Simon quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Simon

I read in your bumph that she found the perfect bass note to give a lady an orgasm.

Well, she says...but she won't tell us what it is! Which is selfish, I think. I think it's an F sharp, though! [Laughs hysterically]

Correct!!...Am I allowed to say that?

Simon

I suppose you just did! Let's hear how it should have sounded. [Plays the song] In the future, I would like to break the news...

Simon

"The Paris Hilton work was a low point for me. It wasn't what I wanted to be doing, and on top of that it caused me some real problems with my hair". [Puts book down. Audience laughs, but Preston looks angry] What? It's a good... Haven't you read it? I don't want to spoil the ending for you! [Audience laughs and applauds. Simon opens the book again] "The photo shoot was for the Daily Mail, which made me feel really posh and upmarket..."

[Getting up] Oh, you've done it now. See you later, I'm off. Sorry.

Simon

Oh no, Preston come on

No, seriously, I'm going home.

Simon

Preston, we're having fun!

I ain't.

Simon

Come on, Preston! Oh no, we can't lose Preston...

I guess he thought he's been voted out!

Simon

I mean, I only read his girlfriend's book.

Simon

I only read his wife's book...

What's wrong with that?

Simon

I can't believe that upset him...I mean...I don't know if he's read it. I've read the whole thing, it upset me.

Simon

What is your name?

Ed.

Simon

Hello, Preston.

Simon

What do you do in your real life?

Um, a well driller.

Simon

A well driller.

Drill bore holes.

Water wells or oil wells?

Neither.

Ah! What other kind of wells are there? Is it a lemonade well?

Simon

Fyfe, Fyfe, do you find it difficult to perform without office equipment?

Yes.

Simon

Do you want a hole punch?

Yes.

Simon

Hang on, sorry I didn't think that through...sorry, a silent hole punch. How about a desk tidy?

Nah, nah.

Simon

PostIt notes?

Right... [He storms off the set]

Simon

Oh, no.

Simon

Lucky I didn't get to the lever arch file!

Simon

Anne, what about this one?

Right, that's it!

Simon

No, no, no, no!

Simon

So yeah, so who, uh...not who...how many...not, not that either...uh...

Phill

You've fallen to bits since you lost Preston.

Simon

[Reading an intro] "Call me, call me anytime..."?

Phill

Your call may be recorded for staff training purposes.

It's not the best comedy prop, really, is it?

Simon

Oh, I dunno, it's got two good laughs.

It's still here...

Can I just ask...They get a serious question about politics, we get "Who pissed themselves?". "Who wee'd?", "Who weed, Bill. You simpleton from the woods. With your simple friends that you collected in a glade out in the woods"...They get, "Oh, who lobbied the government blah blah", a serious question for the proper people who've done charity and are all proper, but the monkey boys over here get "Who weed!". You snotty nosed, public school boy...

Simon

All right, what do you think we should do about nuclear waste?

I dunno, I don't care.

Simon

When I was younger, we didn't have to have drugs..

You had Ferrero Rocher didn't you?

[In a posh voice] Hey lads, take your snuff, let's stay up till nine. You should ride to the studio on a swan next week.

Simon

I bloody would if the asylum seekers hadn't eaten them all.

Simon

Bob Geldof, I understand, has lobbied the government about nuclear waste, Midge.

Has he? Sir Bob Geldof?

Simon

Sir Bib Geldof, yes. What do you think we should do about the environment, Midge?

Give me a bloody knighthood and I'll tell you!

Simon

I don't think it works that way round, Midge! The Magic Numbers [Points to Romeo] were not on Live 8, Band 20... What was it called?

Oh, the record?

Simon

Why was this?

I've got no idea!

Simon

You were there! Didn't you produce the song?

No I was the executive producer which meant that I let someone else do all the work and I took all the credit!

Simon

Didn't Bob take all the credit?

Bob is...Bob is like a death eater from Harry Potter. "It's mine!"