Ron Swanson quotes from Parks and Recreation

Your department banned me from attending games just because I yell "You Suck" at the players.

Ron

According to the complaint you yelled it at 5-year-old girls.

WHO SUCK! WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND!?

Andy

They have one called the "Meat Tornado." Literally killed a guy last year.

Ron

You had me at "Meat Tornado."

Leslie

[gasps] Whale tail! Whale tail! She's flashing a whale tail! Abort! Abort!

Ron

Hello Tammy.

Tammy Two

Oh hello Ron. I didn't see you come in. I was just checking myself for scoliosis.

Ron

And?

Tammy Two

Straight as an arrow. Just like somebody else I know. Jerky?

Ron

Call off the dogs. You and I both know that in my entire adult life I have never checked a book out of the library.

Leslie

Oh my God she's amazing...

Ron

[chuckles] I admit there was a time when that sort of behavior would've driven me wild. But I'm in a healthy relationship now Tammy.

Tammy Two

A relationship!? With whom!?

Ron

A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy.

Tammy Two

Sounds like a real whore.

Ron

Can we turn the radio off? This is our song.

Ben

Your song is 'Dancing On The Ceiling' by Lionel Richie? Oh! Wow look at that. You shaved off part of your mustache. That's lovely.

Ron

I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off...from friction.

Ben

Ugh!

Ron

Tammy and I are in love and we're gonna start a family together. In fact, she's ovulating so if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our honeymoon.

Jerry

Wow! Where ya going?

Leslie

Jerry!

Ron

We're gonna spend 11 days in my cabin in the woods.

Tammy Two

We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40 pound bag of peanuts for energy.

Leslie

Oh God!

Ron

Tammy! That's enough!

Tammy Two

Hey Baby!

Ron

You almost had me...again. But seeing you pick on this pathetic, defenseless little man...

Tom

Hey!

Ron

..reminded me what kind of monster you are.

Tammy Two

You're a joke. You're not even a man anymore. Oh, and by the way, last night I faked four out of the seven.

Ron

[Chuckles] So did I. Let's go son.

Leslie

So Chris do you have any sisters?

Chris

No, I don't Leslie. Do you have sisters?

Leslie

Maybe. So how's your mom? Is she visiting?

Chris

No she's home up in Wisconsin. Is your mom visiting?

Leslie

Any aunts?

Chris

Nope. You have aunts?

Leslie

Girl cousins? A youthful grandmother perhaps?

Chris

Nope.

Ron

Did you forget how to have a conversation?

Ron

[lifting the grill cover] AHHHH!

Leslie

Ron!?

Ron

What in the Devil's name is this!?

Chris

Portobello Mushrooms!

Ron

Where's the steak!?

Chris

Oh there's no steak. That's a healthier option. It's organically grown.

Ron

...[starts to faint]

Leslie

I am so proud of all of you! You've worked so hard, you're amazing! So I have a surprise. And it is possibly the best thing to potentially ever happen to anyone anywhere in the history of the universe. Ladies and gentlemen, the world famous Li'l Sebastian!

Ron

Well done Leslie! Well done!

Leslie

Li'l Sebastian made his debut at the last Harvest Festival in 1987 and he was an instant phenomenon. For the next few years, Sebastian was the number one boys name in Pawnee...and the number three girl's name!

Ben

So what am I missing? What's the deal with this pony?

Tom

He's not a pony Ben! He's a mini horse, there's a big difference.

Ben

Well then why is he so famous? Does he do something? What does he do?

Ron

Son, this horse has an honorary degree from Notre Dame.

Leslie

We all need to be very careful. Okay remember, this little guy is 25 now. And he has cataracts in both eyes. He has severe arthritis. Jerry's going to look after him.

Jerry

Yes I am. We are on the same diabetes medication. Are you my Glucotrol buddy!? Are you!?

Leslie

Isn't it amazing!

Ben

Yeah I just gotta be honest. I don't know what the big deal is.

...

Leslie

Get out!

Jerry

[referring to Li'l Sebastian] If they've been missing this long, they're probably dead.

Tom

Well, if he is, you'll be answering to the whole town. And God.

Jerry

For the last time--

April

Jerry, shut up. I can't hear myself not talking to Andy.

Andy

Ron, can you tell me why April is mad at me?

April

Ron, can you tell Andy--

Ron

Andy, she's mad at you because you said 'awesomesauce' instead of 'I love you too.' April, he loves you, stop being a child. Tom, everyone knows you're at fault; blaming Jerry won't save you. Jerry, I know for a fact that you were sucking down funnel cakes when you were supposed to be watching Li'l Sebastian. Now will everyone please apologize to everyone?

Andy

[to April] I do love you, you know.

April

You do?

Andy

Yeah. That's what makes the sauce so awesome.

Chris

Hey gang!

Leslie

Hey, what did you bring?

Chris

I was in charge of the cake. To be fair, it's not a cake so much as it is a vegetable loaf. You got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, your spinach and I had it sweetened with fruit reduction.

Ron

But did they ask you to bring a vegetable loaf or a cake?

Chris

No, a cake, but this is so much healthier.

Ron

So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone of cake!

Leslie

Take a walk, Ron.

Andy

Attention, everybody! Madams and...mis...wahs? If you would do me the obligation of having your honor, heretofore, in the room doth right over there, uh, hence.

Ron

What?

Andy

Big event, in that room, fifteen minutes.

Chris

You ever tried a turkey burger?

Ron

Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, then yes. Delicious.

Would you like to sample our vegan bacon? 100% meatless.

Ron

Yes please.

...

Ron

Another please.

Sir is there a problem?

Ron

I'm just making sure no-one ever has to eat this.

I...I don't think I can give you anymore.

April

I want one.

Chris

I humbly place before you my East meets West, patented Traeger Turkey Burger. An Asian fusion burger made with Willow Farms organic turkey, toasted taleggio cheese crisp, papaya chutney, black truffle aoli and microgreens on a gluten free brioche bun. Enjoy!

Tom

This tastes as delicious as Beyonce smells...I'm guessing.

Donna

What is this in here? Saffron?

Chris

Wow! Somebody's got a sharp palette!

I love the umami flavor.

Jerry

Stop being so pretentious Kyle!

Sorry.

Ron

Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made out of meat, on a bun, with nothing. Add ketchup if you want, I couldn't care less.

Chris

Ron, I am so disappointed. I thought that you and I were gonna have a real challenge.

Tom

Never mind this is better!

Donna

Way better!

Jerry

Mmmmm Mmmhmm!

Andy

...Kyle?

...Sorry Andy, Ron's is better.

Andy

Damn it Kyle! [takes a bite of Ron's burger] Oh my God this is so much better it's crazy!

Ron

Turkey can never beat cow Chris. Sorry.

Chris

I don't understand. I've tinkered with this recipe for years. Granted it's been along time since I've had a hamburger. [takes a bite of one of Ron's burgers] ...This is better. The commisary will continue to serve horrifying, artery clogging hamburgers.

Yay!