[Two "scientists" are watching a "menacing" iguana T. rex.]
BDr. Bennett
Oh Ralph, what is it?!
CCrow
[yelling] It's an iguana, now shut up!
S2King Dinosaur
[after a fall down the Deep 13 elevator shaft leaves him flattened like a pancake] I'm the Invention Exchange this week, then. Are you happy now? Everyone come take a big long gawk at the Pocket Scientist!
CCrow
[while the SOL crew laugh] Nice improvisation on a standard theme! Joel, (your turn).
This invention is really something more of an organic nature. I sorta created it accidentally; when you've been marooned in space as long as I have, some of your personal effects can tend to get a bit randy. That's why I made this- the incredibly stinky sweat-socks. [pulls out two socks supported on wooden sticks, and both Crow and Servo faint from the stench] Works every time!
[Joel flails around a lemur puppet on a table while Crow and Servo sing]
It's Joey the Lemur, a friend to mankind; a furry sort of monkey friend, he really does shine.
Joey the Lemur, he's really to hug a lot and talk to, so fun, fun, fun!
CCrow
Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere; Joey the Lemur, what heck kind of animal is it anyway? Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal that would go to the bathroom anywhere- there's more.
That's okay. This is the lemur- native to Philippines and Madagascar, uh, and fictional planets like Nova. Uh, he's a clean, gregarious and good pet. [as Joey] You said it, pal! Boy, oh boy, pal of mine! You're the one for me!
Uh-oh, Joel's swinging into his puppet routine.
[as Joey, hitting Servo] Hey, can it, fire-plug! I've heard enough out of you! Let me tell you all a story.
[singing] Joey the Lemur, he'll say what he thinks!
[as Joey] Boy, will I ever! I'll carry on like a Gilbert Gottfried from the animal world, I don't mind tellin' you! I'm the Clown Prince of the Animal Kingdom who's often mistaken for our friend the chimpanzee. But make no mistake, I'm not saying anything wrong about our chimpanzee brethren, just hoping- here's hoping- they send a little more work our way.
L is for "Lemur"...
[as Joey] L is for Lemur- 'nuff said!
CCrow
E is for "eat".
[as Joey] E is for eat. I eat four times my weight in nuts and berries; which has its consequences, but go figure!
CCrow
M is for "monkey"!
[as Joey] M is for monkey... I'm often mistaken for a monkey; it goes with the territory, alright? On with the show!
U is for "unusual"...
CCrow
...and "unpredictable"!
[as Joey] Unpredictable is right! I once took a whiz on Johnny Carson's sports coat! I don't travel well; let's go!
[uneasy] Uh, R is for "radical"...
CCrow
...and "rambunctious"! [immediately ends up involuntarily mounted by Joey]
[as Joey] Randy as a jackrabbit; that's me, alright! Whoo-hoo!
Yes, it's the splendiferous lemur!
CCrow
Friend to all mankind!
S2First Spaceship on Venus
[Brinkman runs up to Dr. Sumiko, a female Asian crewmember, before the flight.]
BBrinkman
Sumiko!
CACrow [as Sumiko/Groucho Marx]
I will as soon my lawyer gets here.
SSumiko
Brinkman! [An uneasy moment passes.] Have I changed that much?
JAJoel [as Brinkman]
Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man!
[Astronaut Brinkman accidentally kicks a rock into a pool of magma, which throws it back. A rockslide showers Brinkman and Sumiko.]
CACrow [as Brinkman]
Uhh... note to myself: don't throw rocks at magma.
[The astronauts run up a ramp to escape an oozing, Blob-like slick chasing them.]
Hey, where's Steve McQueen when you need him?
[Prof. Sikarna gives a long boring exposition]
CCrow
Well, that's very interesting, but does it belong in the script?
S2Godzilla vs. Megalon
JCJoel, Crow, & Servo
Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy!
[At the lakeside picnic, little Rokuro (Rok-san) frantically paddles his watercraft during an earthquake. On shore, Goro glances at Jinkawa.]
GGoro
Hey! The rocket!
[Snorts] Rockets!
CCrow
On a picnic?
. . .
RRokuro
Help me! Hurry up!
Hey, you're in no position to make demands, kid!
. . .
[Goro fires the "rocket" at Rok-san, who catches the attached rope and secures his end around his watercraft.]
Guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it?
Yeah.
Yep!
CACrow [as Picnicker]
Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope…
[Goro, Jinkawa, and Rok-san return to the laboratory.]
JJinkawa
[to Goro] Hey, it would be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot!
JAJoel [as Goro]
Yeah, it would be funny if the earthquake killed your FAMILY!
[During a montage of Goro welding and assembling his robot]
CACrow [as a Narrator]
Industry: creating a better world. Our most valuable resource? People! He's a maniac! A maniac! And he's dancing like he's never danced before! He's a steel town boy on a Saturday...
. . .
[As the camera pans up to reveal the finished robot, Jet Jaguar]
They've just created Jennifer Beals.
[Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.]
JAJoel [as Capt. Willard]
Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.
[As Jet Jaguar flies around in the sky above them]
GGoro
Isn't that Jet Jaguar there?
[Sarcastically] No, it's another superhero of your own design!
GGoro
They're controlling him.
RSRok-san
It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla!
CCrow
Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it!
[Jinkawa and Rokuro prepare to assault the laboratory (with a model airplane)]
CCrow
Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission?
Um, no.
Not this kid.
. . .
SAServo [as Jinkawa]
[Sarcastically] Gee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat!
[As Megalon and Jet Jaguar continue fighting]
I know I should be excited and scared and all, but I -- all I can think of is sweaty Japanese guys...
. . .
CCrow
He's got a foreign object!
He is a foreign object!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.