Scenes with Ann Perkins 84
Ann No offense, but maybe you think I'm going too fast 'cause you're going too slow with Ben!
No offense, but I'm going slow 'cause I might lose my job!
Ann No offense, but maybe that's a little bit of an excuse for not acting on your feelings!
No offense, but I don't remember you having a nursing degree in feelings!
Ann Offense! That's rude! I'm gonna go dance. Douche, you're up!
Hey, are you OK? I heard yowling.
Yeah, I'm very angry and I'm really drunk. Do you wanna dance with me? Go get me another snork juice.
Oh, that's maybe not the best idea for you.
[immediately appears] Yes, I'm here!
[Leslie and Ann are drunk and fighting outside the restroom]
If you're worried about working with Chris it doesn't matter! He's fine with it. He said it wouldn't be weird.
Ann You talked to Chris before you talked to me?!
[A girl walks between them]
[Cut to Leslie being interviewed]
This is my first fight with Ann and it's a doozy. But, I believe that honest discussions between friends can lead to deeper intimacy. This is a watershed moment in our relationship and it's important that we fight clean. All I need to do is focus, and stay calm.
[Cut back to Leslie and Ann]
You're stupid and you're a jerk and you're stupid! [Runs into the restroom]
Ann UGH!
This "Snake Juice" is basically rat poison. Everybody's wasted.
[cuts to a drunk and crying Leslie]
You don't even know one thing, I didn't even say one thing and then she asked me the whole thing and I didn't even do it once!
[cuts to a drunk Tom]
I'm like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it's like OK, he's in there.
[cuts to a drunk Ann]
Ann I'm gonna tell you...That...That bitch over there...I'm...I'm gonna tell..I don't have to...I don't have to brag.
[cuts to a drunk and giggling Ben]
[cuts to a drunk Andy]
Turn this music down. [singing] Farts and boobs and love and stuff... macaroni salad...
[cuts to a drunk April]
[cuts to a drunk and laughing Jerry who starts coughing then drinks more Snake Juice]
[cuts to a drunk Ron, who is wearing April's hat and dancing frantically]
You're wearing snow pants...
Ann I got home last night and I thought I might go sledding...
[View of Ann's lawn where there's not a drop of snow in sight]
[Ann comes in to interview for the Public Health position]
Ann Yeah I had some encouragement.
Your sweater's on inside-out.
Ann And backwards! It's been a tough morning. Lots of regret and shame. Should be the official slogan for Snake Juice.
Uh well this committee would like to ask if you are the kind of candidate who could forgive someone after they behaved like a complete jackass.
Ann This candidate could, especially since this candidate also behaved like a total jackass.
Please don't worry about it. The committee totally understands.
Ann Also, I can talk about my qualifications for this position but first, I am gonna go throw up in a wastebasket.
Would you mind if I joined you?
Ann Not at all! Shall we?
[Ann walks into her office to find it literally bursting with balloons]
Hey! Ladies and gentlemen for the first time ever at her new part-time job in the health department at City Hall it's Ann Meredith Perkins!
Ann Leslie this is so nice!
[popping out of the balloons] I put poisonous gas in one of these balloons so if any of them pops you may die.
[popping out of the balloons] No April, we would all die. Gasses fill the volume of whatever container they're in. [looking at the camera] School.
We have activities every hour on your first day. 10am: Ann's First Day Waffle Explosion. 11am: the Start Paperwork Jamboree. And then twelve noon sharp is the Inaugural Da-ANNce Party.
[popping out of the balloons] Welcome to City Hall cupcake!
Ann How many of you are in here!?
There's seven! And you have an office mate. His name is Stuart and he's kind of a grouch.
Ann I have an office mate?
S Stuart
[popping out of the balloons] Get these fucking balloons out of here!
Ann ...Hi I'm Ann.
Ann Hey I'm thinking about getting a new phone, do you guys like your phones?
[while texting] I've never used a phone in my life.
Ann Well, I've made a little progress. I'm up to seven seconds with April.
[cut to Ann trying to talk to April]
Ann Hey April, I was looking to get some new music and I was wondering if you could recommend anything.
Ann I really like your haircut, where'd you get it?
Ann How's your sister doing?
Ann Who's your favorite character on Sex and the City?
[cut back to Ann being interviewed]
Ann And nine seconds with Ron.
[cut to Ann trying to talk to Ron]
Ann You're stranded on a desert island, what's the one thing you bring with you?
Ann ...
To Abigail, "Flyest Hairstyle."
[applause]
And Ann gets the badge for "Second Flyest Hairstyle!"
Ann Oh. I wasn't competing for that.
Okay so what did everybody make for their loosely structured craft time? Lauren?
L Lauren
I made a Gertrude Stein!
[applause]
Amazing! Lauren, that's so good! I really wouldn't wanna follow that. Ann?
Ann Oh boy...Um I was making some corn husk dolls for everyone. But they kind of turned out wrong so they look like monsters.
Ann I'm sorry. I'm just gonna put that over there...in the fire. [throws dolls in the fire]
Well Ann's keeping us warm and that's important.
[Ron and Ann have just fixed the bathroom sink]
Ann Oh my God! We made it work!
It's a good feeling. Sense of accomplishment and pride. Damn it I just love it so much.
[Ron and Ann have just fixed the kitchen sink]
I see you've got the handle on that torque wrench.
Ann Yeah well the flange was a little warped so I just goosed it with a triple three bolt smack.
Ann I know but it's so fun to talk like that!
You know what, keep this. [Hands Ann the toolbox] You earned it.
Ann [touched] Thanks Ron.
I'm just freaking out. The only thing we have left is work and now he doesn't want to work together anymore. What does that all mean?
Ann I think you know what it means.
Yeah. I should just drag out that tiny park project for as long as possible so Ben and I can keep working together.
Ann That's almost exactly the opposite of what I meant.
No, what I'll do is I'll get the neighborhood all riled up and then maybe they'll ask for an environmental impact report, and then Ben and I will work together for at least another year. Good idea, Ann.
Ann Leslie, for God's sakes...
No, Ann, please I beg of you, will you just shut your beautiful pie hole? Just sit there and let me stare are at you while you silently support me on this gameplan.
Ann Leslie...
Ann Leslie...
Your quiet support means the world to me, as does your tacit endorsement of all my behaviors.
Ann Your campaign advisors quit. Big deal. You're running for city council again, Leslie. With our help.
April Ludgate. Youth Outreach and Director of New Media.
Tom Haverford. Image Consultant, Swagger Coach.
Ann Ann Perkins. Office Manager and Volunteer Coordinator.
Andy Dwyer. Security, Sweets, Body Man, Javelin, if need be.
Donna Meagle. Transpo', AKA rides in my Benz.
Wh...You guys didn't tell me we were doing this. I did not know I was supposed to come up with something. I...
Ron Swanson. Any other damn thing you might need.
Guys, it's so much work. I can't ask you to put your lives on hold.
Find one person here who you haven't helped by putting your life on hold.
[choked up] I don't know what to say...except let's go win an election!
Ann Leslie, I don't know the first thing about running a political campaign.
Ann, you beautiful tropical fish. You're smart as a whip and you're cool under pressure. You've resuscitated a human heart in your bare hands!
Ann No I haven't.
Ann No!
You will. You're that good of a nurse.
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Parks and Recreation · 658 quotes
Ann
