Simon quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Amy, is that hair yours, and is anything living in it?

Simon

That's not the GMTV way!

It would be if I had my way, I'd say that hair is fantastic!

Oh, yeah it's all mine...'cause I bought it.

Simon

Did you see Pennie smash up the instruments on GMTV?

I did, and I was in the studio when he did it...

Simon

You must have wanted to smash up the GMTV set though, a couple of times... or at least Fiona Phillips' patronizing witch-face.

Okay, I might do silent humming like I do when something really awful is happening.

Simon

Okay... You also went out with, um-

This is a weird show, man...I've only ever seen it on T.V, and it's just not like this. It's not usually hectoring of day-time T.V presenters. She's humming to herself! Look, she's been around the block, she's knocked off a few dudes in her time!!

Simon

But we want to know, we want to know about Penny's love life, don't we?

No, I don't think we want to know...

Simon

Tell us about going out Paul McKenna, that's exciting.

Whoa! Did you go out with Paul McKenna!?!

Simon

[About Amy meeting with Pete Doherty] Don't go near him! Do something with Katie Melua. There you are.

I'd rather have cat-AIDS, thank you.

Simon

What about John Stapleton, what about him? He's a bit creepy though, isn't he?

Oh, will you stop it with your nonsense.

Simon

Has he ever tried anything on? "The time is seven o'clock. The place is: my lap."

Simon

You and Stapleton! "The time is nine pm...The place: my Travelodge. Come with me, Penny. Ride me! For I am Stapleton."

Phill

I bet Stapleton, after shagging all night, not a hair out of place.

I bet he does it with a shower cap on.

Simon

What's the "push push"?

I don't know, it's my new thing.

Simon

Is it? I thought it was crack.

Do I look like Russell Brand?

Simon

Uh, yes.

[In unison with Simon] Yes.

Simon

Didn't you used to do a fashion column for the Daily Mail?

Funnily enough, I did. I've done many strange things in my time.

Simon

What does one wear to a lynching?

Simon

Oh, they get paid and they know what's going to happen.

Oh god, you sound like a pimp! (In East End Voice) They gets paid their money, they know whats gonna happen. As you close the container lorry and set sail for western Europe.

Simon

This is not a football match. You come here, full of...crack...spitting all over things.

Let it die, please. Let it die.

Simon

The addiction I'd like to die...this isn't even a pop quiz anymore, it's an intervention, Amy.

Spitting...that would never happen on GMTV.

Simon

Nothing happens on GMTV.

Simon

[Reading an intro] "They tried to make me go to rehab..."?

"I said no, no, no".

Simon

Is correct. In hindsight...I think maybe "yes", maybe...

Simon

[Reading an intro] "They told him don't you ever come around here..."?

Uh...because you're a registered sex offender.

Simon

[Reading an intro] "I've got something to put in you..."?

Thanks darling!

Ungodly? Is there anything specific about that?

Simon

I think it was just a lot of wiggling of vaginas...that sort of thing.

Hold on, hold on...does a vagina wiggle?! Not that I've ever seen one but; so please inform me.

Simon

Well, I'm not an expert...

Phill

There's nothing quite like the riveting T.V stylings of two homosexuals discussing fannies, is there?