[As Michael Landon's name appears in the opening credits]
[singing to the Bonanza theme] We got a film, and it's starring Michael Landon...
S8I Was a Teenage Werewolf
[A crowd of "teens" watch the fight]
And the 35-year-old high school students look on.
[Tony, played by Michael Landon, has just punched someone. His friends look on in shock]
MAMike [as Tony]
But I thought I had a right to pick a little fight, Bonanza.
[Tony takes Arlene home in his sweet ride of a 1950s convertible.]
CCrow
If I were a bug, I'd be proud to smash into that grill. Yep.
[Leaving the party, first victim Frank walks home through the woods.]
MAMike [as Frank]
[muttering] "I'm okay. I don't need a ride." What was I thinking? It's like 47 miles!
CACrow [as Frank]
I'm probably pretty tasty and well-marbled--not something I've often thought of.
. . .
I was a Teenage Werewolf Snack.
[Tony has finished yelling at Arlene for asking an innocent question]
MAMike [as Arlene]
...and I like you because...?
TTony
I'm sorry, Arlene. I don't know why I act like this.
CACrow [as Arlene]
Because you're a jerk?
CCrow
Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a high school!
[The werewolf approaches a high school gymnast as she practices.]
CCrow
Time for your compulsory Being-Eaten routine!
. . .
[The dark-haired gymnast screams in terror.]
CCrow
Judy Garland runs out of pills.
[The werewolf prowls the woods during an amazingly bright night.]
Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob.
I thought the night belonged to love.
Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob.
S8The Giant Spider Invasion
[First lines of the movie]
MMan
Sheriff!
SPSheriff [Played by Alan Hale, Jr.]
Hey, little buddy!
[Mike and the 'bots cheer]
[Dan walks out of his "lady friend" Olga's house before she stops him.]
OOlga
Wait, you forgot your back brace.
[Mike and the 'bots all react with utter revulsion as Kester drops his pants, exposing red long underwear.]
Ugh, he's pink!
I don't know how, but I think I just became sterile!
CCrow
[cheering] Go spiders! Go spiders! Go go spiders!
[Ev and Dan struggle in the wind from a meteorite strike on their land.]
SAServo [as Dan]
Why, I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard, and the rusted chassis of our '68 Impala!
. . .
DDan
What the [expletive deleted] hell was that?
MAMike [as Dan]
Why, it's befuddlin' mah dumb cracker mind!
SMServo, Mike, or Crow[As various people in the mob]
Packers!
[After seeing Dan's car, with its Ford lettering facing the camera.]
CCrow
Like a Rock! [N]
[The scene opens in Ev and Dan's pitch-black kitchen at night.]
Actually filmed inside the thumbhole of a bowling ball.
. . .
[Later in that scene, Dan begins chasing sister-in-law Terri around the kitchen table after threatening to spank her.]
And the movie ramps up the revulsion!
CCrow
This movie hates us, doesn't it?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.