[First lines of the movie]
MMan
Sheriff!
SPSheriff [Played by Alan Hale, Jr.]
Hey, little buddy!
[Mike and the 'bots cheer]
“The Giant Spider Invasion” · Season 8
In this episode: Mike Nelson (12), Tom Servo (10), Crow T. Robot (9), Dan (3), Bobo (2), Gypsy (1), Pearl Forrester (1), Sheriff (1)
[Dan walks out of his "lady friend" Olga's house before she stops him.]
OOlga
Wait, you forgot your back brace.
[Mike and the 'bots all react with utter revulsion as Kester drops his pants, exposing red long underwear.]
Ugh, he's pink!
I don't know how, but I think I just became sterile!
CCrow
[cheering] Go spiders! Go spiders! Go go spiders!
[Ev and Dan struggle in the wind from a meteorite strike on their land.]
SAServo [as Dan]
Why, I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard, and the rusted chassis of our '68 Impala!
. . .
DDan
What the [expletive deleted] hell was that?
MAMike [as Dan]
Why, it's befuddlin' mah dumb cracker mind!
SMServo, Mike, or Crow[As various people in the mob]
Packers!
[After seeing Dan's car, with its Ford lettering facing the camera.]
CCrow
Like a Rock! [N]
[The scene opens in Ev and Dan's pitch-black kitchen at night.]
Actually filmed inside the thumbhole of a bowling ball.
. . .
[Later in that scene, Dan begins chasing sister-in-law Terri around the kitchen table after threatening to spank her.]
And the movie ramps up the revulsion!
CCrow
This movie hates us, doesn't it?
[Dan is trying to find out if the stones he found are diamonds]
EEv
Diamonds are supposed to cut glass.
CCrow
Yeah, they're supposed to, but they're too damn lazy!
DDan
[walks toward window]
Too bad all their windows are made of plastic wrap and duct tape!
[Dan scratches a crude "$" into the window]
CACrow [as Dan]
...Aryan...Nation...rules...
DDan
[excited] Will you look at that!?
MAMike [as Dan]
[excited] I made a [sic] "R"!
[A visibly shaken Dan stumbles back into the kitchen after discovering a mutilated corpse in the backyard.]
EEv
You look like you could use a drink.
SAServo [as Ev]
And a shower, and a job.
DDan
I found another body...
MAMike [as Ev]
Well, good, 'cause yours is gettin' kinda gross.
[As yet another unappealing rural Wisconsinite is harrassed by a giant spider.]
I'm starting to wish that the South would rise again and crush the North.
[Ev opens a dresser drawer and an assortment of puppet spiders pop their legs out of the drawer.]
MAMike [as Spiders]
We're your dirty socks! Wash us!
CCrow
Giant Puppet Invasion!
[Drs. Vance and Langer climb a hill, only to discover the giant spider, its spindly, furry legs akimbo.]
SAServo [as Spider]
Please -- consider my legs when cleaning your pipe!
[A restless mob begins to form with the intent of taking out the giant spider.]
CACrow [as a mob member]
Free Bobby Seale!
SAServo [as a mob member]
Free Mumia!
MAMike [as a mob member]
Free beer!
[After interminable redneck hijinks, the film cuts to astronomer Dr. Jenny Langer in a laboratory.]
CCrow
A showered person... thank God!
CCrow
I'd like to say a few words. Uh, this guy's dead, the end.
[as more townspeople fall victim to the giant spiders] And yet, Bill Rebane escapes unharmed.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.