Ron Swanson quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ron

Of course that bitch of an ex-wife is working for the library now. That is perfect! The worst person in the world working at the worst place in the world.

Leslie

I have to go talk to her and you need to give me something I can use. Does she have any weaknesses?

Ron

No.

Leslie

What do you mean no? Everybody has a weakness.

Ron

Not machines. I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone in the future to come back and destroy all happiness.

Leslie

I think it would be healthy for you to get a sense of closure. Look at Mark and me. We slept together, we talked about it, we're still friends.

Ron

You slept with Brendanawicz?

Leslie

...No!

Tammy Two

It's really good to see you Ron.

Ron

You've aged horribly.

Tammy Two

You...son of a bitch!

Ron

That didn't take long.

Tammy Two

Oh my God! What is your problem?! Nothing's changed has it!?

Ron

We didn't talk. We made love.

Leslie

Oh my. Mmm. Good. Oh well, spare me the details. I'm just happy—

Ron

It was so intense, I didn't know where my flesh stopped and hers began. You know what I mean?

Leslie

Yeah...

Ron

Our marriage was always a complete disaster, but we did have...that. The two of us. It's like doing peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours.

Leslie

This seems like a private matter, but I'm—

Ron

That woman really knows her way around a penis.

Ron

Why don't you take the rest of the day off?

Leslie

...

Ron

I mean you spend so much time worrying about this park but, really who cares?

Leslie

I care. I care a lot. That's kinda my thing. Remember?

Ron

But at the end of the day what does it matter if the lot becomes a park or a museum or a mega-church.

Leslie

...Or a library.

Ron

...Nobody said library.

Leslie

Ron have you been talking to Tammy about the lot?

Ron

No, I swear on...a grave.

Leslie

Oh my God! Ron! Tell me the truth. Are you giving her the lot?

Ron

Not giving. We have discussed a trade.

Leslie

For what!?

Ron

[mumbles something]

Leslie

Excuse me?

Ron

...More sex.

Ron

You've gotta help me break up with her.

Leslie

I don't think I should get involved in this.

Ron

Oh now you don't want to get involved? "It's just coffee Ron!" "She's changed Ron!" "I let Mark nail me and we're still friends!"

Leslie

So would you like to be in the room when I tell her it's over or would you rather wait outside?

Ron

In the room. I don't want her to think I'm a wimp.

Leslie

Here's the ground rules: Don't talk to her, do not make eye contact with her, don't believe anything she says. Just sit there like a potted plant. Can you do that?

Leslie

So Tammy, for that and many other reasons, Ron has decided to end this relationship.

Tammy Two

Wait a minute, Ron brought you here to break up with me for him?

Ron

She volunteered.

Tammy Two

Leslie, Ron doesn't wanna break up with me. What Ron wants to do is leave here right now, go to the sleaziest motel in town, and wrap himself around me like a coiled snake.

Ron

I'm sorry Leslie, she wins. I can't resist her.

Leslie

God Ron, you have to!

Tammy Two

Stay out of this! This is our relationship. He's my man. And we have something twisted and beautiful. Oh...You want Ron. That's what this is all about.

Leslie

No! That's insane! ...Fine, I had one dream. But no, no.

Tammy Two

Baby, don't you see what's happening here? She's manipulating you because she's jealous of me, and the things I get to do to your body and face.

Leslie

Ron let's cut the bull. I want me, Tom and all the other ladies to be included on your hunting trip.

Ron

Hunting trip? We're doing a trail survey Leslie.

Leslie

You're literally listening to turkey calls!

Ron

Oh is this not rap?

Ron

Now every year before we go on our first hunt we do a toast so grab a beer. [everyone opens a beer] To the hunt.

Here here!

Leslie

And to the hunters! The only way to defeat the beast, is to find the beast within.

Tom

Ron your toast sucked.

Leslie

Ron I got your hat! Are you in a lot of pain!?

Ron

I was shot in the head with a shotgun!

Ann

Ron it's actually not that serious. I just need you to stay calm okay?

Ron

Yeah I'm just gonna stay angry! I find that relaxes me!

Ann

Okay how are you feeling? Are you dizzy? Are you light headed?

Ron

When I look at my palm I see a lady's mouth french kissing a dog. Is that normal?

Leslie

Is that normal?

Ann

Well the pain medication I gave you is pretty strong. Donna uses it for menstrual cramps. How many did you take?

Ron

Seven...Eight! But I washed them down with plenty of fluids. [shows the empty bottle of scotch]

Ann

No Ron you cannot drink scotch with this! You're gonna need to purge right now okay?

Ron

No I'm not wasting twenty year scotch.

Ann

Can you open his mouth Leslie?

Leslie

What?

Ann

Open his mouth!

Leslie

Okay.

Ron

I'm not making myself throw up.

Ann

Ron you have to.

Leslie

I'm sorry we have to do this! This is for your own good!

Ron

I will bite you!

Ann

Grab his mustache!

Leslie

OPEN YOUR MOUTH!

Ron

AHHHHHHHH!

Ron

You know Leslie the Superbowl's in a couple months. I usually watch it with my brothers. Maybe you could come by at halftime and shoot me in the head.

Leslie

Ron, I'm really sorry that I ruined your weekend.

Ron

Well perhaps the next time I'm enjoying some alone time in the men's restroom, you could invite yourself into my stall and shoot me in the head.

Leslie

Look if there's anything I can do to make it up to you-

Ron

Sure. How bout you shoot me in the head! Oh wait! You already did that!

Ron

[to Leslie] You did good. You're a real stand-up guy. I'm sorry I lost my temper before. It's cause I was shot in the head by a moron.

Tom

Dude Ron I'm so sorry.

Ron

Apology not accepted moron.