Ron Swanson quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ron

Now that you're getting divorced, I sort of feel like there may be some potential with me and Wendy. Would it be okay with you if I asked her out once the fake dust settles?

Tom

Yeah. Why not? Sure.

Ron

Looking at her, I feel like she might be the perfect spooning size for me. I'm gonna take a leak.

Tom

...

Ron

This seems like none of our business.

Leslie

Be supportive, OK? Don't be all like, "No. I don't want to. I am a guy and I like fire, and playing hockey and eating meat. No, no says I."

April

That was a really good Ron.

Leslie

Thank you.

Ron

Got a call from some panicky morning joggers. Apparently sanitation didn't empty this dumpster, to the raccoons delight.

April

I thought raccoons were supposed to be nocturnal.

Ron

Not in this town, sweetheart. In this town, they're 24/7. We can't have raccoons for the Christmas thing. They'll hunt the kids for sport.

Tom

Ronald, I've done it. I've found your assistant and he's dope. His name is Jean-Ralphio. Jean-Ralphio!

Jean-Ralphio

Big T! Mr. Swanson, two things: one, it is an absolute honor to meet you. Two, who is that hot intern chick out there? Because honestly, daaaaaaamn!

Ron

Uh, take a seat.

Jean-Ralphio

Right, here we go.

Ron

So Jean-Ralphio...

Jean-Ralphio

You got him right here. Leave a message after the beep.

Ron

Why do I want you as my assistant?

Jean-Ralphio

For starters, access to the illest clubs. And that's just for starters. I will work for you. I'll be on you 24/7. I'll be like your family. I'm here when you get here in the morning, sure enough, I'll be there tucking you into bed at night. Don't worry, it's not gay. Do we have questions?

Tom

I think our only question is when can you start?

Jean-Ralphio

Right now. Let's do it.

Ron

Thank you for coming in. We will talk.

Jean-Ralphio

Cool. I feel good about this. Hey, you know you can hit me up on Facebook anytime day or night, you know that right?

Tom

Take care, buddy.

Jean-Ralphio

Boom.

Tom

So what do you think of your new assistant?

Ron

I want to punch you in the face so bad right now.

Leslie

They only honor women and Ron's the opposite of a woman.

Ron

What's going on?

April

You're umm Pawnee's Woman of the Year it looks like.

Ron

...Well it's about time.

Leslie

I think the Pawnee chapter of the IOW made a little mistake.

Ron

[sarcastically] Really!? You're saying a women's organization made a mistake!?

Leslie

I was as surprised as you were. But the fact is they only give that award to women.

Ron

Hmm well it definitely said Ron Swanson in the letter.

Leslie

Yeah but it also mentioned my camp project.

Ron

Ah yes Camp Xena.

Leslie

Athena. Camp Athena. You don't even know the name.

Ron

Well I almost got it. I was pretty close.

Leslie

No.

Leslie

How's the scheduling conflict with the soccer teams going? Take care of that did you?

Ron

Nope. Passed the buck to Donna.

Leslie

That's not really the attitude I'd expect from an award winner.

Ron

Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I've won an award.

Leslie

Twenty-six certificates, plaques, ribbons, trophies, medals and miscellany certifying that I am the kind of person who deserves recognition for her achievements. What do you have Ron!?

Ron

I have the Dorothy Everytime Smurf girl trophy for excellence in female stuff.

Leslie

Dorothy Everton Smyth! I swear to God...

Ron

Come on Leslie, you know I'm not sexist. I love powerful women.

Leslie

You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games.

Elise Yarktin

The media has all but written us off as a niche interest group. But if you give a woman's award to a mustachioed, masculine man such as yourself well then eventually people take notice.

Ron

I don't want the damn thing.

Elise Yarktin

Well we're giving it to you. So you're going to take it...like a man. So congratulations!

Leslie

The IOW is a bunch of sexist jerks who need to get back in the kitchen where they belong and leave the real feminist work to actual feminists like Ron Swanson...Oh my God what is happening!?

Elise Yarktin

Oh I'm sorry this area is for award winners only.

Leslie

Ugh get over yourself Elise.

Ron

Work on the speech. Let's nail these women...you know what I mean.

Ron

Hey Mark! Welcome to my haven.

Mark

Thank you.

Ron

You're the first non-me to set foot in here in ten years.

Mark

Ummm Ron none of this is up to code.

Ron

Sure it is! It's up to the Swanson code.

Mark

There's no drainage. Doesn't appear to be any ventilation. You got hazardous chemicals over here.

Ron

Yeah which only I'm breathing. The same liberty that gives me the right to fart in my own car. Are you gonna tell a man that he can't fart in his own car?

Mark

There is a basket of oil-soaked rags hanging above a wood-burning stove.

Ron

Good thing I've got a fire extinguisher. Which I assure you is totally up to your precious code.

Mark

Umm this says it should be recharged June of 1996.

Ron

Those dates are arbitrary. They're like those dates that the government forces companies to put on yogurt and medicine. Observe. Watch yourself.

Ron

Okay. I'll replace this. Happy?

Leslie

Clarence Carrington, David Moser, Michael Tansley, Ron Swanson. Gathered together on a beautiful day in this beautiful park. I think we should just take a moment and appreciate how lucky we are.

I thought you were dead, Clarence.

No, I'm going to outlive you and then I'm going to nail your wife.

Screw you, you old coot.

Classic David. You're worse than Ron.

Ron

Shut your damn mouth, Tansley.

Leslie

OK great, let's go!

Ron

Where the hell are you going!? We have 91 more meetings!

Leslie

I'm sorry Ron. As much as I would like to go for the all time City Hall single-day meetings record, there is an emergency! Someone is trying to alter a gazebo!

Ron

So basically we're completely swamped. All hands on deck.

Ann

I don't even work in this building.

Ron

Don't care. I need anyone with a pulse and a brain to pitch in.

Jerry

[walking in] Ron, do you need help with anything?

Ron

No, we're good, thanks. In fact, you can head home early.