[After being badgered by Simon to talk about her love life]
Okay, I might do silent humming like I do when something really awful is happening.
Okay... You also went out with, um-
[Penny lets out a high pitched hum]
This is a weird show, man...I've only ever seen it on T.V, and it's just not like this. It's not usually hectoring of day-time T.V presenters. She's humming to herself! Look, she's been around the block, she's knocked off a few dudes in her time!!
But we want to know, we want to know about Penny's love life, don't we?
No, I don't think we want to know...
Tell us about going out Paul McKenna, that's exciting.
Whoa! Did you go out with Paul McKenna!?!
[About Amy meeting with Pete Doherty] Don't go near him! Do something with Katie Melua. There you are.
I'd rather have cat-AIDS, thank you.
[To Amy] It's lovely to have you here. Part of the BBC's new remit: More Jews, less carbon emissions.
What about John Stapleton, what about him? He's a bit creepy though, isn't he?
Oh, will you stop it with your nonsense.
Has he ever tried anything on? "The time is seven o'clock. The place is: my lap."
You and Stapleton! "The time is nine pm...The place: my Travelodge. Come with me, Penny. Ride me! For I am Stapleton."
I bet Stapleton, after shagging all night, not a hair out of place.
I bet he does it with a shower cap on.
I don't know, it's my new thing.
Is it? I thought it was crack.
Do I look like Russell Brand?
[In unison with Simon] Yes.
This feels like a really dysfunctional Christmas day.
[About Ben Elton]
I don't think there's such thing as integrity or being a sell out, I just think he's a wanker.
Didn't you used to do a fashion column for the Daily Mail?
Funnily enough, I did. I've done many strange things in my time.
What does one wear to a lynching?
[Amy complains to Simon about what he said about the participants in the identity line-up]
Oh, they get paid and they know what's going to happen.
Oh god, you sound like a pimp! (In East End Voice) They gets paid their money, they know whats gonna happen. As you close the container lorry and set sail for western Europe.
This is not a football match. You come here, full of...crack...spitting all over things.
Let it die, please. Let it die.
The addiction I'd like to die...this isn't even a pop quiz anymore, it's an intervention, Amy.
Spitting...that would never happen on GMTV.
[Reading an intro] "They tried to make me go to rehab..."?
Is correct. In hindsight...I think maybe "yes", maybe...
[Reading an intro] "They told him don't you ever come around here..."?
Uh...because you're a registered sex offender.
[Reading an intro] "I've got something to put in you..."?
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These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
