Oh good you guys are here! Okay, everybody gather around, I have a big announcement. I'm officially seeking re-election to the Pawnee City Council. I am gonna be running for Dexhart's seat and the campaign starts now.
Oh, I love the sound of silence before a big cheer. That's what's happening? Right?
Leslie, no offense, I've heard a lot of bad ideas today. This is the worst.
I would love it if you ran an insane campaign and basically turned into the Joker...but that means you probably shouldn't do it.
I don't know Leslie, it seems risky. And I'd hate to see you go through another tough fight. But I could be wrong, I haven't pooped in three days.
Okay Ron, you have always given me sage counsel, and your words carry great influence so what do you think I should do?
RonI do not think that you should run again.
What the Hell do you know dum-dum!?
Okay Ron, enough's enough let's talk plans for Diane's baby shower.
Ron
Dear God woman!
Three main activities: baby bingo, baby food tasting and my personal favorite, baby onesie decorating station. I wanna make mine look like an astronaut. What are you doin up there in space baby!? Ugh! So cute! Okay, I have some gift ideas. I was looking at a very adorable stroller.
Ron
We already have a stroller. [motions to the corner]
Oh shoot really? I have to think of something else. [Leslie spots baby John in the corner and gasps] Oh my God, whose baby is that!?
Ron
That would be mine.
Guys, get in here! Ron has a baby!
Ron
Thank you Andrew. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to my son, John, middle name redacted, Swanson. John was born some time ago weighing multiple pounds and several ounces. Much like his father he is a fan of silence. Please keep your voices down.
How am I supposed to keep my voice down when you had your baby, and you didn't tell me that you had your baby!
Ron
Why would you need to know something like that?
[pacing frantically] Why would I!? Oh my God! I have not even sent Diane a gift! She's just walking around wondering why I haven't sent her a gift yet!
Ron
Just let her tire herself out.
If you need anything from us Ron please just let us know.
Ron
Actually there is something. Could one of you please stop at the pet store and pick up some fish food for me?
WHEN DID YOU GET A FISH!?
Ron
What brings you to the festering putrid stink hole on the armpit of freedom?
That's what he calls City Hall.
Leslie was just telling me about your summer internship and I was thinking about taking it.
Ron
[laughing] Oh no no no no! No! I respect your father too much to let his daughter work for free for the government. Why don't you get a paying job for the summer?
Why don't you shut your mustache!?
Ron
Sorry children. Forget that this happened. Continue with your awkward, close quarters gyrating.
[Ron starts rushing Leslie off the stage]
And if this is the evening you decide to have sex use protection please!
Oh, let me introduce you to my boyfriend.
[Greg Pikitis walks up and puts his arm around Allison]
[shocked] ...Greg Pikitis?
You guys know each other?
Come on baby, let's get out of here.
[Greg and Allison walk away]
Ron
It's that horrible kid who used to prank us all the time right?
Offer's off the table. She's a terrible person with terrible judgement.
[Leslie tries to walk away and causes a huge mess due to Greg secretly stapling her dress to a tablecloth]
EREagleton Ron
Well hello gentlemen! What brings you out on this fine evening?
Ron
Motherfucker!
Whoa where'd you come from?
EREagleton Ron
Well that's a complicated question. All depends on whether your conception of time is linear or circular.
EREagleton Ron
Hello Ron.
EREagleton Ron
He was my counterpart from the Eagleton Parks Department.
...What is happening right now!?!
Tell you what. It's been long enough. What do you say we consummate our relationship tonight!?
[Tammy strips all her clothes off until she's standing naked in the middle of the library]
Ron
Oh ho ho and the last card is played!
RRandom Lady
Shhh! This is a library!
Do you see what's happening here!?!
Ron I need that crotch blinder!
Ron
No you don't! Just end it!
There's a prize inside for you.
To Hell with you woman. Goodbye!
[While the others walk out Tammy starts yelling hysterically and knocking over bookshelves]
HOW DARE YOU!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? YOU'LL BE BACK! THEY ALL COME BACK! THEY ALL COME BACK TO TAMMY!
Ron
Well done Jeremy. Turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all along.
COME ON EVERYBODY! WHO WANTS TO GET IT ON!? I'M NAKED!
[Ron and Leslie have been locked in their old office by their coworkers until they can become friends again. After hours of Leslie trying to figure out why Ron is mad at her, Ron has begun digging through boxes.]
Ron
I know I saw it. Aha!
[Ron pulls a detonator out of a box.]
Ron
Detonator...
[He pulls out the claymore that sat on his desk for years before he left the Parks Department.]
Ron
The partially defused claymore mine you gave me ten years ago...
[He places a box in front of a locked door and begins sitting up the claymore in front of it.]
Ron
I'm gonna use it to blow a hole in this damn door, so I can get out of here!
Ron, just...wait a second...
Ron
No. I'm being held as a prisoner against my will, and I have the right as a citizen of the United States to blow a hole in that fucking door and walk out as a free man! It's in the Constitution!
There's no cursing in the Constitution. Look, before you do that...
Ron
Too late! Here we go! FIRE IN THE HOLE!
[Ron hits the detonator, and instead of exploding, the claymore releases confetti and balloons and begins playing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."]
[She grins excitedly and turns to Ron, who looks terrified and confused.]
I gave you that as a gift on your fifth anniversary as Parks Director.
Ron
[slowly, voice cracking] You told me...this was a genuine, partially defused claymore mine.
Well, it was! I bought the empty shell off of eBay, and then I filled it, you know, with balloons and confetti and such.
Ron
You mean to tell me I have had a toy...on my desk for ten years?
You mean to tell me you thought you've had an actual land mine on your desk?
Parks and Recreation · 658 quotes
