Leslie Knope quotes from Parks and Recreation

Deal guys. You must really want that park.

Leslie

I do yes. And to tell you the truth, I'd doing it all for my best friend. [talking about Ann]

That's all I wanted to hear. Leslie, you're my best friend too.

Leslie

...

Leslie

Are you sure you're okay with what you did?

Chris

Well it's not the most ethical thing that I've ever done...but on the flip-side, Jamm is a big, mean dope.

Leslie

Mmmhmmm

Chris

And I hope that this eases some of the pain of us moving away.

Leslie

Oh I am currently in deep denial that that's happening.

Leslie

Oh good you guys are here! Okay, everybody gather around, I have a big announcement. I'm officially seeking re-election to the Pawnee City Council. I am gonna be running for Dexhart's seat and the campaign starts now.

...

Leslie

Oh, I love the sound of silence before a big cheer. That's what's happening? Right?

Tom

Leslie, no offense, I've heard a lot of bad ideas today. This is the worst.

Leslie

April?

April

I would love it if you ran an insane campaign and basically turned into the Joker...but that means you probably shouldn't do it.

Leslie

Andy?

Andy

I don't know Leslie, it seems risky. And I'd hate to see you go through another tough fight. But I could be wrong, I haven't pooped in three days.

Leslie

Okay Ron, you have always given me sage counsel, and your words carry great influence so what do you think I should do?

Ron

I do not think that you should run again.

Leslie

What the Hell do you know dum-dum!?

Jennifer

Ben bought one hour of my time. I heard you need some consulting?

Leslie

Well uh...I guess. I mean how are you? How's your family?

Jennifer

Okay I get paid $1200 an hour. Do you really wanna spend any of that time talking about my mother and her 19-year-old Korean husband?

Leslie

...That does sound fascinating but you're right, let's talk.

Jennifer

Now you might win. You're smart, Ben is smart, you might win. But why would you want to?

Leslie

Because it's my dream job.

Jennifer

Then dream bigger. Look, you love this town. It’s being run by monsters and morons? Get a better job! Rise above their heads! Effect change at a higher level! Don't be the kid that graduates high school, then hangs out in the school parking lot. Be the woman who moves away, climbs the ladder, and confidently comes back and has sex with her hot old English teacher just for kicks.

Leslie

Is that what you did?

Jennifer

Yeah, Mr. Baker. Sex was pretty good, thanks to me. Look, Pawnee has done you a favor. You’ve outgrown them. You’ve got talent, you’ve got name recognition, which means that you have a bright, wide open future with a thousand options. State Senate. Federal jobs. Even Congress. All of these are doable for you. And you can trust me...because I don’t care enough about you to lie.

Jennifer

Uh oh. Oh time's up. Okay if you want to keep talking you're gonna have to pay me 1200 more dollars.

Leslie

Uh...I just need to...

Jennifer

I swear to God if you say one more word, you will legally owe me $1200 and I will sue you! Let's not end it like that! Okay. Great to see you Leslie. Those five words are on me. [Starts to move chair back] Should I move this back? Don't answer it!

Leslie

Okay Ron, enough's enough let's talk plans for Diane's baby shower.

Ron

Dear God woman!

Leslie

Three main activities: baby bingo, baby food tasting and my personal favorite, baby onesie decorating station. I wanna make mine look like an astronaut. What are you doin up there in space baby!? Ugh! So cute! Okay, I have some gift ideas. I was looking at a very adorable stroller.

Ron

We already have a stroller. [motions to the corner]

Leslie

Oh shoot really? I have to think of something else. [Leslie spots baby John in the corner and gasps] Oh my God, whose baby is that!?

Ron

That would be mine.

Leslie

Guys, get in here! Ron has a baby!

Andy

Oh, Ron. Cool baby.

Ron

Thank you Andrew. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to my son, John, middle name redacted, Swanson. John was born some time ago weighing multiple pounds and several ounces. Much like his father he is a fan of silence. Please keep your voices down.

Leslie

How am I supposed to keep my voice down when you had your baby, and you didn't tell me that you had your baby!

