RMr. Romaine
I read in the morning paper that the police department have assigned a special detail to clear up this silly dirty picture business. As a taxpayer, I demand... [begins hitting his palm with his fist]
RMr. Romaine
Put those men on important crimes like robberies and murders, and those gangs of young hoodlums that roam the street. Things that'll protect an honest citizen like myself. Spending all that money on such silly things, as a few girly pictures that never hurt anyone.
LCLt. Carson
"Never hurt anyone?!" For your information, Mr. Taxpayer, the dirty picture racket can be directly connected to a good percentage of the major crimes in this city!
MAMike [as Carson]
Well, very indirectly.
LCLt. Carson
It would take a psychiatrist to explain it to you, but I can tell you that we've got three murders on our hands. Three young girls who posed for such pictures! Found in the park. Tortured! Mutilated! Murdered! Here! [shows pictures]
MAMike [as Carson]
Uh, here's murdered, here's tortured, where's mutilated? There it is...
LCLt. Carson
Some characters will steal or kill just to get their hands on this stuff. It's worse than dope for them! Mr. Taxpayer, the smut picture racket is worse than kidnapping, or dope peddling...
LCLt. Carson
... Show me a crime, and I can show you a picture that could have caused it. Have I made myself clear?
MAMike [as Romaine]
It's a vague connection, I admit, but...
LCLt. Carson
Do you have a daughter, Mr. Romaine?
CACrow [as Carson]
Would she be interested in the smut picture racket?
[Romaine slowly gets up and walks silently to the door]
SAServo [as Romaine]
Uhhhhh...
MAMike [as Carson]
Would you like to choose a different category, sir?
SAServo [as Romaine]
Hmmmmm.... daughter...uh, daughter... is a daughter the thing with the wheel and- oh forget it, I'm thinking of a bike. Let me call my wife. Daughter, you say? Daughter... huh...
RMr. Romaine
Yes... I have two daughters... [leaves looking incredibly somber]
CACrow [as Romaine]
And a puppy.
At least I think they're daughters. Hope I'm thinking of the right thing- let me get back to you on that.
[as Gloria and Johnny talk about the ramifications of the recent police raid on her smut picture business, and their plans moving forward]
I'm learning a lot about porn!
[Teacher Mr. Carter is discussing "Hamlet"]
CMr. Carter
At this point, Hamlet picks up the skull of Yorick and delivers a famous speech. Now, to whom was this speech delivered?
CACrow [as student]
Uh, Richard Dawson.
MAMike [as student]
Fred Sanford?
SAServo [as student]
Uh, Larry Hovis.
[Mr. Carter notices Vince flirting with Betty]
CMr. Carter
Vince, would you mind answering the question, please?
MAMike [as Vince]
Look at your mouth, you got such a funny little...
CACrow [as Vince]
Uh, nipples.
I'm more held by the question of Hamlet's madness, sir.
I'm sorry, Mr. Carter. Would you repeat the question, please?
CMr. Carter
To whom was Hamlet's favorite graveside speech delivered?
I don't know, man. I didn't catch the name and address on the envelope. [the class laughs]
CACrow [as Mr. Carter]
Mr. Malph, please.
[Mr. Carter is talking to Marv after class.]'
CMr. Carter
Have you given any more thought to college? The term's gonna be over in a week, you know.
SAServo [as Mr. Carter]
You're 28. You should graduate.
[Cash-strapped Marv and his father are both getting ready for their dates.]
You know, maybe if they sold off one of those Tiffany lamps, then...
GMr. Grant
Oh, by the way, I think I'm gonna have a job next week.
GMr. Grant
Yup. I met a guy today who's sure he can put me on full time.
MAMike [as Mr. Grant]
Yup. I'm going to sell my plasma door to door.
[Marv and Betty are on their date, walking the street.]
CACrow [as Betty]
So, are we going to walk the alleys all night?
MMarv
I'm sorry, Betty, honest.
Oh, that's okay. At least it was a good movie.
SAServo [as Betty]
I've never walked to a drive-in before.
Marv It's just that I, well, I had to give some money to Pop--
Oh, just forget it. I'm having a lovely time.
MAMike [as Marv]
Can I sniff your bra?
MMarv
I've got almost a dollar left. Would you like to have a Coke?
CACrow [as Betty]
Thanks a lot, Adnan Khashoggi.
[Cut to a diner.]
Tonight only: Cokes, a dollar ten.
[Vince confronts Betty, who just got Marv to write her term paper.]
CACrow [as Betty]
Will you write a paper for me?
What's with you? [brief pause]
SAServo [as Vince]
Come on, I can't hold this face much longer!
Oh, you can't be serious.
Look, you were with him. You went out with him instead of me!
CACrow [as Betty]
He had three dollars!
But, honey, I just wanted him to write my term paper.
MAMike [as Vince]
Would he write mine if I kissed him?
. . .
MAMike [as Betty]
Now would you write my shop project?
[As the film ends, almost everyone has been shot dead or just arrested.]
CACrow [as Cop]
Should we just leave the dead guys there?
MAMike [as Cop]
Eh, the crows'll get 'em.
This is the PTA reminding you to always do your homework.
You know, in light of this, cheating on the paper wasn't that big a deal.
[The cast list scrolls by.]
SAServo [as a TV announcer]
Coming up next on Nick at Nite, one of the original black and white I Dream Of Jeannie episodes, then F Troop, next on Nick At Nite.
Filmed before a live audience.
MAMike [as Eva Gabor]
This has been a Filmways presentation, dahling.
[The antiheroes make some purchases at a seedy-looking mom-and-pop store while some inappropriately cheerful music plays on the soundtrack.]
MAMike [as Store Clerk]
Would you like a video? We have some super-violent, Asian, triple-X cartoons!
[as store clerk while the trio leaves] Thanks for not killing me; right neighborly of ya!
[Griffin is finally gunned down and dies]
And when Curly dies, he feeds other Curlys in the wild.
[a police officer looks over Griffin and muses to himself]
OOfficer
[Griffin] ran all the way to Hell, with a penny and a broken cigarette.
Which is really all you need in Hell, so it works out great.
