Hey Ron, how's the street parking at your house?
RonWhat?
Can you handle like 20 cars or a double-decker party bus?
Ron
There is no street parking at my house. My house is not even on a street.
Do you have space for like a huge circus tent?
[Ann walks in with a big bunch of balloons]
Hey Ron, have you seen... [Ron starts violently popping the balloons with a pen] What!? What the hell!? No!
Ron
Well looks like there won't be any balloons for the birthday boy.
These were for a sick child at the hospital!
[The final balloon spins around to reveal "Get Well Soon Tyrone!" is written on it]
Ron
...Ah. My office now.
Ron
Don't care.
You want me to do what now?
Ron
Send Leslie somewhere on an assignment, a conference or something...and make her take April...and freeze their bank accounts.
I don't understand. Is Leslie's work unsatisfactory?
Ron
No it has nothing to do with her work. I don't wanna get into it.
Wow. This is me okay? You know you can talk to me about anything.
Ron
[Quietly] Well it's my birthday on Friday.
Hey! Happy Birthday! [Kisses Ron full on the mouth]
[Ron is frozen with a horrified look on his face]
[Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker]
Ron
So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
Ron
No. No you didn't. Tom?
Don't look at me. Look at Ben.
What?! I didn't break it.
Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
If it matters, probably not, but April was the last one to use it.
Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that Jerry!
Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it Ron.
Ron
No! Who broke it!?
Ron...Donna's been awfully quiet.
[Everyone starts arguing]
Ron
[being interviewed] I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.
Ron
Hello, my name is Ron Swanson. Normally I try never to speak with people, but I've been drinking this Snake Juice thing, and it's damn good. You should buy it.
BPBar Patron
Yeah okay, thanks man.
Ron
Son, you should know that my suggestion is essentially a guarantee. [hands man glass of Snake Juice] Drink this. Now.
[Donna has all the drunk people packed in her Benz]
Ron
Is this everybody?
Ann took a cab, Tom's in the trunk, Jerry's on the roof. Alright, where to first?
[Everyone laughs]
If even one of you thinks about dry-heaving in my car your all walking home.
I feel that some structural changes could really unlock this department's potential. Jerry.
I believe that you are capable of so much more.
Nonsense. Look in the mirror!
You are an intelligent, charismatic, beautiful superhero. I'm making you head of Public Relations, which means you'll be leading the Monday briefing sessions.
Ron
Excellent idea.
[Ron swivels away from Donna]
Okay you did not just swivel away while I was talking to you.
[Ron swivels back]
This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy! I'm down to one word a minute. And the word is "perflipisklep" because I can't fly spaceships.
Ron
Donna you know as well as I do that these City Manager shake-ups always peter out. We just have to wait.
Usually I'm with you. But this is Chris Traeger. The six million dollar man. He won't quit. So you need to swivel your ass down to his office and have a word with him.
Ron
Chris, you have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it might ruin the entire department.
Ron
I mean that as a compliment. So it pains me to say this: my department has to go back to the way it was.
Give them time. They'll adjust.
Ron
No they won't. They're miserable. Tom only performs when there's someone to impress, so marooning him on freak island isn't helping anyone. And you made April assistant to everyone? You know who April hates? Everyone. And Jerry can only function if no one is looking. You shine a light on him and he shrinks up faster than an eskimo's scrotum.
That's very perceptive, Ron. And very graphic.
Ron
We've worked together for a while now. I'd like to think I know you pretty well. Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night.
[Ron holds up his phone]
[over phone] OK, OK, and this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss.
[over phone] Whoa, Eleanor likes the tongue. Show me Pelosi again.
[over phone] OK, lay down...
[Ron puts his phone away]
Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Ron
Unfortunately not.
Ron
This is a scandal waiting to happen. If you get caught which you CLEARLY will, Chris will fire you and I won't be able to stop him.
Ron, we're being very careful.
[Ron holds up his phone]
[over phone] Oh President Reagan, my blazer popped open.
[over phone impersonating Ronald Reagan] Well, Maggie Thatcher, let me help you with that. Our countries have had a very special relationship.
...You've proven your point.
Guess I'll be heading home.
Ron
Catching the number 12 bus to Satan's butthole?
Actually I prefer the number 69 train to Humpsville station.
Red alert, Swanson! Your ex-wife's back!
Ron
No kidding, Donna.
Not her. The other ex-wife.
Ron
...Tammy One?
[They all look at Ron's window and see a woman partially obscured by the blinds]
Oh Shit! [runs away in fear]
[Ron bolts out of the office past Leslie, then turns back to her]
Ron
Knope, follow me.
Ron
NOW.
[Ron grabs Leslie's chair and wheels it down the hallway]
Ron! Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron, what's going on?
Ron
My ex-wife is back.
[Ron grabs a footrest off the shoe shine stand]
Yeah, I saw her in the courtyard.
Ron
No, my other ex-wife Tammy - Tammy One.
[Leslie gasps]
Ron
I have accrued 228 personal days. Starting now, I am using all of them. While I'm gone, you're in charge.
[Ron plunges the footrest into the wall, steps up, removes an air grate and retrieves a large bag of survival equipment marked "Tammy One" from the duct]
Ron
Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it, or it will begin to smell. Godspeed.
[Ron runs down the hall at full speed, plowing into Jerry in the process.]
Ron
Hello Tammy.
Ron
That's enough small talk. What do you want?
You remember what I do for a living I trust?
Ron
Yes. You ruin people's lives.
You're being audited Ronald.
Ron
I don't care.
Then why is your mustache trembling?
Ron
...
I'm here as a friend. Call it nostalgia. Or perhaps guilt for all the times I tried to smother you in your sleep...
Ron
I don't need your help.
Wrong. You do. But as you're so fond of saying, it's a free county. Good luck. I hope you don't go to jail.
[seeing the mess of receipts on Ron's desk] Good God Ronald! This is a much bigger mess than I imagined. You will take a week off from work. We'll do a complete overhaul of your finances. I'll need access to all of your accounts. And your home.
Ron
...Is that necessary?
Oh are we playing a game where everyone says something stupid?
[to Andy] You. What is your name?
...Tim...Tim Buckanowski...
Andy, you're going to collect all of this and you're going to put it in my car. Ms. Knope!
You're going to go to payroll and get copies of Ronald's workplace expense reports.
Uh...I...I'm just wondering how long that's going to take because Ron and I have a very important meeting together. It's called the battle royale. It's super fun-
Oh, you and Ron have a big meeting huh? I'm sure Ron will remember the meeting fondly while he makes toilet wine in a Federal prison in Terre Haute.
...I'll...I'll head down to payroll.
Now! You're not getting any younger.
Parks and Recreation · 658 quotes
