Ducky Mallard quotes from NCIS

Ducky

Poison has been the weapon of choice for women for centuries, except they tend to hide it in food rather than drink.

Gibbs

That would explain why my last ex-wife spent so much time in the kitchen.

Roy

Table's cold.

Ducky

None of my other patients ever complained.

Roy

Sorry, thought it might be nice for you to have someone to talk to for a change.

Ducky

Oh, I always talk to my guests. The difference here is, you talk back.

Ducky

[...] Humerus

Palmer

I suppose it depends on what you find funny. [Ducky holds up the humerus] Oh.

Gibbs

Any tattoos Ducky?

Ducky

Ahh, a direct query, demanding a direct response, which in this case is a direct no.

Ducky

From what I hear, Timothy, in your next novel, L.J. Tibbs has a love interest. Yes. I hear that it's an Army...

McGee

Ducky, I don't think we need to talk about that.

Gibbs

Army what? McGee?

McGee

[reluctantly] Lieutenant... Colonel. Lieutenant colonel.

Ducky

Hey! I win the pool!

Tony

Wait a minute. How did you figure that?

Ducky

I predicted Gibbs would last four days as Director before reverting to working a case.

Tony

So, uh, Director, does that mean you're...

Gibbs

I'm heading the investigation. [Ducky walks past them] Hey, Duck! You win the pool.

Ducky

Yes! Thank you Jethro! [McGee stares at him]

Gibbs

And I didn't do anything wrong, McGee.

Ducky

Unless you're a spy.

Ziva

Why're you looking at me?!

Ducky

I'm trying to lighten the atmosphere with a little humor.

Abby

Tony! I knew you'd be alright, I knew it! Everybody else gave you up for dead, even Ziva!

Ziva

OK, so I may have acted a little... hastily.

Tony

That's my letter opener!

Ziva

Excellent balance and weight. The edge is a little dull, but I have always admired it.

Tony

(checks his desk) Where's my American Pie coffee mug?

Abby

Palmer.

Tony

Mighty Mouse stapler?

Abby

Ducky. (looks over his shoulder) Hey, Ducky!

Ducky

My dear fellow... I never believed it for a moment!

Ducky

The adult human brain weighs approximately three pounds.

Palmer

Feels like a soggy grape fruit.

Uh, Doctor? Is this natural?

Ducky

[cups his hands and catches the liquid] Certainly not.

What the hell is that?

Ducky

[in horror] This, my dear lieutenant... is murder.

Ducky

You were right, Ziva. There is someone on board.

Ziva

Not him. There's someone alive. I can feel it.

Tony

A lion-headed dragon goat?

Ziva

Maybe.

McGee

Or maybe it's another one of his victims and he's confessing.

Gibbs

Or maybe it's his lunch.

Ducky

Only if he was a cannibal, Jethro.

Ducky

I wasn't talking to you. And you may want to cover your eyes. (to Gibbs) What's here is not human... it's canine.

Tony

We've gotta figure out what he was doing here.

Ziva

And with whom he was doing it.

Tony

Doing what with?

Ziva

Whatever it was he was doing when he was undone.

Tony

[confused look] Done... what?

Ziva

Done!

Ducky

In, my dear fellow. Done in. Don't you understand the Queen's English?

Tony

Not this queen.

Ducky

Mr. Palmer, tell Gibbs he can send in the B-team.

Gibbs

Implies there's an A-team, Duck.

Ducky

Isn't there?

Gibbs

[About the victim] Sleeping?

Ducky

Well there are other reasons why men take their clothes off to go to bed, Jethro.

Gibbs

Any evidence of that?

Palmer

Well he did come to a sticky end. [Awkward silence.] I'll go get the gurney.

Ducky

Haven't you ever heard of a night at the opera?

Tony

Sure, the Marx Brothers at their most hilarious. Groucho as Otis B. Driftwood. I love the part where they rip up the contract.

Ducky

[imitating Groucho Marx] "That's no good-a for you, it's no good-a for me!"