Leslie Knope quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ben

[to the camera] This is insane. Three kids?! I just multiplied all our future expenses by three, and you know what happened? The numbers got a lot higher. I think I heard the computer laugh at me. And Saperstein wants us to RELAX?!

Leslie

Are you ready to go, my gentle dove?

Ben

Oh, I will be there in two flaps of a butterfly's wing. And I love you.

Ben

[to the camera] We are so fucking screwed.

Leslie

Okay there's still plenty of ways to raise money for the concert right? Maybe we'll win the lottery. I mean hey you're looking at a woman who just hit triple cherries in her uterus.

Ben

We're screwed.

Ben

Raising three kids is going to cost three million dollars!

Leslie

Babe our kids will be geniuses, they'll get scholarships. Half of my tuition was paid for by the Indiana Scholarship for Pretty Blondes Who Like To Read...It's now called the Virginia Wolfe Prize. Different time.

April

Babe you don't have to hide from me. I don't care about the secret anymore okay? I just thought when we got married we would share everything but if you really can't tell me or whatever it's fine. I trust you.

Andy

It's just that it's a really big secret. And for once I wanted to keep my word.

Andy

But screw it. You're more important than anything. I'm gonna tell you. Cause it's super juicy! You ready?

April

Okay!

Leslie

Everybody if you could gather around!

Andy

[pushing April away] They're here! Don't try to get it out of me!

Ben

You're ready?

Leslie

Not at all. But that's never stopped us before.

Knopey my girl! What up!? I just farted.

Leslie

Oh Jeremy. I truly thought that I would never have to interact with you again.

I missed you too.

Ron

How's that zero dollar bid coming along? You know in my experience with capitalism, people normally expect money in exchange for their goods and land.

Leslie

In my experience with buttfaces, you are one!

Leslie

I didn't even get a chance to say my plan!

Your plan? You know who else had a plan?

Leslie

Please don't say Hitler-

Adolf Hitler!

Leslie

Ron! What did you do!?

Ron

I delivered a flawless presentation and secured tomorrow's vote.

Leslie

No, you got all sneaky and snuck around and snooked that vote away from me! And I know this because earlier, I sneaked and snooked around and Jammy was supposed to vote for me! The snooker has become the snorked!

Leslie

So this is where you want to eat lunch? In a steakhouse? Don't you have irritable bowel syndrome? God I hate that I know that.

Yeah it's murder on the old plumbing but Tammy only wants me to eat steak and whiskey. She has my stool analyzed just to keep me honest.

Leslie

I don't think this relationship is that healthy...I mean, it seems like Tammy is trying to turn you into Ron, and you're Jeremy Jamm! Come on! You love Porsches and spiked iced tea and you have a Hooters platinum card.

Yeah Tammy doesn't really let me do that stuff anymore but you know it's good you know!? I'm better now. I mean sure I'm depressed...and constantly sick...and nothing really brings me joy but it just feels right!

Oh God!

Leslie

Oh boy...

Oh help me Knope! I used to be so great! Remember everybody thought so!

Leslie

Well...

[Crying] Oh God! Oh God!

Leslie

Wow! This is worse than I thought! You're broken! She has broken you! You need to get away from her!

Oh God whoa hey! Look at that more hair came out!

Leslie

Okay we're gonna do some scenes and demonstrate ways that you can resist Tammy. I will play Tammy, Ron will play you. [Imitating Tammy's Voice] Hey there horsey, time to mount up and ride on in to boner town. What do you say we get stanky in that pet store bathroom huh Jamm? Hmm? Huh?

[whispering] Do it!

Ron

There will be no sex today Tammy. Instead why don't you go into the pet store and feed yourself to the snakes. To Hell with you woman! Goodbye!

Leslie

[Imitating Tammy's Voice] Hey you big hunk of wiener meat! I've got 40 hand towels, some energy bars and a Chinese finger trap. Let's get gross! [Starts humping Ron's shoulder]

Ron

This gambit has failed. To Hell with you woman! Goodbye!

Tammy Two

Hey Jer Bear! What are you doing with these two jabronies?

Tammy, I've given this a lot of thought, we should break up.

Tammy Two

Hahahahaha! What's the matter little boy? The bad people get to you?

They just made me realize how unhealthy this is. Literally. All the steak and whiskey, I have to wear a diaper.

Tammy Two

[In baby talk] That's cause you're my whittle baby!

Leslie

We drilled you on this Jamm. Baby talk, what do you do?

I'm not a baby, I'm a BIG BOY!

Leslie

Yeah okay, well that wasn't terrible...

It's over Tammy.

Tammy Two

Tell you what. It's been long enough. What do you say we consummate our relationship tonight!?

Tammy Two

Huh? Let's do it!

Ron

Oh ho ho and the last card is played!

Leslie

What are you doing!?

Shhh! This is a library!

Leslie

Do you see what's happening here!?!

Leslie

Ron, what are you doing?

Ron

I know I saw it. Aha!

Ron

Detonator...

Ron

The partially defused claymore mine you gave me ten years ago...

Ron

I'm gonna use it to blow a hole in this damn door, so I can get out of here!

Leslie

Ron, just...wait a second...

Ron

No. I'm being held as a prisoner against my will, and I have the right as a citizen of the United States to blow a hole in that fucking door and walk out as a free man! It's in the Constitution!

Leslie

There's no cursing in the Constitution. Look, before you do that...

Ron

Too late! Here we go! FIRE IN THE HOLE!

Leslie

Ooh!

Leslie

I gave you that as a gift on your fifth anniversary as Parks Director.

Ron

[slowly, voice cracking] You told me...this was a genuine, partially defused claymore mine.

Leslie

Well, it was! I bought the empty shell off of eBay, and then I filled it, you know, with balloons and confetti and such.

Ron

You mean to tell me I have had a toy...on my desk for ten years?

Leslie

You mean to tell me you thought you've had an actual land mine on your desk?