[The rather effeminate-looking General Ford explains to the media that the mantis is real]
GFGeneral Ford
I want to say at the outset that, contrary to rumor and certain newspaper headlines...
CACrow [as Ford]
I'm not gay!
S8The Deadly Mantis
CACrow [as Col. Parkman]
But I've got a mantis in my pantis.
Are we in the Southern portion of the Galaxy?
CCrow
[after Mike had accidentally caused the destruction of the future ape-ruled Earth] I felt a disturbance; as if millions of monkeys suddenly cried out and then were silenced.
[mournfully] Yes; the Earth has been destroyed.
[as Movie Sign blares] No, even worse than that; we've got Movie Sign!
[as Dr. Jackson gets a phone call]
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
This is Dr. Jackson. ... General Ford?
CACrow [as Dr. Jackson]
General Tennessee Ernie Ford?
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
... Yes.
SAServo [as Dr. Jackson]
Well, try lancing it.
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
I see, General. Of course sir, I'll be right over.
MAMike [as Dr. Jackson]
General wants another foot massage.
MBMarge Blaine
Everything alright?
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
Of course.
SAServo [as Dr. Jackson]
They just demoted me to the gift shop.
MBMarge Blaine
Well, it isn't every day the Pentagon calls you.
CACrow [as Dr. Jackson]
It is so!
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
Very nosey.
MBMarge Blaine
Okay, be mysterious.
MAMike [as Marge]
I'll just hang up your coat, and hate you.
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
Well, if I tell you, you'll keep it a secret?
MBMarge Blaine
Hope to die.
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
They found an old bone up at the north pole.
CCrow
[as Marge says nothing] Mrs. Bert Lahr.
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
The Pentagon wants to know to whom it belongs. [leaves]
SAServo [as Dr. Jackson]
Oh, and we've been invaded by Spain, and mermaids are real. Bye!
S8The Thing That Couldn't Die
[The movie opens with the title: The Thing That Couldn't Die.]
The Strom Thurmond Story!
Couldn't die or wouldn't die?
CCrow
Shouldn't?
[Jessica demonstrates her dowsing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.]
JJessica
You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest.
A trade rat?
JJessica
Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin.
SAServo [as Jessica]
…in Maine.
You know, the country needs skilled trade rats.
[Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.]
MAMike [as Linda]
The rats put in a new crystal!
It still runs.
SAServo [as John Cameron Swayze]
John Cameron Trade-Rat.
[Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.]
GGordon
Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest.
MAMike [as Gordon]
He had a little tool and die shop down there.
SAServo [as Gordon]
I think I got most of the rat droppings off it.
[Flavia hears a noise outside the window.]
FFlavia
What's that?
CCrow
Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift.
[Boyd the ranch hand slouches around.]
CCrow
[singing] There's a thick yellow stain on my back brace!
[The final shot of the movie, a zoom in on Jessica's necklace and cleavage, fills the screen.]
CCrow
The whole movie was leading up to this shot.
MAMike [as Announcer]
Brought to you by the Breast Council.
SAServo [as Announcer]
Buy breasts where you work or bank!
[The black and white Universal logo appears]
In weather today, the oceans turned black!
S8The Undead
[A fire is being used as a background for the opening credits.]
CCrow
Fire in the projection room! Guess we can't watch the movie!
[Crow darts toward the exit but is restrained by Mike.]
[The movie opens with a flamboyant Satan speaking to the viewers.]
Satan, the Prince of Cabaret.
. . .
This guy was never in heaven, he was cast out of community theater!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.