Simon quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Simon

David, you must have met Grace Jones. Or married her?

So far, Michael Jackson...should we keep going? I'm keeping count.

Simon

That's your type though, slightly unhinged gay icon, right? Have you met Grace Jones?

No.

Simon

Call yourself a starfucker?

Simon

I'm a big fan of Michael Jackson.

Not any more.

Simon

Why not?

'Cause you put him down.

Simon

No I didn't, it was that man over there.

Simon

I love Michael Jackson...and I hate babies, so...

I'm seeing someone but I'm still ready to go.

Simon

What do you mean?

She's a business woman.

Simon

Oh, I see, a prostitute! [Laughter]...Sometimes I'm so ashamed of what I say.

Simon

I'm not happy about it, Danny. When did the music of McFly become about cupping your testicles in front of whooping homosexuals?

Haven't you got another picture of me?

I've never played things like that before.

Simon

Instruments.

Simon

[lighting a Menorah] I'm just lighting candles for the baby Jesus.

Phill

[mocking] Your people killed him.

Phill

I don't mean your mum and dad, I mean, because that would be terrible and I would think they would have told you by now.

Simon

I have no regrets, he deserved it.

Bill Bailey

Merry Christmas everybody!

Simon

What are you saying Davies, the questions are too easy!?

Yes.

Simon

This show isn't so highbrow, but we like to say "Ohh, Robbie Williams is a tit!" That's what people like!

He's not a tit, he's quite nice.

Simon

Robbie Williams?

Yeah.

Simon

Oh, oh, you lose a point!

Simon

Was there ever any lewd behavior on Blue Peter?

Yeah, did it ever get blue?

Uh...well actually I tell you what, I ended up in a sauna once being whipped by the bus driver with some birch twigs...

Simon

I watched Blue Peter once when I was a kid, I think it was about morris dancing and making some...nonsense...

Oh yeah?

Simon

Turned me onto glue.

Phill

Can I just say, I saw a flash in the eye of number two...so let's watch what happens.

Simon

Do you just want to pick number two?

Phill

No. We picked number four...but I'm watching number two.

You'd appreciate this, number two's quite cute, isn't he?

Simon

Yes, I would because I...am a homosexual.

No but, you'd...they won't know but he's quite nice, isn't he?

What d'you mean we won't know? We don't have to, you know, go over into the paddock to ride the horses.

Simon

I should explain...Donny is a punk. Just in case anyone didn't know!

Ah, it's 'cause I'm not wearing the mohican...that you might not understand.

Right, it's more inside. It's a philosophy.

It's like, it's like a spike inside your gut.

Yeah, it's like a mohican on your pancreas, man!

D'you know what, just 'cause you haven't got the hair to pull it off, it doesn't mean that you can't be it.

No, man. I'm wearing my mohican, like, on the back of my head. Fuck everything! See? Fuck things! Fuck everything! See, pencils! See? [He picks one up and snaps it] Fuck it!

Simon

Down with Thatcher!

Simon

There's a DJ Spoony on Radio One..

There is...who's the last one on at night?

Phill

Westwood.

Go to bed with Westwood, wake up with Moyles!

Bill Bailey

Waking up with Moyles? Ugh!

Noel

He's no spoon, is he?

No.

Noel

He's a shovel!

Simon

Hello...Donny's put sunglasses on. That'll tell Thatcher!

D'you want a go?

And now what you need to do is give it a little bit of that. [Makes strange gesture]

Simon

: [Does the gesture] And now I'm cool...

You know you'd be quite happy at home on the streets

Yeah...

Though not that many people'd take pity on you...'cause you're pretty ugly.

Oooh!

Simon

[To Donny] I should explain: Bill is a professional comedian... [Pause as Simon tries to contain his amusement at Donny's stupidity] you won't win!