Ron

Why would you need to know something like that?

Leslie

[pacing frantically] Why would I!? Oh my God! I have not even sent Diane a gift! She's just walking around wondering why I haven't sent her a gift yet!

April

Should we do something?

Ron

Just let her tire herself out.

If you need anything from us Ron please just let us know.

Ron

Actually there is something. Could one of you please stop at the pet store and pick up some fish food for me?

Leslie

WHEN DID YOU GET A FISH!?

April

Hey one question: where are you gonna stand? In front of the graffiti that says "Pawnee You Suck" or "Go Home Eagleton Snobs"

Leslie

I painted over that graffiti a week ago! These people are the worst! I cannot announce a unity concert in front of a picture of a bald eagle giving the middle finger.

Andy

Yeah you probably want to stand to the side so people could see it.

Leslie

A few years ago Eagleton put up this wall along the border, now it is time to tear down this wall!

Leslie

In the name of unity I have given some former Eagletonians the first strike. Take it away guys!

Leslie

It's such a great day for... [A swarm of bees erupts from the hole] BEES! BEES! NOBODY PANIC!

Craig

[running away] OHHH NOOO!

AHHHH IT STUNG ME IN THE EYEBALL!

[filming the disaster] Haha oh man this is amazing man! The stupid Eagletonians are totally getting PWNED by these bees! Gonna send this straight to Tosh! [Gets stung] OW FUCK! FUCK!

Andy

[shielding April] Don't worry babe I'll protect you! I got stung once, I'm immune. Go ahead and sting me bees! It does nothing!

Leslie, it appears that most of the people who were stung were from Eagleton. How did you pull that off?

Leslie

I didn't pull anything off. The Eagletonians were simply closest to the wall. Plus one Pawneean was stung...in his mouth because he was laughing at the Eagletonians.

How did you get your bees into the wall and how long did it take to plan this hilarious bee prank on Eagleton?

Leslie

They were not my bees Todd and for the last time, this was not a prank! I did not know that bees were in that wall! I mean in fact you should treat this like a public service announcement. Everybody...should check their walls for bees!

Nice try prank queen, probably bees in there!

Leslie

Okay that's all the time I have. [Starts walking out]

What else can you do with your bees!?

Leslie what's your next prank!?

Leslie, Grant Larson is on the phone from the National Parks Service.

Leslie

I can't meet with him right now. We are in crisis mode okay! Larry, just tell him I need to reschedule because I am trying to fix my bee hole disaster!

Okey dokey.

Leslie

Wait no! Wait no Larry! Don't tell him that! ...Don't mention my bee hole.

Leslie

I am so incredibly sorry.

That's very kind of you Miss Knope.

Leslie

I hope you look a lot less gross very soon.

Hey thanks for coming Knope! I knew we were besties. What do you go there for me? Some dirty mags?

Leslie

No! These gift baskets are for innocent victims. Not for jerks who got stung because they were laughing at other people's pain!

Whatever. I got a lot of filth on my kindle anyway. We can just hang.

Welcome to Eagleton Now with Mike Patterson. We're live ambushing Leslie Knope who's in the middle of a crass publicity stunt shoving cameras into the faces of these poor, injured victims.

Leslie

These are your cameras. This is not a publicity stunt. I just came here by myself to apologize to all the Eagletonians who got stung.

Really!? Because all we see is you talking to your friend, known Eagleton hater, Jeremy Jamm.

Excuse me Mike, that's best friend.

Leslie

Pawneeans and Eagletonians need to find a way to come together and bury the hatchet. It doesn't matter who bailed out who or who seceded from who!

Awesome idea Leslie. Matter of fact, I say we should succeed from Eagleton! Whose dumb-ass idea was it for them to merge anyway!?

Leslie

Mine! It was my idea!

You heard it here first, self proclaimed dumb-ass Leslie Knope and Councilman Jeremy Jamm are spearheading a Pawnee secession movement. And I for one am sick of it.

Leslie

The point is, will you go to Prom with me?

Ben

Well I thought you'd never ask...because we're nearing forty. Of course I will.

Leslie

Yay! Prom!