With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus
With guests Lily Allen, Jamelia, Steve Strange, Mark Watson
“19x06” · Season 19
In this episode: Simon (10), Lily (5), Bill (4), Phill (1), Mark Lamarr (1)
[Introducing Lily Allen]
Lily was expelled from five schools. At 14, she ran away to go to Glastonbury and she pushed pills in Ibiza. Well, I stole my brother's Care Bear, but I don't go on about it. And he's still looking for it. You square!
[After Steve Strange has been rambling on]
I should explain... Steve is a recovering heroin addict.
[About Catherine Zeta-Jones]
LLily
The future's bright; her husband's orange.
[About Catherine Zeta-Jones]
So, what have we pixelated?
LLily
I think it's her morals.
[About Catherine Zeta-Jones]
SSteve
I think it's a mirror image of a disco ball.
You know...we pixelated it?
So we're starting a war with the So-Solid crew.
Simon, we can't take on da Crew!
Yeah we can, Bill. What about it? Why don't Bill and I come around and sleep with your wives? And Phill, he's loaded and ready to go! Lets go! I'm coming over with my sex men!
BBill
I have the ears of death!
And I have a penis! What have you got Phill?
I've got 300 pounds that you probably won't be able to get from underneath. So it's not a shag, it's more a fight for survival!
Javine was one of the most boring people I've ever interviewed. And I've interviewed Ronan Keating.
Do it again, Jamelia, do the sexy moves.
BBill
And I'll provide the eye candy.
JJamelia
I love Lily, I think she's wicked, but I did ask for an edited version of Lily's album for my daughter, and Lily said she hopes she's not paying for it.
LLily
No, I just said... [laughter] Not being funny, Jamelia, but I didn't make my album for your child.
[All go 'Ooohhhh...']
MMark
Call her a slag, call her a slag!
[All go 'Yeahhh...']
[Talking about the line up]
BBill
Number five is the proprietor of a remote guest house. "Yeeaass? There's room in the east wing. Eehaha! Would you like me to run you a bath? Breakfast is served between 7:00 and 7:03...ON MY BACK Eeeeahahahahaha!!"
[Reading in intro] "Love is like a butterfly..."?
BBill
You...put a pin through it's back.
[During the timed round "Next Lines']
LLily
Can we just move on to the ones I know, come on, please!
[Pauses] You know what you need?
LLily
No, Simon! Just move on, no!
Come with me...[He pulls her up] You need a hug. Yeah, yeah. I know - I know that - [She starts to pull away but he pulls her back] stay in it - I know you feel you have issues with intimacy. You feel that you're not loved. You have a hundred thousand friends on MySpace but are they really friends that you can touch, no, I'm touching you now. Okay? Everyone loves you here, you don't need points, you can just be you.
LLily
Okay.
[They sit. The time runs out]
Time up, I'm afraid.
LLily
No!!
Do you want another hug?
LLily
I would rather eat shit.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.