Ducky Mallard quotes from NCIS

Palmer

It wasn't sand sand, like good sand. It was bad sand. Very bad sand. It made me break out in red welts.

Ducky

It wasn't the sand, Mr. Palmer, but the sand mite.

Palmer

The sand might what?

Ducky

The sand mite bit you.

Palmer

Sand bites?

Ducky

Well, sand mites might bite.

Palmer

I'm grammatically lost.

Ducky

But medically found. The tiny crustacean known as the mite. M-i-t-e.

Abby

Well, wouldn't Susan know? She was there, right? Are you guys sure that we can trust her, because I am not.

Ducky

And why, may I ask, is that?

Tony

C'mon, Ducky. Everyone knows that Susan's taken a little shine to McGee.

Abby

That has nothing to do with it. McGee, he's a capable investigator, but when it comes to matters of the heart he can be a bit... naive.

Ziva

Are you... talking from experience?

Abby

That's classified. Just think about his last girlfriend. She tried to kill him!

Tony

Oh, I get it. You're trying to cover McGee like a protective hen.

Ducky

Or an overprotective panther.

Abby

[shrugs uncomfortably] Okay... If Susan can't tell you who lucky number eleven is, I can. Just keep her out of my hair.

Ducky

Did I ever tell you about the first case that Jethro and I worked? Two sailors capsized a recreational skiff one summer's eve; panic ensued. When they were finally located, one sailor was dead and the other severely hypothermic.

Abby

So the one sailor drowned?

Ducky

No. Rather than watch his friend slowly expire, one sailor stabbed the other, claiming that it was more humane. He was convinced that his actions were justified.

Abby

Like Gibbs twenty years ago. [Ducky nods] Ducky, what if this doesn't work? What's going to happen with Gibbs?

Ducky

In 1940 Winston Churchill sat in his bunker smoking one of those majestic cigars, waiting for news that the first German bombs were decimating London. "Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duty," he said over the radio, "and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth lasts for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest hour.'" The hour is upon us, Abby. All we can do is wait and see.

Abby

We communicate in the same way. I could tell the first time I saw all of this. Everyone else saw chaos, and I saw patterns right away; there was order to the chaos. I want you to know that whatever it is that you're trying to tell me, I promise you, I promise I'll understand.

Ducky

Careful. Sometimes they talk back.

Gibbs

[kisses Abby's cheek] Thank you, Abs.

He -- he just kissed her.

Ducky

Consider it an innocent gesture of endearment.

Ducky

These bruises and lascerations could be consistent with somebody hitting a target repeatedly.

Gibbs

The target was the wife, Duck. I wouldn't blame her if she did this.

Ducky

Nobody would. But that doesn't make it any less of a crime.

Palmer

That's one cold-blooded killer. He stops for a hot dog while getting rid of the evidence.

Ducky

It's not uncommon for killers to find themselves unusually hungry after the act.

Ducky

Cellular communication, text messaging, squeaking...

Palmer

Tweeting, Doctor. Like the little yellow canary and the puddy cat. I used to love that cartoon...

Ducky

'Cause he's no longer about method or clue-trail gamemenship, Mr. Palmer. It's about hurting those responsible for putting him in this situation.

Palmer

Situation?

Gibbs

Operation: Frankenstein.

Ducky

Mr. Palmer, what do you suppose the SecNav is saying to him? [referring to Director Vance]

Palmer

Well, if I were him I'd be asking how to get blood out of a $200 white dress shirt. See, it's all about oxygenating the stain. My mother used to use club soda, but my uncle preferred Perrier with a dash of -- the incision. They're probably talking about the incision.

Ducky

[referring to the ringing phone] That's the third time in an hour.

Palmer

I know. I am so sorry. It will not happen again, I promise.

Ducky

There's plenty of time to turn off each other's calls once you're married, Mr. Palmer. I'd advise you not to start before you've even exchanged wedding vows.

Palmer

How did you know it was Breena?

Ducky

You're a man in love. I've been there many times myself. Though not much lately.

Palmer

It's just all this wedding planning stuff has us on edge. She's having a hard time making decisions. I'm just trying to help, and everything I say seems wrong. What should I do?

Gibbs

[walks in] Just give her what she wants.

Palmer

I have no idea what that is.

Gibbs

Welcome to the rest of your life Jim-boy.

Tony

I think Gibbs and Borin make a great couple. Just think of all the fun they'd have giving each other head slaps.

Ziva

Head slaps are not very romantic Tony.

Tony

They can be. In the right context.

Tony

Ducky, what do you think? Gibbs and Borin, date mate material?

Ducky

Given their combined work ethics, they'd probably never see each other. Which could be a recipe for the world's shortest courtship or extreme longevity.

Tony

So nobody's with me on Team Bibbs?

Borin

[walks in] No.

Tony

We can change the name.

Borin

I should change the subject DiNozzo.

Tony

At least let him grill you a steak in his fireplace while watching black-and-white television. [Borin laughs] It's more charming than you think.

Borin

I'll pass.

McGee

The victim is a naval reservist. Lieutenant Jason Simms, 44, from Fairfax. Witnesses say he was swerving all over the road, clearly drunk, pulled off onto the shoulder over there.

Gibbs

Did you get a time?

McGee

A little over three hours ago.

Ducky

Tony? [holds man's wristwatch up so Tony can take a photograph] 4:19 to be precise. The truck tapped his wrist, apparently.

Ziva

Being drunk is one thing, but why would he have crossed the road?

Tony

Suppressing chicken joke in three, two --

Palmer

Perhaps it's time we took a little rest.

Ducky

We will rest when we are dead. Until then, consider John Paul Jones.

Palmer

The Led Zeppelin bassist?

Ducky

No, the naval hero of the American Revolution. He was almost forgotten when he was buried in Paris is 1792. Over a century later President Theodore Roosevelt went to great lengths to locate Jones, exhume his body, and bring him back to America.

Palmer

Home.

Ducky

Precisely. We take great solace in knowing where our heroes are buried.

Tony

[looking at a heart] It's hard to believe they're so small sometimes.

Ducky

What's on your mind, Tony? You sound a little pensive.

Tony

I'm not pensive! What is it with everyone and that word? [realizes he's shouting] Sorry. I was --

Ducky

Would you like to talk about it?

Tony

You ever have something terrible happen to you and you think you've put it all behind you, but then the terrible comes back and it's more terrible than it was before?

Ducky

I'm confused.

Tony

So am I.

Ducky

Tony, it was very clear to me from the very first day I met you that you were a man in pain.

Tony

[scoffs] I'm sorry, I think you have me confused with someone else.

Ducky

No, your pain is as clear to me as Jethro's. He lost Shannon, the one love of his life, and you lost faith in yourself for so many reasons. Jethro coped with his pain by repeatedly marrying the wrong woman, thus ensuring that ultimately he would be alone and safe from heartbreak. You repeatedly chased the wrong woman. You're alone because you never did as you just said: put it all behind you.