Leslie Knope quotes from Parks and Recreation

Leslie

Tom, you're in charge of music.

Ben

Aww man. Well alright.

Leslie

Aww did you wanna DJ little puppy? I didn't know that little puppies could operate an ipod with their little puppy paws.

Donna

Ewww. And Booo. This kind of thing is getting out of hand with you two. Ya'll are an official warning.

Leslie

Wow! Are those Jens Trauder Colored Tabs!? I thought those were discontinued.

Allison

They were. I had to order them through some Mexican back channels.

Leslie

Juan Julio Officina Supplies!? I thought they went out of business!

Allison

They did but they opened up a new one in Oxaca.

Ben

...What is happening right now?

Ron

What brings you to the festering putrid stink hole on the armpit of freedom?

Allison

...

Leslie

That's what he calls City Hall.

Allison

Leslie was just telling me about your summer internship and I was thinking about taking it.

Ron

[laughing] Oh no no no no! No! I respect your father too much to let his daughter work for free for the government. Why don't you get a paying job for the summer?

Leslie

Why don't you shut your mustache!?

...

Leslie

Sorry.

Leslie

[in a squeaky helium voice] I know what you're doing Ron and I will defeat you! Mark my words!

Ron

Stop wasting helium. It is intended for welding and filling airships.

Leslie

So have you ever pulled a ceremonial chord before? There's a little trick to it. You wanna hold it not too tight, sort of like a firm handshake, and then move towards the ground in a rope-pulling motion.

Allison

So just...pull the rope.

Leslie

That's right!

Ron

Sorry children. Forget that this happened. Continue with your awkward, close quarters gyrating.

Leslie

And if this is the evening you decide to have sex use protection please!

Allison

Oh, let me introduce you to my boyfriend.

Leslie

[shocked] ...Greg Pikitis?

Greg

What up Knope!?

Leslie

Hello Gregory.

Allison

You guys know each other?

Leslie

You might say that.

Greg

Come on baby, let's get out of here.

Ron

It's that horrible kid who used to prank us all the time right?

Leslie

Offer's off the table. She's a terrible person with terrible judgement.

Leslie

PIKITIS!

Leslie

Stock up on Kleenex! Don't touch your face! Don't touch anything! People are dropping like flies! We already had to quarantine Larry.

Leslie, I don't feel good. Can I just work from home?

Leslie

The tent is your home now Larry. We already forwarded your mail.

Andy

I guess while you get your medicine I'll just stroll through the candy isles but won't get any.

Leslie

You can buy two candies.

Andy

TWO!? [runs off]

Can I help you?

Leslie

I have the flu. Super nauseated for a few days, lot of barfing, it's a total disaster. Plus I have a ton of work to do so I need the good stuff. The Mariah needs to sing tonight stuff.

Can someone get me one of those lunch stacks!? And stack em for me this time! Cheese on top or no one gets paid!

You got it Chip!

Ugh my dad is such an idiot.

...

Here you go Chip.

Oh look at that, the cheese is on top...of turkey! You dick! I want ham!

Sorry son they were out of ham.

Alright well maybe I should just let mom be manager then?

Pick em up skip.

Andy

[whispering to Leslie] Ewwww! This guy's the worst! I mean it sucks that they didn't have ham but you can't treat your dad like that!

Leslie

[whispering to Andy] I know, he's a monster! But we need him.

Your job's not that hard okay just anticipate my needs!

Anticipating Chip!

Leslie

How are we gonna convince this guy to reunite Land Ho?

Andy

Same way I got a perfect score on the SATs. Broken scantron machine.

Ben

So, what do we got so far? We need big ticket items.

April

I got the Red Hot Chili Peppers to send us a signed guitar.

Leslie

That's great April! How'd you do that!?

April

It's a long story but the short version is I'm currently catfishing Anthony Kiedis.

Dr. Saperstein

Alright let's see what's going down in baby town! There's your healthy baby!

Leslie

Oh wow.

Dr. Saperstein

Oh! And there's another one!

Ben

The baby has two bodies?

Leslie

Twins! Ben we're having twins!

Dr. Saperstein

No you're not. Cause look who's hiding over here.

Leslie

...Triplets!? Triplets!?

Dr. Saperstein

And here's a fourth! I'm so sorry it's a little fleck of cream cheese on the screen. Just triplets! Wow. You guys really dodged a bullet. Can you imagine raising four children at the same time? A nightmare!

Ben

Triplets...

Leslie

Triplets...

Leslie

I can't believe it! We knocked it out of the park on the first try! If we play this right, we can be parents to one-third of the Supreme Court!

Ben

This is insane.

Leslie

This is amazing! I always knew we were one in a million and now we got the proof!

Dr. Saperstein

Well actually one in 8,000. Triplets occur a lot more frequently then you imagine, especially at your age. Your body is prone to releasing multiple eggs. It's what we doctors like to call - and I don't mean to be insensitive - a "Going Out of Business Sale."