Simon quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Simon

You look like you haven't aged in 15 years.

That's what the TARDIS does to you.

Simon

...You sure it isn't the botox?

The marrowbone from goats, that's good as well, isn't it.

Simon

Have you...

Have I sucked marrowbone from a goat? No.

Phill

But I bet you could.

Simon

You cheated there, Bill Bailey!

I didn't cheat!

Simon

Not you, Barrowman!

Right.

Simon

Always about you, isn't it? "I'll be on Maria! I'll be in Torchwood, I'll be on any bloody show that'll have me! Even Buzzcocks". I saw you on Loose Women.

Yeah.

Simon

They're awful, aren't they?

Simon

You cheated!

Yeah, I cheated. And what of it? You ain't the boss of me. I ain't never gonna be your bitch!

Talk to the hand 'cause the wrist is pissed.

Simon

You've out-gayed me, Barrowman!

[Exaggerated accent] Let's have a gay-off! Ready? Lips pursed, hands on the table, and go!

Simon

...I haven't even told my mum yet.

Simon

[About a gorilla coat] I should say that that coat is not made out of gorilla.

Is it not?

Simon

It's made out of Desert Orchid.

Simon

Were you ever in the Sugababes?

I wasn't in the Sugababes, no.

Simon

My sister's going to be in the Sugababes for her gap year.

Simon

So, what have we pixelated?

I think it's her morals.

I think it's a mirror image of a disco ball.

Simon

You know...we pixelated it?

Simon

So we're starting a war with the So-Solid crew.

Phill

Simon, we can't take on da Crew!

Simon

Yeah we can, Bill. What about it? Why don't Bill and I come around and sleep with your wives? And Phill, he's loaded and ready to go! Lets go! I'm coming over with my sex men!

I have the ears of death!

Simon

And I have a penis! What have you got Phill?

Phill

I've got 300 pounds that you probably won't be able to get from underneath. So it's not a shag, it's more a fight for survival!

Simon

Do it again, Jamelia, do the sexy moves.

And I'll provide the eye candy.

Simon

[Reading in intro] "Love is like a butterfly..."?

You...put a pin through it's back.

Can we just move on to the ones I know, come on, please!

Simon

[Pauses] You know what you need?

No, Simon! Just move on, no!

Simon

Come with me...[He pulls her up] You need a hug. Yeah, yeah. I know - I know that - [She starts to pull away but he pulls her back] stay in it - I know you feel you have issues with intimacy. You feel that you're not loved. You have a hundred thousand friends on MySpace but are they really friends that you can touch, no, I'm touching you now. Okay? Everyone loves you here, you don't need points, you can just be you.

Okay.

Simon

Time up, I'm afraid.

No!!

Simon

Do you want another hug?

I would rather eat shit.

Phill

Danny, did they say "We're looking for celebrity Joneses"?

No.

Simon

Danny's surname is "from McFly".

Be nice to him.

Awwww, be nice to the baby-dangling freak....Sorry, sorry, it just slipped out.

Simon

He didn't mean it, did he? He loves that child. He just wanted the people to see! And if he drops it...so? The fans need something!