[A fire is being used as a background for the opening credits.]
CCrow
Fire in the projection room! Guess we can't watch the movie!
[Crow darts toward the exit but is restrained by Mike.]
“The Undead” · Season 8
In this episode: Tom Servo (7), Mike Nelson (7), Crow T. Robot (4)
[The movie opens with a flamboyant Satan speaking to the viewers.]
Satan, the Prince of Cabaret.
. . .
This guy was never in heaven, he was cast out of community theater!
[Quintus is hypnotizing Diana. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.]
QQuintus
We breathe as one. We are one.
SAServo [as Franklin]
You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
QQuintus
When I touch you…
CACrow [as Quintus]
I think about myself. No, no, no, wait.
QQuintus
…we will be one.
SAServo [as Quintus]
We'll be me, for convenience' sake.
[As Smolkin the gravedigger slouches around.]
Smolkin's naked sometimes, Mike.
[cringing] Ohh. Damn you, Servo!
[A knight demands to look inside a coffin in a coach being pulled by a gravedigger.]
SAServo [as Knight]
Towest thy vehicle to the curb and showeth me thy driver's license and registration. Did thou knowest how fast thou was driving?
[Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.]
SSatan
Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road…
CACrow [as Satan]
Route 666!
SSatan
…that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind.
MAMike [as Satan]
…to sleeping audience.
. . .
SSatan
Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may.
[singing to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy!
[Quintus sets upon and subdues an unprepared knight.]
MAMike [as Knight]
[in stilted "medieval" grammar that parodies the knight's own dialogue] Me help! Attacked I am being! Hitting me stop you must! God dear! Bleeding am I! Break my leg think I did you!
I've never known more about what isn't going on in a movie.
QQuintus
STAAY!!
[The opening credits list Roger Corman as the film's director.]
That's it, we're doomed.
[Smolkin grabs a clearly modern shovel.]
Apparently there were Hardware Hanks during the middle ages.
MAMike [as Ray Szmanda]
Gettest thou a cemetery full of savings at Menards!
[a knight confronts Smolkin]
KKnight
Do you jest with me, gravedigger?
SSmolkin
Again, I cannot say- I am mad; and therefore cannot tell a jest from a joust.
[of Smolkin] Digs graves and plays with your mind!
CCrow
[as Smolkin] And would thoust get me a Mad Magazine?
[as Smolkin] I have to watch Mad About You tonight!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.