Ann Perkins quotes from Parks and Recreation

Leslie

I promise that Andy isn't suing just for the money.

Ann

Leslie, the man lived in a pit. He couldn't find a place to live on the Earth's surface so he went under the ground. We're dealing with a grown man who thinks like a gopher.

Leslie

Check this out. These are all the possible routes from Greg Pikitis' house to the statue.

Ann

That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial killer.

Leslie

In a way, that's a compliment. It shows dedication.

Hey. Yeah I'm gonna leave.

Ann

Oh, Okay.

This isn't that fun.

Ann

Didn't need to tell me that.

Leslie

News flash! We're screwed! We got a big problem with the library.

Tom

Punk ass book jockeys!

Ann

Wait why do we hate the library?

Leslie

The library is the worst group of people ever assembled in history. They're mean, conniving, rude and extremely well read which makes them very dangerous.

Jerry

For my murinal, I was inspired by the death of my grandma—

Tom

You said "murinal!"

Jerry

No, I didn't.

Ann

Yes, you did. You said "murinal." I heard it.

Jerry

Anyway, she—

April

Jerry, why don't you put that murinal in the men's room so people can murinate all over it?

Tom

Jerry, go to the doctor. You might have a murinary tract infection.

Jerry

...Just wanted to show you my art...

Murinal! Murinal! Murinal!

Leslie

Disqualified!

Jerry

It's Pointillism. And each dot is a photo of the citizen of the town—

Tom

[from other room] No one cares! At all!

Ann

Leslie you said that we were gonna hunt together.

Leslie

Oh Ann, I always forget since you're so pretty you're not used to rejection.

Leslie

Ron I got your hat! Are you in a lot of pain!?

Ron

I was shot in the head with a shotgun!

Ann

Ron it's actually not that serious. I just need you to stay calm okay?

Ron

Yeah I'm just gonna stay angry! I find that relaxes me!

Ann

Okay how are you feeling? Are you dizzy? Are you light headed?

Ron

When I look at my palm I see a lady's mouth french kissing a dog. Is that normal?

Leslie

Is that normal?

Ann

Well the pain medication I gave you is pretty strong. Donna uses it for menstrual cramps. How many did you take?

Ron

Seven...Eight! But I washed them down with plenty of fluids. [shows the empty bottle of scotch]

Ann

No Ron you cannot drink scotch with this! You're gonna need to purge right now okay?

Ron

No I'm not wasting twenty year scotch.

Ann

Can you open his mouth Leslie?

Leslie

What?

Ann

Open his mouth!

Leslie

Okay.

Ron

I'm not making myself throw up.

Ann

Ron you have to.

Leslie

I'm sorry we have to do this! This is for your own good!

Ron

I will bite you!

Ann

Grab his mustache!

Leslie

OPEN YOUR MOUTH!

Ron

AHHHHHHHH!

Ann

What is your ideal man?

Leslie

He has the brains of George Clooney in the body of Joe Biden.

Ann

This newspaper's from November 1986.

Leslie

The first rumblings of Iran contra. Don't throw that out.

Ann

I think I need to call child services and have Leslie taken away from herself.

Leslie

I hate it here, this place is evil.

Ann

I think these are the only two films that say Sweetums on the label.

Leslie

Yeah well let's take em both. We might find something interesting. Here just stick em under my shirt. We'll just walk out

Ann

They have sensors! Just check them out it's free.

Leslie

Hi Marcy.

Leslie! Are they finally teaching you parks people how to read? Oh I guess not! It's a movie.

Leslie

You're pretty cocky for someone who's job is obsolete because of the internet.

...Let's see. Hmm you seem to have a $40 late fee on a book called MYSTERIES OF THE FEMALE ORGASM.

Leslie

NO I DON'T!

Yeah. You do.

Leslie

...Ann grab the movies! GO! GO! GO! GO!

Leslie

PUNK ASS BOOK JOCKEYS!

Ann

Any questions?

If sugar's so bad how come Jesus made it taste so good?

Ann

Uh... [turns to someone else] Yes?

But isn't all food bad for you? I've been eating lasagna and muffins everyday of my life for 40 years and I feel terrible.

Ann

Right. [turns to someone else]

What's so bad about corn syrup? It's natural. Corn's a fruit. Syrup comes from a bush.

Ann

Oh boy. [turns to someone else]

How do we know you're really a nurse?

Ann

I am I promise. I work at St. Joe's.

Well the point is my friend thinks you're cute. Gimme your number so he can have it.

Ann

Yeah that's not gonna happen.

Can I have your email address? I just got on AOL.

Ann

Oh my God. No!

I think we oughtta throw those bars out and eat ham and mayonnaise sandwiches.

Ann

That's not a good idea.

Ham and mayonnaise! Ham and mayonnaise! [starts a chant]

Ann

[to Leslie] Oh my God I can't believe you do this every week.

Leslie

I'm actually encouraged! The questions are more relevant than usual!

Ron

So basically we're completely swamped. All hands on deck.

Ann

I don't even work in this building.

Ron

Don't care. I need anyone with a pulse and a brain to pitch in.

Jerry

[walking in] Ron, do you need help with anything?

Ron

No, we're good, thanks. In fact, you can head home early.

Ann

So are you happy to be back at work?

Leslie

Well, our budget has been slashed to zero. I tried to buy fertilizer the other day for the soccer field. Request denied. We literally can't buy [bleep].

April

I want another nurse.

Ann

Well there are none. We're stretched pretty thin right now.

April

Then I want a janitor. They can do what you do right?

Ann

Yep. Nurses and janitors are totally interchangeable.

April

Except no-one dresses up like a janitor when they wanna be slutty.