Scenes with Ron Swanson 130
[A mustache-less Ron walks in whistling cheerfully]
Ron Good morning everyone!
Good morning sir! How can I help you? [she realizes it's Ron] Ron! Your mustache fell off!
Ron Hahaha Leslie you goofball! Tammy pointed out that my face looked better without any hair on it and it did collect a lot of food crumbs which is very unsanitary.
Ron [to Jerry] Hey Jer! Hump day am I right buddy?
What is going on? Where's Tammy one?
Ron She moved in with me. She's really helping me out. Yesterday she converted my bank account into a joint bank account with hers.
[sarcastically] Oh! That's great! And how is that gonna help?
Ron ...Not sure. When she explains it, it makes total sense.
Ron there are some things I want to speak to you about but I'm not quite sure how to phrase them.
Ron Just blurt them right out Leslie. Anything you say will stay between you and me. Right my love?
Ron Sorry.
I was hoping to speak with Ron alone.
He wants me here, he invited me. Na na na na na.
Ron Don't worry Leslie, Tammy's totally cool.
Oh okay then I'll say it to her. [To Tammy One] You're evil and you need to go.
Ron [chuckles] Leslie you are a panic. Tammy may I use the restroom?
Remember to wash your hands!
[Ron gets up and leaves]
Okay, you know what? Let's cut the crap. Is this audit even real?
In a sense, yes, but in another, truer sense, no, it is not. I want Ronald back. But I had to learn about his finances to make sure my future was protected. I'm impressed. He's acquired quite a bit of gold...
You...gold digger! You are literally a gold digger!
It's time to settle this.
Ah, an old fashioned prairie drink-off.
[Tammy Zero opens a jug of alcohol]
Ugh, what's in that jug? It smells like jet fuel!
Ron That's Swanson family mash liquor. Made from the finest corn ever grown on American soil. Its only legal use is to strip varnish off of speed boats.
If you win, he's all yours, and if I win, I bring him back to the farm for good.
Wait, what? That wasn't the deal!
Pour me one too, then. Let me in here! I'm gonna join you and if I win, Ron stays here with us.
Ron Leslie, no, don't drink that. We use it to burn warts off of the mules!
[Leslie and the Tammys take a shot of the liquor]
...POISON! UGH! I made a mistake! I made a mistake!
[Leslie is clearly drunk while the Tammys are fine]
[To Tammy One] Had enough?
Of this watered down baby formula? Not even close!
Not ven cloves...Marvin clothes...Glenn Close...
Ron Leslie you don't have to do this.
[Leslie is very drunk on Swanson liquor]
Everybody pants now! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants!
Ron She's had enough. Call it off.
That's not how it works. She's out.
Ron April, no. That stuff will melt the shell off a garden snail.
Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican, I can handle it. [April takes a swig of the liquor, but spits it out in disgust] FUCK! OH MY GOD!
Ron Okay! This ends now! [Ron chugs the entire jug of liquor to everyone's amazement in 15 seconds] Mom, you're going back to the farm. And you. [To Tammy One] You're going back to Hell.
Fine. I got what I came for anyway. I found your underground safe. I stole half your gold.
Ron That's decoy gold! Do you think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe buried underground where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all.
Yes I do. I knew you the minute you were born, I intend to be there the minute you die.
[Tammy One walks out]
Ron...your family's weird...
Well, I've made a little progress. I'm up to seven seconds with April.
[cut to Ann trying to talk to April]
Hey April, I was looking to get some new music and I was wondering if you could recommend anything.
I really like your haircut, where'd you get it?
Who's your favorite character on Sex and the City?
[cut back to Ann being interviewed]
And nine seconds with Ron.
[cut to Ann trying to talk to Ron]
You're stranded on a desert island, what's the one thing you bring with you?
Ron Silence...
Ron Gentlemen. Wilderness Weekend it upon us. There will be no video games. There will be no internet pads. This weekend you have two parents. Me and Mother Nature.
And I am Mother Nature's brother. Brother Nature. But you can call me Andy or Brother Nature. Your call.
Ron Thank you Andy.
Hey Ron, whose club do you think is better? Yours or mine? The answer is mine. Say mine is better.
Ron It's not a competition.
Oh but it is! Your club made it a competition when they kept girls out. [in a mocking country accent] Oh my stars! I'm just a little lady! My fragile constitution cannot handle the fearsome outdoors!
Ron I have no problem with strong women Leslie!
[still in the fake accent] Who's Leslie!? My name is Annabelle Vandergraf and...y'all...I just fall to pieces when...the sun shines on my haird...
Ron You are defecting?
D Darren
I like you Mr. Swanson it's just, all we do is sit in silence and eat beans.
Ron Those beans were a reward.
Hey Ron, good to see ya! Weren't you a pirate last year?
Ron Yes. This is my Halloween costume. Andrew are you aware that your bathroom faucet is leaking?
Are you kidding me?! I just stuffed a sock in it yesterday! What else do they want me to do?
Ron There's an exposed wire above the bathtub as well.
Oh yeah shock wire! I call it that cause if you take a shower and you touch the wire, YOU DIE!
Ron ...Yes that is accurate.
[Ron is shopping at Lowe's for things to fix April and Andy's house]
LS Lowe's Employee
Hi there! Is there a project you're working on?
Ron I know more than you.
LS Lowe's Employee
...Alright.
[Ron and Ann have just fixed the bathroom sink]
Oh my God! We made it work!
Ron It's a good feeling. Sense of accomplishment and pride. Damn it I just love it so much.
[Ron and Ann have just fixed the kitchen sink]
Ron I see you've got the handle on that torque wrench.
Yeah well the flange was a little warped so I just goosed it with a triple three bolt smack.
Ron That was nonsense.
I know but it's so fun to talk like that!
Ron You know what, keep this. [Hands Ann the toolbox] You earned it.
Your campaign advisors quit. Big deal. You're running for city council again, Leslie. With our help.
April Ludgate. Youth Outreach and Director of New Media.
Tom Haverford. Image Consultant, Swagger Coach.
Ann Perkins. Office Manager and Volunteer Coordinator.
Andy Dwyer. Security, Sweets, Body Man, Javelin, if need be.
Donna Meagle. Transpo', AKA rides in my Benz.
Wh...You guys didn't tell me we were doing this. I did not know I was supposed to come up with something. I...
Ron Ron Swanson. Any other damn thing you might need.
Guys, it's so much work. I can't ask you to put your lives on hold.
Ron Find one person here who you haven't helped by putting your life on hold.
[choked up] I don't know what to say...except let's go win an election!
Is there even enough room for everyone?
No that's humiliating! Can't I at least sit on Andy's lap?
No that's Champion's spot, he called it.
Ron Tom we're already late. Now be a man and sit on that girl's lap.
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Parks and Recreation · 658 quotes
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