Simon quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Simon

That's what tonight is all about...having a wonderful time.

Yeah, let's not be negative.

Simon

I like everything...Do...D'you know everything? Well, I like it...You know all books? I like them all!

Simon

In 1995, Sade performed at Live Aid, and said that afterward, she didn't get to meet any of the stars...she just sat in the green room with Midge Ure.

Simon

Stay where you are, Midge!

Wanker.

Simon

Yeah...good point.

It's a youthful combo.

Youthful Combo..?

Simon

From Liverpool.

With a saxophone.

Phill

Called The Zutons.

Simon

How old are you, Nick?

Seventeen.

Simon

Seventeen, wow. You're really ruining my "I'm the young guy" thing here. Normally I get away with being the young person, being under thirty-five and able to name the Sugababes. Tonight I feel that Phill has seen what a real young person is and is going to stop loving me...I feel like Rudy from the Cosby show when she got old and grew a mustache.

Simon

I do not want you to worry about this, Nicholas Hoult. This does not affect anything in your life. We are just having fun.

I just want to go home...

Simon

Don't you move!

Phill

You see, this is the seat that Preston left, this is the seat that Lemmy left the show, admittedly at the re-takes... we should just call it the 'Ejector seat'

Simon

[Thoughtfully] We should maybe get some sort of seatbelt...

Simon

The Faders were a female Busted. Very good, I interviewed them, I enjoyed them very much. Didn't do too well, shame.

There's something about you and interviewing.

Simon

Meanwhile, Peaches Geldof...pretty big news...

They only way you could injure yourself with peanut butter is if you were wanking with it.

Phill

Yeah, but only if you use crunchy....

I've tried both and believe me, it happens with both.

Simon

What are you talking about, Robin Hood?

Phill

I actually like it with jam...peanut butter, not wanking.

Out in the forest we didn't have peanut butter so we used, like, rabbit skin...

Phill

Is this a more adult Robin Hood?

Robin of Hollyoaks...after dark.

Simon

"Where's Friar Tuck?", "He's screwing a tree."

Is it Northern?

Phill

ooh?

It is...Stone Roses, "Sally Cinnamon"

Ahh...

"Shes a Waterfall"!! Waterfall, Waterfall!

Simon

Jonas, I would have given you a point...but you were a bit smug about it.

I wasn't smug!

Simon

"I know it. It's Northern, The Stone Roses, with blah blah WRONG!"

[Singing] I wonder why...

I wonder why!

Simon

I will not stand for cheating!

That's it, isn't it?

Simon

I can not give you this point, Jonas.

Why not?!

Simon

Because you stole it!

You said I could have another go, so I did!

Simon

You had another go and then he, [points to Nick] he spoke with his mouth!

I swear to God, I didn't even look at him...

Simon

You are a liar and a thief.

Easy, Robin, leave it. Leave it...

Not so merry now, are you!?

I love Kate, but I'd love her job.

Simon

Hmmm.

Why don't you like her?

Simon

She doesn't appear to be human.

Phill

I sit here, Simon, week after week, being your quiz whore...

Simon

Yes.

There's no answer anymore...

Simon

To be honest-

What shall I do? What shall I do?

Simon

I'm very confused. There is no doubt about it that that [He looks at Rik sitting in Phill's place] is Rik Waller... Yet we have a line up of people...

Phill

When you say will he step forward, he can't 'cause he's not here. It's a conundrum, Simon.

Simon

Why didn't I spend more time at presenting school?! What are we going to do...quick, Sinitta, stand on a ball!!

Simon

How does you theme go?

It hasn't got lyrics...

Phill

"He's the bitch of Sherwood forest! He's gonna bust an arrow in yo' ass!"