Ducky Mallard quotes from NCIS

Ducky

Ah, nice timing, Jethro. I thought you'd like to see what we found in our scans. Or rather what we didn't find.

Palmer

[gleefully] His brain is missing!

Ducky

There's no need to get so excited, Mr. Palmer.

Ducky

Dwayne Wilson...

Gibbs

He's a baby agent.

Ducky

And I'm looking at his personnel report because...?

Gibbs

That's your thing!

Ducky

My thing? [pause] Ah, I take it that Agent Wilson is alive.

Gibbs

Oh yeah.

Ducky

So you don't want me to do an autopsy, which leaves my other thing. Psychological profile?

Ducky

Something wrong, Jethro?

Gibbs

Fingerprints found at a double homicide yesterday belong to a Petty Officer who's supposed to have been dead seventeen years. [hands Ducky a file] His death certificate.

Ducky

Oh, dear. [chuckles] Someone's in trouble. [looks at the certificate] I signed it?!

Abby

I like everything about Christmas. Except for that Chipmunk song. And shopping... I never know what to get anyone. Especially Gibbs! What do you get for the guy who has nothing and wants... nothing.

Ducky

Some squeaky shoes.

Abby

[startles, looking behind her] Hi, Gibbs!

Gibbs

The last thing she said was "You killed my brother". Any idea why she would've said that?

Ducky

Probably because I killed her brother.

Abby

Ducky!

Ducky

Abby? Oh, how nice of you to visit.

Abby

Oh, they gave you morphine?

Ducky

Just a drop.

Gibbs

Duck, can you tell me anything about the woman who attacked you?

Ducky

My... my glasses?

Ducky

Oh, how nice of you to have held on to them while I went under the knife. Ironic, isn't it, that one knife should be the solution to... Mr. Palmer, would you please finish that thought for me?

Palmer

Sure, doctor.

Ducky

And you'll need to send for a replacement medical examiner. Uh, Jordan...

Palmer

Dr. Hampton?

Ducky

Yes. On my desk you'll find her number. While I myself lie here, getting much "numb-er." [chuckles] Nurse, more anesthetic, and don't spare the horses...

Abby

Okay, he's zonked out of his gourd, and he's still playing with words. Impressive.

Gibbs

Yeah, well the last phrase she yells means "You killed my brother". Any idea why she would've said that?

Ducky

Perhaps because I killed her brother.

Ducky

A toast! Close friends and dear family all. A bountiful thanks and good things for Fall!

Abby

And to all a good night! [pause] Wrong holiday.

Ziva

Are you letting some blond bombshell baste your bird, Tony?

Tony

No, this bird's flying solo to a poker tournament at the Big Bend Indian Casino. They've got an all-you-can-eat crab buffet.

McGee

Pilgrims and Indians gambling together. That warms the heart.

Ziva

[to Ducky] What about your mother, Ducky?

Ducky

Mother is comfortable, thank you. Staff take good care of her. Oh dear, she barely recognizes me when I visit. Well then. That leaves me with a twenty-pound bird and enough trimmings to feed Cox's Army.

Palmer

This reminds me of my junior year abroad. I was staying with a family outside of Lyons who spoke only French, and my French was... okay at best. Now, whatever you may think of the people of France, the squirrels are extraordinarily friendly. So I had to explain to them my fear of squirrels. You see, in D.C. there are brown squirrels and black squirrels, and at a time, black squirrels carried rabies. So my mother used to bait traps with peanut butter, capture the squirrels and release them on the other side of the river. But I confused the word écureuil, which means "squirrel," with the much-less accurate requin, which means, uh... "shark."

Ducky

How they must have pictured your strange homeland with your shark-hunting mother.

Tony

I've heard the saying "he got blown out of his shoes", but I never thought I'd see it.

Ducky

Now if the explosion had knocked his socks off, that would be impressive, wouldn't it?

Tony

Oh no. My memory card's full. I have to delete some of my photos from Paris.

Ducky

If you have any of that pyramid outside the Louvre, delete them. That glass monstrosity is an offence to good taste.

Ducky

A mutual saving of a life is a powerful bond. [chuckles and points to Gibbs and Fornell] As evidenced by the two of you.

[to Gibbs] Oh, is that why we're friends?

Gibbs

It's more like shared misery.

God knows you've got enough to go around.

Gibbs

Hey! I'm a happy guy.

Since when?

Gibbs

You don't know what I've been doing. I haven't seen you in months.

Whose fault is that? You only call when you need something.

Gibbs

Well, apparently when I need grief.

Ducky

She also put some of Mother's silver in the dishwasher.

Gibbs

Really? [sarcastically]

Tony

McGee would know. Head shots are his specialty.

Ducky

What?

Palmer

He's referring to a videogame he's been playing way too much.

Ducky

Ah.

Tony

What's this surprising bit of editorializing coming from the once and future king of dorkland?

Palmer

Hey, I now have a girlfriend.

Tony

The king is dead. [gripping McGee's shoulder] Long live the king.