Ron Swanson quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ann

But it was actually a blood-hungry witch who was wearing their mom's face like a mask!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ron

Hahaha! What is wrong with you woman?

Ann

Sorry I thought kids liked ghost stories!

Ron

Bakery called this in. It needs to go on that truck right there.

Leslie

Well easy, breezy, beautiful...that's a Covergirl slogan, I didn't mean to say that.

Ann

It's not that bad. Nobody got hurt.

Ron

It's extremely bad! I love this woman, and I just wanna show her that I'm capable of watching her children without something horrible happening. [Ann's mouth is open] What?!

Ann

Did you just say you love Diane?

Ron

No. I did not.

Ann

Yes you did! That is so cute!

Ron

For God's sake, Hanson, will you please focus on the larger problem!

[singing] Oooooo! Ron loves mommy! Ron Loves mommy!

Ron

Girls! Girls! I don't know what you think you heard but please don't tell your mother what you incorrectly think you heard.

Ann

[singing] Ron loves mommy! [the girls join in]

Ron

I LOVE NOTHING! [runs out]

Jerry

[giggles as Ron runs past]

Leslie

How did you get the word out?

Ben

Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass.

Ron

I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle. It's been a very rewarding day.

Ann

How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week?

Ron

One.

Ann

That's it? One drink?

Ron

One shelf.

Ann

Do you exercise?

Ron

Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.

Ann

Do you have any history of mental illness in your family

Ron

I have an uncle who does yoga.

Ann

Allergies?

Ron

Cowardice and weak willed man....and hazelnuts

Ann

Sexual History?

Ron

Epic and Private

Tom

Ron, ask me if I am sad.

Ron

No

Ron

I'd invite you for a drink, but where would we find one here?

Leslie

Are you kidding? This is London. There's a pub over there, there's a pub over there, and there's a pub between those two butcher shops.

Ron

Let's go to that one, but we'll be stopping by those two butcher shops first.

Leslie

I also have a little surprise. I'd like to introduce our new filing temp...

Jerry

[walking in] Hey everybody!

April

NOOOOO!

Tom

Noooo! Why!? This can't be happening!

Ron

Why Leslie!?

Ron

Why are you doing this?

Leslie

What's the big deal? I'm just trying to stop time with legally binding friendship contracts! What part of that do you not understand!?

Ron

You have lost your mind.

April

[still talking like Tynnyfer] I think you need a spa day Les.

Leslie

Fine! You only have to work here until I'm dead! Is that better!?

Ron

What in the name of all that is holy is that smell?

Yerba Mate tea. Sweetened with stevia. It's an all-natural plant extract.

Ron

Shut your damn mouth.

No need to curse.

Ron

There most certainly is!

Leslie

Okay so let's chit chat huh? Let's get to know each other and then become familiar best friends.

Craig

I don't have time for this. I'm halfway through designing a bamboo gazebo as a tribute to the founders of Motown!

Leslie

Haha! That's so Craig! Oh Craig we have fun don't we? Do you guys remember when this all started? I came here with the cookies and then Craig said something so Craig and we all laughed and we were like "Craig!" ...Do you...do you think it would be weird if we held hands? Probably.

Ron

This way please.

Leslie

Excuse me Ron, I am talking to my best friends! Let me go! Best friends attack Ron!

Ron

Okay. Enough is enough. What is wrong with you woman!?

Leslie

I don't have to explain myself to you! I am the Czar! I can do as I please. Those who cross the Czar, feel the wrath of the Czar!

Ron

...

Leslie

Ann is thinking about leaving Pawnee. Moving. With Chris.

Ron

Well that's nice.

Leslie

Nice, Ron!? Edible arrangements are nice. This is volcanically hot betrayal!

Ron

That's your will? You need that many pages to say "Give my stuff to my wife"?

Ben

It's a complicated legal document.

Ron

It doesn't have to be. [pulls a piece of paper from wallet] I've had the same will since I was eight years old.

Ben

[reading it] "Upon my death, all my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?

Ron

The man who kills me will know.

Ben

Ok, you should really have a will that's more than one sentence long. You have a wife and kids now. I could introduce you to our lawyer.

Ron

The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, congressman and doctor. Pass.

Ben

Ron, that document is nothing, it's not even notarized. You know, if you die and you don't have a real will, most of what you own will go to the government.

Ron

[pause] Where is this lawyer you speak of?

Tom

Good news. We have multiple bidders. That guy's getting his financials together. Plans on tearing the whole place down, just wants it for the land.

Ron

Why would he tear down a perfectly good cabin?

Donna

I think he's a developer who wants to put in a luxury glamp ground. Glamping is Glamour Camping. Heated tents, catered meals, Wi-Fi...

Ron

You're describing a hotel.

Ben

Okay just a reminder guys, today is Leslie's last day as a city counselor so everyone be extra supportive.

Ron

Already done. When she walked past me this morning I gave her a kind nod.

Ben

...Heartwarming! Also, I wanna get her a present to cheer her up on her last day. Any ideas?

Donna

A "sorry you lost your dream job" gift? That's a tough one. Stay away from wine! Wine is crying juice.

Well I mean you know her better than anybody. What does she really want more than anything in the world?

Ben

...A nice candle! I'm screwed.