Mystery Science Theater 3000 · Season 8
[Dan is trying to find out if the stones he found are diamonds]
Diamonds are supposed to cut glass.
Yeah, they're supposed to, but they're too damn lazy!
[walks toward window]
Too bad all their windows are made of plastic wrap and duct tape!
[Dan scratches a crude "$" into the window]
...Aryan...Nation...rules...
[excited] Will you look at that!?
[excited] I made a [sic] "R"!
[A visibly shaken Dan stumbles back into the kitchen after discovering a mutilated corpse in the backyard.]
You look like you could use a drink.
And a shower, and a job.
I found another body...
Well, good, 'cause yours is gettin' kinda gross.
[As yet another unappealing rural Wisconsinite is harrassed by a giant spider.]
I'm starting to wish that the South would rise again and crush the North.
[Ev opens a dresser drawer and an assortment of puppet spiders pop their legs out of the drawer.]
We're your dirty socks! Wash us!
Giant Puppet Invasion!
[Drs. Vance and Langer climb a hill, only to discover the giant spider, its spindly, furry legs akimbo.]
Please -- consider my legs when cleaning your pipe!
[A restless mob begins to form with the intent of taking out the giant spider.]
Free Bobby Seale!
Free Mumia!
Free beer!
[After interminable redneck hijinks, the film cuts to astronomer Dr. Jenny Langer in a laboratory.]
A showered person... thank God!
I'd like to say a few words. Uh, this guy's dead, the end.
[as more townspeople fall victim to the giant spiders] And yet, Bill Rebane escapes unharmed.
[as the film credits roll] You know, when Barbara Hale won her Oscar, she gave a very touching speech where she said- to effect- "VAAAAANCE!!".
[urging Bobo to fight back against the alien pods] You're the only one who can do it; you're a magnificant mountain gorilla. You are Bobo- son of Koko!
Yes- yes! And heir to the great lineage of Godo, Mogo and Chim-Chim! [springs into action with an invigorated roar]
I saved you and the whole galaxy! Aren't you proud?
You mean they watched the movie, and I didn't get to watch them watching the movie? Bobo, get rid of my [pod clone] body. Brain guy, send them the movie - again.
MOVIE SIGN! AGAIN!
[Mike addresses Gypsy- who appears to have been replaced by one of the alien "zucchini/throw pillow" pods]
Hey, Gypsy; what happened to the zucchini throw pillows?
[monotone] I have put them in a safe place; and now ypu should sleep. I have prepared warm milk to help you.
But I'm not tired.
All sentinent beings- however inferior- require sleep.
Gypsy, are you okay?
Of course I am, Mitchell Nelson.
[Voices are heard whispering and muttering.]
Mike, I think the voices in my head are a little louder than usual.
[The title card reads 'parts: the clonus horror']
Apparently e. e. cummings wrote it.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
