Scenes with Ron Swanson 130
Ron Officer I've been operating heavy machinery since I was eight years old. Now I respect you and your service to this town and your country, but what laws are we breaking exactly?
O Officer
Well you got four people in the front seat. Nobody's wearing a seat belt. You were speeding and blasting your horn through the hospital zone. The rear of the vehicle's open. Debris' been falling out. And you don't have a commercial license to drive a truck.
Ron Okay well you and I have a philosophical difference on what constitutes a law.
Ron how's the stage coming?
Ron Well, since we had to jettison the bulk of the wood, this is the biggest I could make it. [presents tiny stage]
Oh my God. [notices her trimmed down banner] Good lord! What happened to the rest of my face!?
We had to jetsons most of the poster too but I kinda like it cause windows are the eyes to the house.
Thank you, John, for coming in. The Public Works department is wonderful and you are the best idea man in the business.
Ron Also we're cancelling all of your ongoing projects.
J John
What? What about the Pawnee River dam?
Ron Dam's dead. Have a nice day.
J John
Where will all the water go?
Ron Wherever it's headed now. The important thing is the dam is never happening and your dream has been crushed.
Ron I am not. Good meeting.
Ron Thank you all for being here. Let's get started.
Ron Sorry, I was talking to these ribs.
Aww cool cryptex! Can I have it!?
How do you know what a cryptex is?
Well Leslie hid the location of our Valentine's meeting place in here. I've tried every five letter word that has anything to do with our third date.
...That's a four letter word.
I really don't think it's that.
I wish I could help you bro, I don't know if I can. You're like the second smartest guy I know. You should go to the first smartest guy I know.
[cut to Ben and Andy in Ron's office]
So the clue is inside and it takes a five-letter code to open.
Ron ...Did you try 'Fucks?'
Yes! Why is that everyone's first suggestion?!
Ron I think I might be able to help you.
[Ron takes a hammer and smash open the cryptex]
Ron Yes I will be providing several slabs of my world famous Swanson ribs.
And I will be providing my world famous $100 lap dances!
[Donna is blocking Bill's truck with her Mercedes]
B Bill
Hey! What the hell guys?! Move!
Alright! Ya'll got your seat belts on?
[Donna throws her Benz in reverse and slams into Bill's truck]
Did you see that!? That son of a bitch just rear-ended me!
Exactly Bill. What the hell? You just rear-ended me.
B Bill
That is not what happened.
Yeah. It went down exactly as my girl said it did you mean bald man.
B Bill
[To Ron] Hey what about you? Mister "a man's word is sacred."
Ron Well it is but you're an asshole.
So we can settle this now. I will accept payment in van rentals.
Ron Here I have designed something very important. Why don't you start work on that right away?
Ron [to the camera] It's a flight of stairs that leads to nowhere.
Well done Team! What do ya think of the place?
Do you really like this yellow paint? I mean I know it was on sale but it looks a lot like dried phlegm.
For real Tom. This place is sad. I think one of the mannequins tried to commit suicide.
I think what's important is that we all had a goal, and we achieved it.
Oh no it's quite terrible.
This is the best I can do for now. And I'm $46 under budget! Now I have a small treat for you guys for all your hard work. Pizza Party!
One small pizza for all of us!? With no toppings!?
Cheese is a topping Jerry! And why are all these lights blaring by the way? Does somebody own stock in the electric company? [shuts the lights off]
Ron Hmm. If there were more food and fewer people this would be the perfect party.
Welcome to the new new Rent-A-Swag now with 30% more swag. I used the money you guys gave me to add a little flair and I took everything I own in my house and brought it here. Except for my bed. I basically live here now.
Ron I hate all of this. Which probably means it's good for your business.
Ron What?
Oh! I forgot to sing you my Merry Congratuchristmas carol! Jingle bells! Jingle yay! Jingle good for you!
Ron Get out.
[Leslie is giving Ron two thumbs up]
Ron guess why my thumbs are up!
Ron No.
Because I am giving you my 100% approval about Diane. She is perfect for you! She gets you! She is at the bar right now ordering a Lagavulin neat, for you! I mean she's even putting up with all this stupid, boring woodworking stuff!
[Everyone around them looks offended]
I'm sorry but you know it's not the Superbowl guys, let's take it down a notch. Anyway, you have my approval.
Ron I don't need your approval.
Ron Don't need it.
Alert! Alert ! Alert! Alert!
Ron She's here isn't she?
Oh hey Ron! What a coincidence! Gosh I never dreamed you'd be here!
Ron Tammy, this is Diane. Diane this is a piece of human garbage named Tammy who is also my ex-wife.
Twice ex-wife! We were married twice.
And divorced twice! Everything is done, they're totally done! Tammy! What are you doing here?
Oh I just have a little something I need to get drilled.
Ron Girls this is Ann. Talk to Ann, she's terrific.
...Hey dudettes! You stoked about the weekend...no. Oh! Look at this pwetty pwetty wittle bead.
Ron They're not infants.
I don't know. I'm weird with kids. So...you guys like Coldplay?
Okay. Thanks. [walks away]
‹ Previous Page 10 of 13
Next ›
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
Parks and Recreation · 658 quotes
Ron
