Simon quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Oh for fuck's sake...not very sharp are you?

Simon

Yeah, it was definitely their fault.

Simon

I don't understand. Did he suggest that you couldn't dick on the Sex Pistols? I think, I think you can dick on them.

Well, I've got a dick...I'm here...

Simon

He has got a dick and he's here...I think that's the best we can hope for tonight.

Simon

[to Philip] By the way, I watched that Hollyoaks: In the City last night, and it was incredible! Imagine Hollyoaks... but EVEN WORSE! You were the best actor in it though...

Thank you.

Simon

...which is almost a compliment.

Thank you again!

Simon

I watched it last night, and I thought "no problem, you're on the show" I'll watch it, half an hour, fine... LASTS AN HOUR! I'm sat there, I'll never get that time back again!

Simon

Have you got an answer?

Phill

You know what, I'm gonna take his answer. I don't know what it'll be, but none of us do!

I can't even remember the question.

Phill

Why did Prince end up in court over some purple paint? Your best guess, now!

....Because his helmet turned blue?

Phill

Because, Simon... his helmet turned blue. Bring in the points, bitch! In the bag.

Simon

His helmet turned blue. [turns to camera, deliberately] You're wrong.

The only reason I'm on the show is 'cause you told everyone you fancied me, dude!

Simon

It's not, it's 'cause we have difficulty booking people.

Simon

Donny just called me 'Anstis'. You know I'm not Toby Anstis, don't you?

I thought your name was Anstis?

Simon

Amstell... but you know it doesn't matter, I'll go with-

Amstell's a beer!

Simon

Yes!

I like beer.

Simon

And I like you...

Noel

Number five's not really been given a fair chance, has he? He's been given dungarees and a perm.

The international symbol of inbreeding.

Simon

How dare you!

My shades!

Simon

When he goes, you can have them back. Is that all right, do you want them back now? Are you gonna 'cause some sort of riot?!

Simon

"I am an Antichrist, I am an anarchist..."?

Phill

"I is -"

I am the walrus?

Simon

"I is I am the walrus," yes.

Simon

Donny is unhappy...

No, that's bullshit, they didn't win. You gave them easier questions 'cause they're retards.

Simon

Punks love points...

Yeah, "Smash the system but...can he have another point?". You're about as punk as Enya!

I love that you called him "Snoop Doggy Dogg"... It's Snoop Dogg.

Simon

Getting advice from the middle aged man in a hoodie...

The only person who'd call him Snoop Doggy Dogg is his mother and then only when he's in trouble..."Snoop Doggy Dogg! Clean these hoes out of your bedroom!"

Simon

So what connects the two?

Phill

What connects the two? What doesn't? Prosperous, black, rappers, drugs, firearms...

Simon

You're quite right, there are a lot of things that connects them. Really, the game should be called "What is written on my piece of paper?"

Simon

I've been listening to your album, it's very impressive.

Good, thank you.

Simon

All tracks written by Preston...except 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8-

I wrote them with my guitarist!

Simon

Sure, sure you did...9, 10, 11, 13 and 15! Sorry, I like it though.

Simon

We're gonna have fun tonight, Preston!

Oh, really? Let me know when it starts.

Simon

I feel reluctant to say anything about Britney because this show doesn't go out for a couple of weeks and her story in the tabloids changes so often...maybe we should cover ourselves. I can't believe that picture of her with that cake up her bottom!

Blimey, maybe we should do something about Britney and that rare...bird...egg...

Simon

Unbelievably, she's the new voice of Carphone Warehouse! She's got her life back together and is now recording a new album?! Just in case...