Ann Perkins quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ann

104.1, Leslie you're dehydrated, I'm admitting you.

Leslie

[flu-ridden] If I was sick could I do this.

Ann

...What are you doing?

Leslie

[flu-ridden] Cartwheels...Am I not doing them?

Ann

No.

Ann

What are you doing?

Leslie

Hey! That flu medicine really helped. I feel a thousand percent better. Good as new.

Leslie

Does this scarf look okay? I don't wanna look stuffy but I also don't wanna look too schlubby.

Ann

Get back in that bed.

Leslie

So no to the scarf?

Ann

Get back in the bed

Leslie

No, I'm going to that meeting!

Ann

Either you get back in the bed or I will strap you down, I've done it before, don't test me!

Ann

Hey have you seen Leslie?

Chris

[deliriously] I had a dream that she came into this room, stole my flu medicine, told me not to tell you and then disappeared through that hole in the wall.

Ann

...The door?

Ann

Leslie, I think Chris is cheating on me.

Leslie

What!? That lying bastard! Wait, how do you know?

Ann

I don't actually have any actual proof.

Leslie

Oh, then I'm sure he's not cheating on you. And if he is, he's a monster. And if he's not, you guys are great together. But if he is, I will kill him.

Donna

Hey what ever happened to you and the bionic man?

Ann

Chris? He broke up with me but he did it so nicely that I didn't even realize he did it.

Donna

I've done that to multiple men. How are you doing? Are you doing okay?

Ann

Thank you so much for asking! It's been tough. Yeah. Two days ago I was sobbing at a pizza buffet and they asked me to leave. Been looking at some dog adoption websites. Bought $700 worth of candles from Anthropologie. Did this [shows her dyed red streak] to my hair. You know, your basic bottoming out kind of stuff.

Donna

Yeah...Normally people tell you to talk about your problems. I'm going to recommend you bottle that noise up.

Ann

...That's what my mailman said.

I don't know what's sicker, me or your body.

Ann

You're not sick.

Maybe you should check out my abs.

Ann

Are you experiencing abdominal pain?

Every day at the gym [shows off abs] Feel.

Ann

Eww. [feels his abs and is impressed] Oh.

What are you doing tonight?

Ann

I think I'm gonna have to pass.

Your loss.

Donna

Are you gonna hit that?

Ann

Him? He isn't exactly boyfriend material.

Donna

Who said anything about a boyfriend? Use him. Abuse him. Lose him.

It's been really awesome talking to you. Most carnival nurses are total grenades.

Ann

Okay, you're all set. You are free to go...or you could stay here and make out with me until the lights come back on.

Hell yeah!

Ann

Beat it Donna.

Leslie

I'm so desperate I even brought in my dream journal hoping it would inspire me.

Ann

[reading an entry] "I married ALF and we're pretty happy." That sounds nice.

Leslie

It was.

Ann

Donna! Oh my God, I am so excited to see you here! These things are horrible when you're by yourself. [Donna tries to ignore her] ...What?

Donna

Do you know where you are right now? We're in the jungle. There are no friends here! It's every woman for herself.

Ann

...You're joking right?

Donna

Do I look like I'm joking? Dating is a zero sum game. If you get a man, I don't get that man.

Ann

I'm here because of advice that you gave me to be more adventurous in my life.

Donna

Here's some more advice. Beat it!

Ann

Hi, I'm Ann.

Ryan.

Ann

What's your occupation?

I'm a manager at a sporting goods store.

Ann

No way me too!

Seriously!? Which one?

Ann

No, I'm not. I was just ribbing you.

...What are you drinking?

Ann

Hahahaha yeah...

What?

Ann

Oh I don't know. I couldn't hear you.

So you just laughed and said "yeah?"

Ann

Yeah...

Donna

Excuse us... [To Ann] That was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. Did you grow up in the woods? Are you Nell? From the movie Nell?

Ann

I told you, I'm Rusty!

Ann

[Finishing talking to a guy] Cool, I'll see you around, maybe.

Donna

That went better, right!?

Ann

Yes! He did however, proudly tell me that he beat herpes...

Ann

I'm sorry Donna I'm gonna go home, I just found out Andy's getting married.

Donna

So?

Ann

So that's my ex-boyfriend...and we were together for a really long time.

Donna

[Sarcastically] Alright...

Ann

What!?

Donna

"What?" Listen, you are a hot young doctor.

Ann

I'm a nurse actually...

Donna

Okay I don't know you. But I do know that you can fix your attitude. Do you wanna go home and feel sorry for yourself about a man you didn't wanna marry? Or do you wanna go talk to that cute boy who's been looking at you and give him your number before I throw him in my Benz for myself?

Ann

...Alright.

Leslie

Yellow haired female likes waffles and news.

Ann

[typing] Sexy well-read blonde loves the sweeter things in life.

Leslie

Much better.

Ann

Hobbies?

Leslie

Organizing my agenda...Wait that doesn't sound fun. Umm...Jamming on my planner!

Ann

Favorite place?

Leslie

Upstairs there's this mural of wildflowers and I like to sit on a bench in front of it.

Ann

...Really? It could be anywhere in the world. Paris, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon...

Leslie

Nope. Just the bench in front of the mural.

Ann

What about like an actual meadow where wildflowers are?

Leslie

Eww Ann! I'm scared of bees! Mural!

Ann

Okay what do you think of dogs?

Leslie

Love!

Ann

Cats?

Leslie

Love!

Ann

Fish?

Leslie

Love!

Ann

Turtles?

Leslie

...No opinion.

Ann

...

Leslie

They're condescending.

Ann

Describe your ideal man.

Leslie

He's dark and mysterious. And he can sing. And he plays the organ.

Ann

I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera.

Leslie

Mmmmm.

April

Hey Ron, how's the street parking at your house?

Ron

What?

April

Can you handle like 20 cars or a double-decker party bus?

Ron

There is no street parking at my house. My house is not even on a street.

April

Do you have space for like a huge circus tent?

Ann

Hey Ron, have you seen... [Ron starts violently popping the balloons with a pen] What!? What the hell!? No!

Ron

Well looks like there won't be any balloons for the birthday boy.

Ann

These were for a sick child at the hospital!

Ron

...Ah. My office now.

Ann

I don't work for you!

Ron

Don't care.

Ron

I'm only gonna ask you this once. What is going on with my birthday?

Ann

Oh my God Ron! It's your birthday!? Happy Birthday!

Ron

Shut your damn mouth.

Ann

This is a fun conversation.

Ann

First of all, this color looks amazing on you.

Leslie

Thank you.

Ann

Second of all, the whole fence thing? She's obviously trying to get a rise out of you. Third of all, she knows she only got the job because you turned it down which must drive her nuts! But most importantly, say the word and I will beat her senseless with a baseball bat.

Leslie

[deeply touched] Thank You.