Mystery Science Theater 3000 · Season 4
[The Master has just awoken his wives, now chattering in a circle as he looks on, annoyed.]
What was I thinking?
Women who lunch.
And the Manos who love them -- next Donahue.
. . .
You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos, but made for a Womanos.
...and now, back to We Married Manos!
[The wives, clad in white, diaphanous robes, are fighting each other.]
Well, the talks broke down at this point.
Looks like the Russian Parliament.
Next on ESPN, full contact nightgown wrestling!
Designing Women, the lost episodes.
And now, the Manos Women's Guild will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor.
You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches.
I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants!
. . .
You know, this isn't Lysistrata. I like it, but it isn't Lysistrata!
. . .
You know after this they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each others ears.
. . .
It's the Wilson Phillips breakup.
. . .
I'm guessing this is the whole reason this movie was made.
Silence!
Is golden!
Silence!
Is golden!
[The Master stands in Torgo's room as Torgo awakens from sleep and slowly gets up from the bed, which results in about a minute-long period of silence and nothing happening.]
[snapping] DO SOMETHING!!! God!
Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, at the Copacabana, Jules Bedel proudly presents: Pat Benatar and Tricia Nixon!
[As black smoke rises from a pyre, the Master beckons Torgo to rise from the floor.]
[singing to "Smoke on the Water"] Smoke on the weirdo…
Come here.
The new Pope has not been chosen.
[During a driving scene]
Meanwhile, in Toledo...
No, wait. Did this movie just lap itself?
. . .
This must be a weekly series.
[As the end credits roll...]
Crew? They had a crew!? I do not believe they had a crew!
Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch.
Where to start?
If you'd like to contact Harold P. Warren, look in the Yellow Pages for the Fertilizer Corporation of Texas.
[The film's penultimate card reads "The End?"]
The end? Yes. I mean, no. I wanna change my answer!
No. Always wonder.
[Servo waits impatiently for the card to change.]
COME ON!
[The last card fades in, thanking the city of El Paso.]
Thank you, El Paso! Good night! We're out of here!
We're going to take a break, we've been Manos: The Hands Of Fate.
[They leave the theater.]
[The Mads have just had a pizza delivered by Torgo.]
Say, it's been two hours, but this pizza is still warm!
[Dr. Forrester and Frank suddenly look at each other in horror, and vomit.]
They always do that!
[introducing the movie] Dig this, mes amis: your "average Joe" has never seen a film like today's experiment. Your "average person" on the street has not even begun to conceptualize the horror which is your experiment today, Mr. "Joel Average". I give to you: "Manos": The Hands of Fate, served with a short: the stirring conclusion to Hired!.
[imitating Torgo] "The Master is always here." "The Master will not like it." [laughs] Boy, that Master's got a lot to learn about the hospitality business, doesn't he? I mean that is a weird hotel! By the by, manos is actually Spanish for "hands," so today's film is Hands: the Hands of Fate. Isn't that sneaky?
I hate to say it, but there was one thing about this movie that to me, didn't make much sense. That father seemed like an intelligent fellow, but my gosh he did a terrible job planning that vacation! One hard lesson I've learned is that you've got to plan every step of every day, and that only goes double when you're traveling! It just makes my skin crawl to see a vacation ruined by bad planning! So if you can, join us next time on the Mystery Science Theater Hour, but please be careful.
Sheriff Billy's got a hangin' tree all set up for 'em.
Hey, kids, you ever read The Ox-Bow Incident?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
