and into a uniform.

Kryten

This is Mr. Noel Coward, sir.

Delighted to meet you, dear boy.

Rimmer

Shut up!

Lister

How many survived?

Rimmer

Well, we haven't had time to make a full official estimate. But at a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates, roundabout: none of them.

Lister

So you wiped out the entire population of this planet?

Rimmer

You make it sound so negative, Lister. Don't you see? The deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished.

Lister

No it isn't, pal. You're still here!

Rimmer

What now?

Kryten

Well, I suggest we start to run, sir. I suggest we ambulate as fast as the local gravity will allow.

Rimmer

Why?

Kryten

Because of them, sir.

Kryten

Sir?

Rimmer

There are always casualties in war, gentlemen, otherwise it wouldn't be war. Just a rather nasty argument with a lot of pushing and shoving.

Lister

So how many survived?

Rimmer

Well, we haven't had time to make a full official estimate. But at a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates, roundabout: none of them.

Lister

So you wiped out the entire population of this planet?

Rimmer

You make it sound so negative, Lister. Don't you see? The deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished!

Lister

No it isn't, pal. You're still here!

Rimmer

I brought about peace! Peace, freedom and democracy!

Lister

Yeah, Rimmer, right, absolutely. Now all the corpses that litter that battlefield can just lie there, safe under the knowledge that they snuffed it under a flag of peace, and can now happily decompose in a land of freedom. Ya smeghead.

Rimmer

That was just unbelievable!

It's never been like that before.

Rimmer

Was it OK?

It was...different.

Rimmer

Different?

You make love like a Japanese meal - small portions, but so many courses.

Rimmer

Look, Nirvana , I hope you didn't get me wrong just now, that meant nothing to me, truly less than nothing, really.

Good.

Rimmer

We may as well have been playing tennis.

As it should be.

Rimmer

I don't suppose you fancy a tie break?

You know, we usually talk.

Rimmer

What do you talk about?

Research, new theories, mission profiles.

Rimmer

I'm sorry, I must have seemed very ignorant. I hardly said anything apart from 'Geronimo!'

Kryten

What you're suggesting is immoral and illegal. Mind patching is outlawed.

Rimmer

But it is possible.

Kryten

Possible but highly dangerous. The side effects can be devastating. You could be reduced to a gibbering simpleton.

Cat

Reduced?

Rimmer

I don't care. I'm prepared to take the chance.

Lister

Even if it costs you your mind?

Cat

It's a small price to pay.

Rimmer

Look, on that ship I can touch, I can feel, I can taste. I'm not a half man any more. With them I'm whole again.

Lister

Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird, stuck-up megalomaniacs. Do you really think you're going to fit in with them? (Pause) What am I saying? Bon voyage!

Rimmer

Wasn't it St. Francis of Assisi himself who said, "Never give a sucker an even break"?

Kryten

Well, if he did, sir, it was strictly off the record.

Rimmer

Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with. And I know that, given the choice, I probably wouldn't have chosen you as friends. But, I just want to say that over the years, I have come to regard you as...people I met. I'd just better go, OK?

Lister

See you, smeghead.

Rimmer

So, Kryten, you've heard of this "Inquisitor"?

Kryten

Only as a myth; a dark fable; a horror tale, told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire, wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror!

Rimmer

A simple "yes" would have sufficed.